Tag Archives: north dakota

Pandemic Social Distancing, North Dakota Style

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Do like the Lone Ranger did: Don’t get within gunshot distance of anyone!

Medora, ND – Serious times require serious measures, which is why North Dakotans are being asked to stay as far away from each other as possible.

How far is considered safe?

Well, the definition of a plain is one tree per square mile, and this is a good guide for ideal social distancing in North Dakota during pandemically trying times.

Take a lesson from the Lone Ranger, who never contracted any social diseases during his entire career as the Lone Ranger.

Legend has it that the Lone Ranger never got within a mile of anyone, except when he was going out on a date, when he allowed himself to get within shouting distance of the lady.

This would also explain why the Lone Ranger never had any children.

Male Who Identifies As Female To Compete In Next Miss North Dakota Pageant

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If Hannah becomes the next Miss North Dakota, she will represent ND in the Miss America Pageant!

Williston, ND – The next Miss North Dakota pageant will include its first-ever male competitor.

Hannah Bouncy who grew up on the outskirts of Zap, North Dakota is biologically male but she has totally identified as being female since first grade.

“I am so very wonderfully excited and blessed to be allowed to compete in the next Miss North Dakota competition,” says Hannah with a tear, as she repeatedly bench presses 285 pounds in preparation to compete for the Miss North Dakota crown.

The entire Bouncy family is decorating a bus with posters and balloons to help bring Hannah to a win in North Dakota so that she can go on to represent the great state of North Dakota in the national Miss America Pageant!

ND DOT Has Plans To Reduce Driver License Wait Times From 4 Hours Down To Only 3 Hours!

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At the ND DOT, the depart-mental morale is high (with an emphasis on the “mental” portion).

Fargone, ND – The North Dakota Department of Transportation has been working overtime to come up with some plans to decrease wait times to get driver’s licenses and that newly mandated REAL ID.

As wait times have recently elongated to over four hours, the ND DOT wants and needs to improve customer satisfaction by improving their services.

Some changes coming on the horizon include:

• Adding one additional service window at each and every location across the state.

• Provide stronger coffee for DOT workers.

• Make the driving test a lot easier to pass by showing all the correct answers.

Just imagine only having to wait 3 hours instead of 4!

• Add new temporary satellite offices at some popular local bars so people can have a beer while waiting.

• Call the “next served” numbers in random order instead of consecutive order to give everyone an equal chance.

• Create an alternative to the mandated REAL ID…called FAKE ID.

• Hire professional musicians, monkeys, mimes, magicians, and clowns to entertain folks while they wait for service.

Mandan Artfest Is A Continuous Celebration Of Outdoor Murals

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All future outdoor murals in Mandan must somehow include a reference to a Lonesome Dove.

Mandan, ND – In the city that wants to be known as Mural Central, Mandan’s new Outdoor Artfest will run from October 1st to September 30th each and every year.

After the Mandan City Council decided to have their town be the most mural-friendly community in the nation, artists of all shapes and sizes will be descending on Mandan like lonesome doves onto a peace festival.

One travelling graffiti artist we spoke with explained: “Yah, cool man! Me and many of my friends are heading directly toward Mandan, North Dakota to basically live there and do outdoor art, because that is what we do, and Mandan is where we’ll do it.”

Kindergartener Hitchhikes Home After School Bus Drops Him Off 75 Miles From Home

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School bus driver drops young Fargo kindergarten boy off in Valley City.

Valley City, ND – A Fargo child who was attending his first week of kindergarten somehow mistakenly got dropped off in Valley City by the school bus that was to bring him home.

The child eventually did get back home by hitchhiking the 75 miles because he had “seen how to hitchhike on TV.”

The boy’s parents, who were already totally freaking out when their young boy was not on the after-school bus, freaked out even more upon discovering what had actually happened.

The bus driver claims he did not know the boy was still on the bus.

The company that owns the bus (whose slogan is “We put the bus in business!”) says it sadly regrets and strongly denies that it ever happened.

The boy, who is doing fine, says Valley City looked like a very nice place to possibly move to when he gets older.

Moral of the story: If your bus driver is dumb, you can get home with your thumb.

Man Chased By Prairie Dog In Western North Dakota

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Keep a very safe distance from all prairie dogs, especially when they’re rutting.

Medora, ND – A tourist who wishes to remain totally anonymous was chased for a mile by an angry prairie dog, who “scared the heck out of me,” after the man apparently got too close to the prairie dog during their mating season.

The FM Observer has identified the victim as Mr. Opie Girard who lives at 1020 Poison Oaks Drive in Furndale, North Dakota, along with his wife Lunetta and their feline, Sparkles.

A spokesperson for the Prairie Dog Nation warns that mating prairie dogs should be left alone to do their business: “Just to be safe, curious tourists should not get within 25 miles of a rutting male prairie dog.”

Statistics show that after the buffalo, prairie dogs are one of the most territorial animals relative to their size, and the size of their teeth.

If you’re being chased by a mad prairie dog, run quickly in long straight lines, and preferably drop some snacky foods behind you as you attempt to scramble away.

Expectedly, all of the letters in Opie Girard can be chased around to spell: Prairie Dog!

Norwegians Marching To Protest All Those Stupid Norwegian Jokes

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Norwegian-Americans are starting to protest all those bad Norwegian jokes!

Oslo, MN – Well, it was only a matter of time until they had enough and just couldn’t take it anymore.

Now, many Norwegian-Americans are fed up with all those silly Norwegian jokes and being the subject of such stupidity.

Jokes such as: Why do Norwegians grocery shop with a ladder? Because the food prices are so high!

Ole Larson who helped organize the protest march says “enough is enough already!”

Lars Olson says jokes like: “The reason why Norwegian garbage trucks drive so fast is because the drivers are afraid they’ll get robbed” have done enough damage and they just need to stop!

If some of your ancestors were Norwegian and you’d like to join a Norwegian joke protest march, please contact the Sons Of Norway.

It would greatly help the protest march if you made a big poster with a Norwegian joke on it, saying “Please stop jokes like this one…”

Q: Why did the Norwegians bring sandpaper to the desert?
A: Because they thought it was a map!

New ND Governor’s Mansion Mistaken For Highway Rest Area By Many Travelers

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Many find the marble bathrooms in the new ND Governor’s Residence to be very nice.

Bizmark, ND – Whether planned or unplanned is not certain at this juncture, but North Dakota’s new Governor’s Mansion looks like a highway rest area to many driving by.

Many a weary traveler going across the state have stopped at the new Executive Residence recently built for North Dakota’s Governor and have walked in to use the main floor bathroom facilities.

Some have even snooped into the kitchen fridge and played the lobby piano before continuing on with their journey.

The architect for the Executive Mansion was unavailable for comment, however he did text us back adamantly asking that we never send him another text again.

Besides looking like a highway rest area, others have likened the Executive Palace to a secretive bilateral nuclear bomb test shelter site.

But since the taxpayers of North Dakota own it because we paid for it, feel free to continue to stop and use it as a highway rest area, but please, only play the piano if you’re a certified trained professional.

Cathy’s Cat Cafe Opens In Fargo; Reviews Give It Five Meows

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Fargo’s cat cafe caters just to cats!

Fargo, ND – The new and hip trend of having restaurants specifically for our feline friends has finally come to Fargo!

Cathy’s Cat Cafe will cater to cats by offering a full catalog of favorite cat foods and fun.

Every category of toys, teasers, challenges, and scratch posts will surround your cat’s culinary experience at Cathy’s Cat Cafe.

Food specials such as catfish deglazed with catsup wine sauce will make your cat as happy as a catholic in a catacomb cathedral.

Recreational catnip will be available throughout your cat’s visit, since it is now legal in the state of North Dakota!

Top Ten Winter Words North Dakotans Are Getting Really Sick Of

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Fargoans have really gotten to hate the word Arctic.

Fargo, ND – Our FM Observer reporters fanned out across the region to knock on doors asking people what winter words they are getting most tired of hearing.

After doing so, we then empirically compiled the comprehensive list into a scientific study.

We believe it is totally scientific because we used the word empirical.

What follows is a scientific poll of the Top Ten words or phrases that people living in this region are getting really sick of hearing:

10. Winter Snowstorm
9. Frizzle
8. Alberta Clipper
7. Pre-Shoveling
6. Snownami*
5. Windchill Factor
4. Black Ice
3. Blizzard Warning
2. Polar Vortex
1. Arctic

* Snownami is the scientific word for the large ridge of snow left at the end of driveways after the street plows come by to do their due diligence.