Mars, Milky Way – Even though scientists have now officially discovered life on Mars, they are admittedly a bit underwhelmed by the fact that it’s just some lichens.
However, top Mars lichenologist Dr. Charles Nim says: “We are lichen what we’re seeing with this Mars rover!”
Dr. Nim notes that it’s quite amazing that we’ve now found a mutualistic relationship of algae and fungi living and breathing on the Red Planet, but trying to communicate with it has so far been a challenge.
“These lichens are forming themselves into the shape of a human brain to supposedly better communicate with us,” the Nimster explains.
Using lichenometry, the orange lichen colony appears to be about 54 million years old but doesn’t look a day over 50 million years.
Going forward, Dr. Charles Nim shared this final thought: “We are lichen our chops to find our more about this life that we have discovered on Mars!”
As you might expect, all the letters in Charles Nim can re-arrange into: Mars Lichen!
We are very sorry. For causing any trouble. We did not know. That our presence on Earth. Was going to be such a big deal.
Stephen, MN – The mysterious UFO encounter which happened in Minnesota’s Marshall county forty years ago has finally been solved.
Three space aliens who had recently been detained on unrelated drug charges confessed to flying the orb-like spaceship which was at the center of the infamous 1979 UFO sighting.
“Yes, it was our Orb cruiser which caused the bright light and then accidentally struck the squad car of Deputy Val Johnson near Stephen Minnesota,” said the three spaced aliens, as translated through their alien attorney.
The three undocumented aliens went on to say: “We mean the people of Earth no harm. We only wanted to co-mingle and party with you frackers. Even though you’re a relatively primitive species, we admire your gumption and spunk.”
Expect to see many more Rocket Bikes flying out into deep space.
Fargo, ND – A young Fargo man who shall remain unnamed since he is only age 15, has not only started his own company called Space Exit, but has also designed, built, and successfully flown his own Rocket Bike into space.
Jermaine Vincent Cohen, who just turned 15 on Saturday, wanted to prove that his dream of flying a rocket bike into space was not only achievable, but also marketable.
His Fargo-based company called Space Exit will soon begin mass-producing his amazing Rocket Bike so other thrill-seekers can experience the extreme exhilaration of blasting off and riding a bike out into deep space.
Some industry analysts are saying that young Jermaine Cohen’s Rocket Bike is to travel as the iPhone was to communication.
This is possibly the first of many busloads of illegal aliens trying to enter the U.S. by flying in over the new Trump Wall.
Moonshine, Illinois – Top scientists from our top-notch science department are warning that a large school bus believed to be full of illegal aliens will be passing between the Earth and the Moon soon.
It is not known who if anyone is drinking while driving this bus nor whether or not it will be just passing on through, making subsequent secondary passes, or perhaps even make a stop for supplies and maby even an extended visitation without representation.
The well-respected Dr. Goytam Tesfalem believes that these so-called illegal aliens might even be trying to 1. either leave this sector to escape paying back taxes, or 2. use the space bus to get over the Trump Wall and freely enrolled in Obamacare.
Spaceologists are wanting to point out that the space-travelling busload of alien freeloaders will be visible during upcoming night skies and there is even a chance they may land in your back yard so you might want to stock up on a variety of refreshments so as to be prepared and not seem like you didn’t expect to be having some unexpected guests drop in directly from space, the penultimate frontier.
Fargo, ND – While working on his school project for the upcoming Science Fair, a Fargo teenager somehow created an actual wormhole in his bedroom.
As we all know, a wormhole is a shortcut to another point in the space-time continuum offering a shorter distance between two vastly separated areas of the universe.
Daron Bainbridge, a sophomore at Fargo’s new Carlmont High School, now knows that wormholes are no longer just a theoretical hypothesis predicted by Einstein’s theory of general relativity.
Daron Bainbridge in his own words: “While tinkering around with some information I was reading about the Einstein-Rosen bridge, all of a sudden I was staring at a tunnel-like connection into spacetime right next to my frickin bed!”
Daron’s Physics teacher, Dr. Markus Lyberth: “Daron is a good student who is always trying to put various ideas together in different ways. Creating a wormhole is not only remarkable, especially at his young age, but at the same time can be quite dangerous due to the possibility of sudden collapse of the wormhole, not to mention radioactivity, along with coming in contact with exotic anti-matter heretofore unbeknownst to mankind.”
Washington, DC – President Obama has vowed to find a qualified candidate to nominate for Supreme Court Justice. The speculation is that that candidate will be anti-anti-liberal. This does not sit well with the Republican-controlled Senate. They have stated that they will seek to block this nomination. That does not sit well with Obama. It sits so unwell, in fact, that Obama is ready to destroy the entire universe in order to get his way.
President Obama says he’s threatening to block the Senate’s block.
“The Senate says they will block my justice nomination. Well, if they do…ah… I’ll block that block. This is not good. Everyone knows that… ah…when you type ‘Google’ into Google, you can… ah… break the internet. Similar thing going on here. This type of action causes paradoxical duality….ah…which then catosphates a rift in the space time continuum resulting in… ah…the impenetrable quickening of antimatter. So, you see… ah… you should never double do something. But if I’m forced to…ah.. execute my constitutional right of appointment that which the Senate then blocks … ah… I’ll have to block that. So, folks…ah…start wearin’ your hard hats.”
Many in the quantum physics community are calling this potential block-block a serious threat to the very fabric of space time.
University of Organical Physicology Professor Bictor Tedhanger fears the worst. “If the President follows through on this block-block, what he says is very much accurate: paradoxical duality followed by an impenetrable quickening. This would be incredibly damaging to our atoms. Your body and mine would spontaneously molt from the inside out in the time it takes to extract candy from a baby hand.”
It would seem that Obama will stop at nothing to nominate his coveted Justice. Will Biden be able to talk some sense into him? If our guts implode between now and the end of Obama’s term, then that answer is probably no.