Tag Archives: herbalife

Mars Rover Discovers Relatively Intelligent Life

Lichen us on Facebook!

Mars, Milky Way – Even though scientists have now officially discovered life on Mars, they are admittedly a bit underwhelmed by the fact that it’s just some lichens.

However, top Mars lichenologist Dr. Charles Nim says: “We are lichen what we’re seeing with this Mars rover!”

Dr. Nim notes that it’s quite amazing that we’ve now found a mutualistic relationship of algae and fungi living and breathing on the Red Planet, but trying to communicate with it has so far been a challenge.

“These lichens are forming themselves into the shape of a human brain to supposedly better communicate with us,” the Nimster explains.

Using lichenometry, the orange lichen colony appears to be about 54 million years old but doesn’t look a day over 50 million years.

Going forward, Dr. Charles Nim shared this final thought: “We are lichen our chops to find our more about this life that we have discovered on Mars!”

As you might expect, all the letters in Charles Nim can re-arrange into: Mars Lichen!

No I’m Not Coming To Your Herbalife Party

Fargo, ND –  You’ve probably heard of this company called Herbalife before.  Either through your friends or your friends’ friends, and not by choice.  Herbalife is a multi-level marketing company and pyramid scheme.  They sell average, overpriced, nutrition/weight management/skin-care products.

How does it work?  To become a cult member you will need to first murder and sacrifice 10 people.  Just kidding!  You need to sign up under a sponsor.  Kind of the same thing.  If you’ve been graced with common sense, like myself, this is the first of many where your bullshit meter will go off.  A sponsor is someone who has already been accepted into the cult and will do whatever it takes to annoy the shit out of you until you yourself become a herbalife member under them and only under them.  The more members they have under themselves the more money they make.  Classic MLM bullshit.  If you don’t want to become a distributor, then they will spew copious amounts of bullshit out of their mouth as to why you should buy their shitty overpriced products.  This is high comedy.  They like to pass themselves off as nutritionists or experts on nutrition.  This is just great entertainment for the whole family so be sure to seem very interested when these rocks-for-brains start acting like they actually know what the hell they are talking about.

They try and sell you a dream, a lifestyle.  More classic MLM and Pyramid scheme bullshit.  What they will tell you is that you can make shit loads of money.  “If you sign up under me and buy more shit, you’ll be able to buy yourself a yacht filled with pet dinosaurs in no time!  It’s that great!”  Sorry numbnuts.  Come back to me in a year and let me know how well you’re doing and how much money you’re making.  Then take me out on your yacht and we can do herbalife things like the people in the picture below.  But, more then likely you don’t have a yacht and are still broke because herbalife is taking all your money.

Herbalife bullshit

“I do herbalife things from a boat!”

So you’ve murdered and sacrificed 10 people, sold yourself to the devil, finally gave in and signed up under your sponsor.  Now what?  Now it’s time to annoy the living shit out of everyone you know to either try and get them to buy shit from you or sign up under you.  Your mom, dad, sister, aunt, pet hamster, dog, great grandmother who is dead, everyone.  It is within your herbalife cult code of conduct to literally try and make everyone hate you.  Literally.  They probably won’t tell you, but they do.  They hate you.  After you’ve annoyed the living shit out of enough people, maybe one or two will cave and start buying your crap only because they want you to shut the hell up and don’t want to talk to you until you ‘place your next order.’

Throw parties!

Ok enough.  Enough with the herbalife ‘parties.’  It’s not a fucking party.  You want me and everyone else to come over and BUY SHIT.  “You don’t have to buy anything.”  Well no shit.  I don’t go to parties to buy shit.  I go to parties to do shots, chug 50 beers, and snort cocaine off tits.  That’s a god damn party.

You’re not a business owner or an entrepreneur

I keep seeing these cult members mention their ‘herbalife business’ and how they ‘started their own business’.  The main purpose of a business is to increase the wealth of its OWNER.  Meaning, the actual owner of HERBALIFE (not you) is making a ton of money.  You (herbalife cult member) are an employee.  A salseperson for the actual business owner.  You make the actual business owners money.  You are also a customer.  That’s right.  You’re their number one customer.

You are not a business owner and probably never will be so quit with your bullshit, ok?  Start an actual business and we’ll start taking you seriously.  Here’s an idea, “Hooker Tit Diner.”  A late night diner & drive-in.  If you actually start that then I’ll be your herbalife bitch, now and forever.