Mars, Milky Way – Even though scientists have now officially discovered life on Mars, they are admittedly a bit underwhelmed by the fact that it’s just some lichens.
However, top Mars lichenologist Dr. Charles Nim says: “We are lichen what we’re seeing with this Mars rover!”
Dr. Nim notes that it’s quite amazing that we’ve now found a mutualistic relationship of algae and fungi living and breathing on the Red Planet, but trying to communicate with it has so far been a challenge.
“These lichens are forming themselves into the shape of a human brain to supposedly better communicate with us,” the Nimster explains.
Using lichenometry, the orange lichen colony appears to be about 54 million years old but doesn’t look a day over 50 million years.
Going forward, Dr. Charles Nim shared this final thought: “We are lichen our chops to find our more about this life that we have discovered on Mars!”
As you might expect, all the letters in Charles Nim can re-arrange into: Mars Lichen!
Venus, FL – With men mostly in charge of things here on Earth, and with the general state of affairs going from bad to worse, women are banding together to head out to their very own beautiful planet: Venus!
Earth women are getting so sick and tired of men running the show into the ground that plans are “in the works” for all women, who are willing and able to make the trip, to travel to their original home planet and once again, make it their home, where men are not allowed!
Pretty much any woman we spoke with said: “Men have created such a Global SNAFU here on Planet Earth that we are packing our bags and getting ready to head on out of here!”
Most men we asked about this were too busy fighting to realize what’s going on.
Experts are wondering: If Mars has buildings, could it also have landlords and tenants?
Utopia Basin, Mars – After first discovering water, and then chocolate on Mars, NASA experts have now confirmed the existance of what appear to be buildings on the Red Planet.
NASA’s Beagle 3 has been sending back some amazing and surprising images since it landed just a few months ago.
“We were literally stunned to find actual buildings on Mars, some with what appear to be lights on inside them,” says Dr. Soni Flamer, who heads up NASA’s Look For Life program.
“These building-like structures that we are seeing on Planet Mars were perhaps never noticed before due to large sandstorms in the Utopia Basin area,” added Dr. Simon Rafel, who sometimes thinks he’s in charge.
Ironically, all of the letters in Soni Flamer and Simon Rafel can be re-arranged to spell: Life On Mars!
Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead Sertoma Club is again providing a dazzling display of diodes and doodads. Holiday Lights In Lindenwood Park is open to the public and boy, is it impressive. So impressive, in fact, that if you happen to be traveling to Mars for Christmas you can see it from space.
The Holiday Lights can be viewed for a gentle $6.00 admission fee per car or van ($5.00 with canned good donation) or $10.00 for busses and limousines. A particular portion of the proceeds will go towards Caustic Sertoma awareness.
What follows is a public service announcement from the Caustic Sertoma Foundation®.
Caustic Sertoma. What is Caustic Sertoma? Wouldn’t you like to know. Do you or your loved ones suffer from Caustic Sertoma? This regenerative condition affects literally hundreds of people each year. Side effects may include: blood, urination, occasional breathing, hair growth, eyesight and nonviolent mood swings. If you’ve had sertomatic symptoms for more than 4 hours, seek medical attention. People who are pregnant with zika should not have Caustic Sertoma. Ask your doctor if Caustic Sertoma is right for you.
Chocolate Valley, Mars – As many scientists have long suspected, the planet Mars has been discovered to have large amounts of chocolate on its surface.
Kudoto Kimikuku, Chief Chocolate Research Scientist for NASA says: “Large rivers of rich dark chocolate have been found flowing on Mars much like the heavy sledge of a BP oil slick.”
Now that the presence of chocolate has been confirmed on Mars, that opens up the possibility that early pioneers traveling to Mars can survive by eating a chocolate-rich diet of cookies, cake, and candies.
If you are interested in signing up to win a free trip to Mars, simply email the FM Observer, explaining in 500 words or less how much you love chocolate and why you should be chosen to make the short jaunt to our neighboring chocolate planet.
NASA’s Antares Rocket Wallops An Island Off Virginia
Wallops Island, VA – Despite an apparent ‘glitch’ during take-off, NASA is saying that everything is under control and that no one should have any reason for concern.
Even though many on-lookers witnessed an alleged explosion during the attempted launch of the NASA Antares Rocket, government officials are down-playing the event as a possible ‘abnormal termination’.
Because of this, however, the future goals for the NASA space program could soon be lowered. Rather than shooting to return humans to the moon by 2020 and sending a manned mission to Mars by 2030, NASA is considering changing its goal to just being able to successfully launch a rocket into space without it blowing up on the launchpad.
A NASA spokesperson spoke: “By changing our blueprint for future deep space exploration, we are better aligning our goals with the true capabilities of a governmental agency to effectually bring a mission to a successful conclusion.”
The good news is that even though the U.S. has become totally dependent on the Russians to get us to and from the International Space Station ever since our own Space Shuttle program was ended in 2011, we luckily have maintained a great relationship with our friendly Russian allies.
Pasadena, CA – Mission control for the worldly popular Curiosity on Mars excursion has released a preliminary report of the rover’s findings. These highly unclassified and somewhat opinionated documents provide detail on what NASA has already figured out about the Red Planet. Here are a few snippets:
The Curiosity rover has not yet floated away from the planet which leads us to believe Mars has a gravitational pull. Enough gravity, in fact, to keep rocks and Curiosity firmly grounded.
Mars has rocks. Rocks all over the damn place. Many of them a burnt-sienna/reddish color. We will utilize Curiosity’s laser system to analyze the rocks for science. FIRST!
The Curiosity rover is a technological wonder. Fueled on nuclear energy, it contains enough self-propulsion to roam the Red Planet on its own for many months collecting data for our mission. Meanwhile, our Earth vehicles (cars) require extensive hands-on repairs and maintenance on a month-to-month basis just to get us to work and back.
No atmosphere on Mars. It would take a legion of Curiosity rovers to build an oxygen-containing biodome that might be sufficient in sustaining human life. This type of project is easily a lifetime in the making–our kids’ kids might live to see it happen, but will likely never afford the financial expense necessary to experience it.
Seems to be plenty of uninhabited territory here. Nothingness. This excursion is turning into a blatant misappropriation of government funding that could have easily went towards aiding the less-fortunate beings of the planet we currently reside on (Earth) instead of analyzing an enormous ball of red rock. No telling yet whether the government is planning to deport the nation’s homeless to Mars instead of providing more sufficient government aid for their disabilities and misfortune on the home front? Foreclosed-on families are living on the streets in America.
Curiosity will complete a two-year mission on the surface of Mars– tooling around, analyzing dirt and junk just to make sure nothing ever lived there. Pretty darn cool if you ask me.
Bigfoot is a name given to an ape-like creature that people believe inhabits forests in North America. Scientists discredit the existence of Bigfoot due to lack of physical evidence.
Scientists can discredit no longer.
NASA and Mars Curiosity would like nothing more than to send back breathtaking photos of the alien planet. Bigfoot will have none of that. Mars Curiosity recently sent back an image from Mars that clearly shows Bigfoot deliberately photobombing.
CLICK TO VIEW Bigfoot photobombing a Mars Curiosity photo!
We know all too well that Bigfoot loves to photobomb here on earth but nobody knew the extent bigfoot would take to photobomb on another planet!
How they got there we have no idea but we can surely expect to see the believers release more photos of the suspected bigfoot in more photobombs.
Fargo, ND – What a world we live in! The nerds over at NASA and people across the globe watched as the last 10 years of astrophysics engineering came to fruition early this morning with the landing of the Mars rover, “Curiosity”. The last 10 or so years was a marathon of software computations, physics formulas and jet propulsion engineering which resulted in the placement of Curiosity smack dab in the middle of the Mars landscape.
This has the homeless community outraged. The needy are wondering why the hell the Salvation Army building downtown cannot afford central air conditioning but meanwhile, millions of dollars of federal grant money is being fed to a program dedicated to a planet millions of miles away from where our real problems exist: Earth. Moorhead-area hobo Trevor Sands had this to say during a protest outside of the Moorhead planetarium:
“I’m sleepin’ outside under a heap of shit-covered blankets in the winter because I can’t get health insurance to buy pills that keep the goddamn demons out of me. How much you think puttin’ some damn 4-wheeler on the surface of Mars cost? Probably a lot more than a year’s supply of demon pills, brother. Change? Spare change??”
Sands then showed me the devil carving on his forearm he made using a plastic butter knife that he claimed the “Mars buggy demons” are responsible for. The Observer wishes the homeless best of luck getting demon pill grant money during these trying times.