Unanimous vote for the death penalty to any jaywalkers in Downtown Fargo.
Fargo, ND – The People’s Militia Group which oversees the Fargo area, unanimously voted at their latest meeting for all Downtown Fargo jaywalkers to receive the death penalty.
The head of the People’s Militia Group is Janik Longway who firmly said: “Since jaywalking is a heinously problematic crime in the Downtown Fargo area, we solemnly recommend the death penalty for any and all jaywalkers.”
“Also, we strongly believe that anyone caught with a parked car on the streets of Fargo after four or more inches of snow has fallen should also receive the death penalty after their car has been quickly compacted into a small, stackable, one foot cube for easy removal.”
If you have a differing opinion on these matters, you’re invited to speak out against them at the next meeting of the People’s Militia Group.
Punishingly, all of the letters in Janik Longway can be re-arranged into: No Jaywalking!
Pink, Oklahoma – The U.S. Military working in conjunction with the color pink has come up with new pink night-vision goggles for its female fighting force.
The traditional green phosphor night-vision was designed for males whose eyes are more sensitive to the green color pallet.
But Dr. Ivon Pinski who heads up Project Pink says the female eye is most sensitive to fifty shades of pink.
Dr. Pinski: “Ya, we pink this will really help our female combat warriors during night-time missions. Plus it shows we care about all pink causes without having to wear a pink ribbon on their already pink camouflage fatigues.”
Coincidentally, all the letters in Ivon Pinski can be re-arranged into: Pink Vision!
Salvation Army to join U.S. Military per President Trump.
Trump Tower, NY – On Day One of his presidency, President Donald Trump stuck to his campaign promise to make the Salvation Army an equal member of the United States Military.
“This is going to be huge, folks, trust me, it’s going to be great,” uttered the in-coming president.
“Now bell ringers with guns will be able to ring their bells and forcibly collect money all over the world.”
A surprised spokesman for the Salvation Army was overheard in the bathroom saying that “this all has come as quite a shock to both the leadership and rank & file workers of the Salvation Army. I most certainly hope we are all somewhat trained in the use of guns and one-on-one personal self-defense combat fighting!”
A spokeswoman for the new Trump Administration recently announced that each and every existing fricking governmental… 1. department, 2. agency, 3. division, and4. bureaucracy will first be… 1. reviewed, 2. interviewed, and3. analyzed and then either… 1. downsized, 2. amalgamated, or3. completely eliminated.
Editor’s Note: Obviously, in the case of the Salvation Army, it is being amalgamated.
Do you have a horn? Would you like to blow your horn?
Anytown, USA – An exciting new grass-roots organization is now starting new chapters in your area. The Civilian Trumpet Militia is being formed in all 57 states of the USA.
If you have ever played a trumpet which might be idly resting in your basement, this is a great opportunity to get involved in something that could change the course of history and blow people’s minds.
The Trumpet Militia could be called upon at any time to: defend the country, protect our borders, quell a prison riot, or even march in a parade.
Here are some motivational quotes from our Founding Fathers who felt strongly about this subject:
Patrick Henry: “The people have a right to keep and blow trumpets. Everyone who is able might join a trumpet militia.”
Thomas Jefferson: “No free person shall ever be debarred the use of a trumpet. A strong body makes the mind strong. While a trumpet gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise and independence to the mind.”
Richard Henry Lee: “A trumpet militia, when properly formed, is in fact the people themselves and includes anyone capable of blowing a trumpet.”
James Madison: “A well regulated trumpet militia, composed of the people, trained to blow, is the best and most natural defense of a free country.”