Unanimous vote for the death penalty to any jaywalkers in Downtown Fargo.
Fargo, ND – The People’s Militia Group which oversees the Fargo area, unanimously voted at their latest meeting for all Downtown Fargo jaywalkers to receive the death penalty.
The head of the People’s Militia Group is Janik Longway who firmly said: “Since jaywalking is a heinously problematic crime in the Downtown Fargo area, we solemnly recommend the death penalty for any and all jaywalkers.”
“Also, we strongly believe that anyone caught with a parked car on the streets of Fargo after four or more inches of snow has fallen should also receive the death penalty after their car has been quickly compacted into a small, stackable, one foot cube for easy removal.”
If you have a differing opinion on these matters, you’re invited to speak out against them at the next meeting of the People’s Militia Group.
Punishingly, all of the letters in Janik Longway can be re-arranged into: No Jaywalking!
Chalk up another one to distracted drivers! Or was this a hate crime?
Moorhead, MN – During a relatively relaxing autumn round of par-free golf, Mr. Gotlib Haycraft was suddenly hit by a golf cart while trying to hit his tee shot on the par 3 seventh hole at the new Bogie Man Golf Course in Moorhead.
Police are not entirely sure if Mr. Haycraft was accidentally run over due to the normal smartphone distractions, or if he was being specifically targeted because of a political bumper sticker on the back of his Subaru Forester.
When asked if he was OK after the accident, Mr. Gotlib Haycraft said: “No! I’m not OK! And no matter what the reason, this kind of thing just should not happen while I’m out playing a fricking round of golf!”
If it’s determined the cause was distraction, the driver could spend up to a month in jail.
If it is ultimately deemed to be a hate crime, the maximum sentence could be life in prison.
Distractedly, all of the letters in “Gotlib Haycraft” can be trampled to spell: Hit By A Golf Cart!