Tag Archives: facebook

Fargo’s First Full Frontal Face Transplant Operation Deemed An International Success

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If you have a dream, Dr. Sanft Plancarte can help make it happen.

Fargo, ND – As a favor for a friend, Dr. Sanft Plancarte of Fargo’s New Face Center is now literally the toast of the town after being the first to successfully design and implement a new human face.

Dr. Plancarte, who started out as an accomplished auto mechanic, has long believed that the face would be the final frontier for the ultimate personal expression of who one really is, as a member of society.

“The patient and I carefully came up with the facial design together, and then we basically decided to just go for it,” explains Dr. Plancarte proudly, as he happily sips some celebratory whiskey straight from the bottle.

If you would like to help design your new face, simply call or stop by Fargo’s New Face Center at its new easy-to-find location.

As expected, all of the letters in Sanft Plancarte can be surgically re-arranged to spell: Face Transplant!

Kids Warned Against Playing Outside During Nice Summer Months

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Don’t let your kids play outside because it’s probably the worst thing they can do.

Fair Play, TX – The American Safety Society is warning parents to warn their children to not play outside this summer.

“Inside the house is where you should play, for sure at night and also during the day,” raps Dr. Daisy Eplin, who currently presides over the American Safety Society.

Dr. Eplin goes on: “Research shows that going outside to play, on a beautiful summery day, is tantamount to eating sugary snacks, while sitting on railroad tracks.”

According to American Safety Society documentation, the many benefits of keeping your kids indoors include: higher IQ, increased tech savviness, fewer broken bones, less chance of bug bites and getting kidnapped, less bullying, improved self esteem, and better social networking skills.

Ironically, all the letters in Daisy Eplin can safely be re-arranged to spell: Play Inside!

Fargo Facebook Families Fatally Fear Fifty Foot Fast Flood Forecast

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Trying to be calmly proactive, fearful Fargo families fighting fifty foot fast-melting flood.

Fargo, ND – With the forecast calling for quick climate change from global cooling to global warming, many who fought The Big Flood zactly 20 years are starting to squirm any time the words “sand” or “bag” are mentioned.

The Benson Family: “Yah, we probly should’ve built that Red River Diversion by now, doncha know?”

The Sakimov Family: “We have already started filling sandbags out in our garage, like since last month I think, and we already hava-lota-vum.”

The Grinstein Group: “In school, my son herd that a very fast melt caused by rain could suddenly cause a record fifty foot flood right hier in River City, baby!”

The LaQuan Family Corp: “We are seriously looking into procuring a plethora of sandbags from various reliable sources some of which may be online. We steal sand from wherever we can dig it, man.”

The Nillson Gathering: “We just feel real real lucky to have all our favorite Facebook friends to help us out by firstly liking us on Facebook and secondly leaving such helpful and wonderful comments while they’re supposedly vacationing down there in Guatemala which I half suspect is basically just all trumped up.”

An Online Christmas Card You Can Send To A Friend

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Merry Christmas to whomever you are!

As we gather round the Christmas tree,
Which was chopped and flocked for you and me,
We nibble on some scones and sip Chablis,
While outside it’s a dangerous one degree.

All the nicely wrapped presents that we see,
Are a result of that black friday shopping spree.
Why get one when you can afford to buy three,
Of those red candles scented with potpourri?

Christmas is a fun time of family glee,
Enhanced on Facebook with hyperbole.
Rather than giving each person a new CD,
Tis way more awesome to get a real pony!

One might suggest getting some activity,
Perhaps head out and go cross country ski.
But most would likely have to agree,
They’d rather watch football on NBC.

Facebook To Begin Charging Users A $30 Monthly Usage Fee

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Half of this new $30 monthly user fee will go towards combating fake news on Facebook.

Menlo Park, CA – In what may come as a surprise to most Facebook users, a new $30 monthly usage fee will begin being charged in 2017.

Many thought Facebook would never start charging a user fee but it was deemed necessary after allegations of rampant fake news on Facebook was believed to cause Hillary to lose the presidential election to Donald Trump.

Experts say that roughly half of the supposedly true news on the internet has been fabricated while half of what’s believed to be fake news is actually completely true.

So, half of the estimated $19 trillion raised by this $30 monthly usage fee will go towards ridding all fake news on Facebook.

Facebook satellite exploding on launch pad.

Facebook satellite exploding on launch pad.

Also, because of the recent explosion of the new Facebook satellite on the launch pad at Cape Canaveral, half of the revenue will help put numerous non-exploded Facebook satellites into orbit so the entire world can “like” what everyone’s doing.

The final half of the money raised from the new $30 Facebook monthly user fee will go directly to the top to ensure that Mr. Zuckerberg remains forever richer than the enterprising Carlos Slim from Mexico.

Fisherman Catches Rainbow Trout On Internet Using Clickbait

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Man catches fish online using clickbait!

Man catches fish online using clickbait!

Baiting Hollow, NY – As predicted, a man has actually caught a real live rainbow trout on the internet using only clickbait for a lure.

Mr. Clarity “Clare” Bostick of 4104 Melm Street in Baiting Hollow, New York now holds the record for the largest (and only) fish to be caught online using only clickbait.

“Let me be perfectly Clare, I was surprised as hell when I reeled in this beauty off the internet, using only clickbait!” said Clare Bostick of Melm Street.

Ironically, Clare’s wife is the first person to officially catch the Zika Virus from an app on her smartphone.

Both Clare and Clarissa Bostick of Melm Street attempted to post these unique events on Facebook but due to a new anti-clickbait algorithm, Facebook would not only not accept their posts but went on to delete their entire Facebook accounts.

Moral of the story: Do not use clickbait on Facebook or anything that even rhymes with clickbait such as trick plate, pick mate, kick straight, brick weight, and quick hate because these will not only not get published on the Facebook but will also cost you your Facebook membership for life.

Middle Finger Replaces Frown Face On Social Media

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An emoticon that says two words!

Middle Branch, Ohio – In an on-going effort to stay culturally current, the old frown face is now being replaced by the middle finger on The Facebook.

Emoticon experts all agree that this is a very good move in the right direction.

“The middle finger is way more expressive than the old frown face” says Tink Winkerdahl who blogs from his parents’ basement in Middlesex, New York.

“I personally believe that the middle finger is here to stay. The beta version which was introduced just last week has already been used a lot!”

Two Dead After Facebook Comment Section Argument Escalates

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Fargo, ND—A local news outlet’s facebook comment thread got a little out of hand late yesterday. What started out as a simple weather forecast status update found itself turned into a battleground for what onlookers thought would develop into World Wide Web War III.

The news station and status creepers alike bore witness to a rapidly snowballing political argument that soon escalated into personal attacks. Other users looked on, horrified as commenter “Michael” somehow got into it with another user about Obamacare and the 1% vs the 99%:

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This political argument soon intensified into hateful name-calling, and ultimately, a rage-fueled meet-up between the two.

The men hastily agreed to fight about it in a back alley but unfortunately, both brought guns. Upon seeing each other’s facebook avatars manifest themselves in real life, they simultaneously shot and killed one another.

When asked why he flew off the handle, now deceased user Michael had this to say:

“I blew his head off because I chose to be enraged. I made the decision to take offense to an unsolicited comment on an internet link that I also made a decision to click on. I have only myself to blame….I did this….in essence, I blew my own head off, and I’d do it again because that is who I am. I’m a Facebook Comment Rage-A-Holic.”

Dont Speak it. Ecard it.

I Only Speak Ecard Now.

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You’ve seen them.  You’ve probably posted one, two, or twelve hundred.  Ecards are the new scourge of facebook.

Everyone’s original thoughts have now finally gone the way of the dodo bird.  Intellectual thinking has vanished.  Poof.  Gone.  It seems everyone I know now only speaks in ecards now.

It goes like this: One wakes up in the morning, logs onto facebook and thinks, “man..I gotta post something deep and inspirational.”  They then proceed to comb facebook for an ecard that relates to something they are thinking so they can share this deep moment.  They don’t find anything so they visit the ecard website.  After careful consideration they share an ecard on facebook.

Live Long Enough To Shit

Perfect.  Now your friends are hopefully inspired for the rest of the morning.  You can finally continue on with the day.

Moving on, you head to work.  Having to deal with dumbass coworkers is hell.  We all know that.  What better way to express your outrage than an ecard.  No need to talk here.  Let’s ecard it!  Combing facebook you see a friend posted an ecard you agree with.  How can it be?  Is this person experiencing the same workplace crap that you are?  We are so alike! I must share.

I Wish You Were As Productive As Your Rectum Is

Great, great.  Now that that is out of your system it’s time for a break.  Wait, you’re feeling goofy so you head into the bathroom where you can’t be bothered and share something funny.  You must only show it in ecard form as that is the only way your friends can understand you now.

*combing the ecard website

Ahh perfect.  You found one.  Just what you were thinking.  *Share

i_just_want_you_to_know_that_amish_you

Hahaha.  You pat yourself on the back because you made a funny.  You realize you haven’t talked to a soul yet today and that’s fantastic and completely normal.

 

Alright! Work is done and you’re at home.  There you are sitting on your patio alone.  Not sure why.  You realize you better ecard what it’s like to be you right now on your patio.  There has to be an ecard for it.  Yes!  Indeed there is!

outdoorsy-getting-flirting-ecard-someecards

 

Your husband tells you to come in.  You don’t speak to your husband anymore either.  You only ecard him.  So, you pull up your computer and BAM!  You ecard him your thoughts.

Dinner Party Event Ecard

You huddle into your room to watch Honey Boo Boo that you had previously recorded while your husband is probably thinking about divorcing you.

 

So there you have it.  A day in the life of a human being in the year 2013 where ecards through facebook have become the new means of communication.

 

Don’t speak it!  Ecard it!

Dont Speak it. Ecard it.