Tag Archives: fight

Emergency Counselors Now Available For Problematic Family Situations

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We here at FECES are here to help you. Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services to the rescue!

Moorhead, MN – Summer means fun and family getogethers which can also lead to domestic disharmonies.

A new governMental agency called Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services (or FECES) is now here to help with an alphabet of problems including: altercations, brawls, conflicts, debates, eruptions, and fights.

If some serious disharmony breaks out during a gathering in your garage, at your lake cabin, or in a restaurant, just call Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services (or FECES) and they will professionally take care of your fecal matter.

When the shit hits the fan after the conversation turns to politics, climate change, or even gender fluidity, remember to immediately contact Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services (or FECES) to make sure everything comes out well in the end.

Heidi Heitkamp And Kevin Cramer Agree To Three UFC-Style Octagon Fights

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Will octagon fighting between candidates become the new normal? Tune in to find out.

Bismarck, ND – Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer, who are both fighting for the same Senate seat, will meet three times prior to the election in order to help undecided voters make their choice.

Their campaigns have agreed that these three meetings will each be a UFC-style fight held within a fenced octagon in which there basically are no rules.

North Dakota is possibly the first state to have their candidates engage in octagon fighting, instead of the normal (and boring) debate setting where they answer questions whilst standing at a podium and sip water for an hour.

These three exciting octagon fights between Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer are expected to be watched by people all across the country, not only because of the importance of the race but also because of the uniqueness of their encounters.

Fargo Bar Fight Begins After Man Asks Another To Borrow His Toogit

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Hey buddy, do you mind if I borrow your toogit? What the hell did you just ask me?!

Fargo, ND – In what could have been because of a possible misunderstanding, a bar fight broke out last night in a downtown Fargo bar after one man seemingly innocently asked a stranger if he could borrow the other man’s toogit.

Things quickly escalated to the point where push came to shove followed by the obligatory punches to the face.

Police officers on the scene talking to eye-witnesses later determined that the whole thing started due to a simple lack of understanding regarding what is a toogit.

Misunderstanding quickly escalated to perceived disrespect followed by the obligatory pummeling all because of a toogit.

Gang Signs Causing Fights Between Rival Retirement Homes

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Some retirement homes in Fargo are “not to be messed with” due to suspicious gang activities.

Fargo, ND – Apparently residents of opposing retirement homes in the Fargo area have been flashing gang signs back and forth at each other to the point where it has become “problematical”.

Police reports indicate that residents of Death Valley Retirement Home have been ramping up tensions between themselves and their opposition gang which resides at Purgatory Senior Living.

“We’re not sure how this whole thing got started but we do know it cannot keep on escalating like it has been without a bloody full-blown gang fight breaking out sometime soon,” offers Police officer Lt. Greg Greeno, who’s been assigned to this case.

Retirement home managers are considering searching resident rooms in search of weapons that could be used in a gang fight such as wooden spoons, rolled up newspapers, and even toothbrushes.

For now, you are being asked to stay away from Death Valley Retirement Home as well as Purgatory Senior Living until tensions can be ratcheted down a bit.

If you are going to visit a loved one who happens to be a gang member at one of these retirement homes, please pay attention to any gang signs you observe during your visit and report them immediately to the authorities.

Fargo Facebook Families Fatally Fear Fifty Foot Fast Flood Forecast

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Trying to be calmly proactive, fearful Fargo families fighting fifty foot fast-melting flood.

Fargo, ND – With the forecast calling for quick climate change from global cooling to global warming, many who fought The Big Flood zactly 20 years are starting to squirm any time the words “sand” or “bag” are mentioned.

The Benson Family: “Yah, we probly should’ve built that Red River Diversion by now, doncha know?”

The Sakimov Family: “We have already started filling sandbags out in our garage, like since last month I think, and we already hava-lota-vum.”

The Grinstein Group: “In school, my son herd that a very fast melt caused by rain could suddenly cause a record fifty foot flood right hier in River City, baby!”

The LaQuan Family Corp: “We are seriously looking into procuring a plethora of sandbags from various reliable sources some of which may be online. We steal sand from wherever we can dig it, man.”

The Nillson Gathering: “We just feel real real lucky to have all our favorite Facebook friends to help us out by firstly liking us on Facebook and secondly leaving such helpful and wonderful comments while they’re supposedly vacationing down there in Guatemala which I half suspect is basically just all trumped up.”

New ‘Cat Fight’ Movie Will Scare The Shit Out Of Cat Lovers

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Here Kitty Kitty!

Hollywood, CA – Set to open just before Halloween, the highly anticipated latest new scary movie called “Cat Fight” from Director Blaze Benzun will shirley deliver.

Cat lover and owner Shirley Nightly sees her lovable cat Fritz, whom she once found as a cute little abandoned kitten, go from a normal, decent cat to the mega-nightmare cat that only Blaze Benzun could have concocted.

People that have seen the movie have reportedly gone home and immediately “gotten rid of” their cat(s) out of incurable chronic acute felinophobia.

Look for Cat Fight at any theaters near you that show all those super scary movies around Halloween time.

Don’t try to trick the cat after you offer it a treat!

Silva vs Weidman

Silva and Weidman Kiss

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Silva vs WeidmanSilva and Weidman faced off yesterday at the UFC 162 weigh-ins.  This time they literally went chin-to-chin or lips to lips.

Things certainly have changed since I started watching UFC.  Before, the two men would either A. Be respectful, shake each others hands like grown ass mature men would do, complete a simple stare down for the cameras and go on their merry way or B. Hype the fight up a bit and put their hands in the other opponents face to get the crowd going.  Today, there is man lip on man lip action going on and I don’t like it.

UFC pre-fight weigh-ins is not the place to display ghay tendencies.  I’ve been seeing it more and more.  Am I going to see some butt slappin’ next?  Is the guy going to turn around to leave the weigh-ins and the other fighter starts slapping his ass?  Are the fighters going to hug and then help each other get their clothes back on after standoff?  Is that next?  Are they just going to full out have butt sex right there on the stage?  Where does it end?

I think it’s time for Dana White to step in here and set these fighters straight.  Get it?  I think he should call a meeting and let them know that they need to keep their ghay tendencies to a minimum during UFC weigh-ins.  After the weigh-ins it’s game on.  They can do as much butt slappin, lip mangling, or butt humping as they wish as long as its backstage and not in front of the masses.  Nobody wants to see that.

ANCHORMAN-Style Brawl Erupts in Motel 6 Parking Lot

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Fargo, ND – Taking inspiration from the 3 wise men (Jim, Jack, Jose) and the movie Anchorman (in which news teams do battle with weapons in a back-alley), a handful of drunks at the Motel 6 in Fargo went at it last night in the establishment’s parking lot. These maniacs each sported weapons-of-choice: construction tools and even one was said to have wielded a long gun. The lunatics waged war on each other like fucking Braveheart for a number of minutes until police arrived to break up the melee. Charges have yet to be filed and a number of the men were brought by ambulance to Essentia hospital with injuries.

No word yet on whether or not Paul Ryan’s lie-packed Republican National Convention speech had anything to do with the argument between the men. This reporter would like to blame the guys’ brawl and every other world issue on Honey Boo Boo, but the timing of Ryan’s speech and this story is too perfect to ignore.