Green Bay, Wisconsin – Folks in the cheese state are snapping up the new $10 federal reserve notes like chiclets.
After quarterback Aaron Rodgers signed his new mega-million dollar contract which runs thru 2023, the U.S. Mint in Milwaukee started printing the new Aaron Rodgers $10 bills mostly for circulation in Wisconsin.
Derck Burgos, who initiated the idea, says that cheese heads are really loving their new currency.
“Even tho Wisconsinites are loving having their beloved quarterback on the ten-spot, we don’t think people in Chicago or Minneapolis are going to go for these new bills,” opines Mr. Burgos.
Ironically, all the letters in Derck Burgos can be re-arranged to spell: Buck Rodgers!
In case you don’t feel like watching the Super Bowl, there are some great alternatives.
Fargo, ND – If you’re looking for some fun and different options to do whilst everyone else in the world is watching the Super Bowl ads, we have thoughtfully surveyed the greater Fargo-Moorhead area to come up with some great alternatives for you, boiled down into one short convenient list:
10. Host an Anti-Super Bowl party and watch CNN.
9. Paint your interior walls with a wild jungle scene.
8. Volunteer to work as a bouncer at a local soup kitchen.
7. Go pick out your next pet(s) at the Humane Society.
6. Do comparison price shopping at different grocery stores.
5. Organize all your belongings alphabetically into boxes labeled A-Z.
4. Go door-to-door and ask people what they’re doing?
3. Read the Book of Revelation out loud and then meditate.
2. Discuss the Nunes memo with close friends and family.
1. Watch the Puppy Bowl on the Animal Planet channel.
Debra Getty-Widder: NFL’s first female quarterback is more than ready to step up!
Viking, MN – The Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback controversy seems to finally be resolving itself in dramatic fashion.
Whilst Sam Bradford is heading to the Injured Reserve list, the Minisoda Vikings have signed Debra Getty-Widder who will not only be the Viking’s new starting quarterback but also the first female quarterback in the history of the national football league.
Debra was understandably unavailable for comment after fully participating in practices this week, however Coach Mike Zimmer did tell us: “Debra has done great in practice, seems to move well, and is throwing the ball very accurately. Now we just want to get everybody feeling comfortable with the new situation.”
Ironically, all the letters in Debra Getty-Widder can be re-arranged to spell: Teddy Bridgewater!
“Bloody” Buddy Driscoll will be driving the #99 car in the Daytona 500 for the FM Observer Team!
Daytona Beach, FL – The FM Observer will be watching the Daytona 500 this year with an extra element of excitement.
Buddy “Bloody” Driscoll will be our designated driver and driving the #99 Nascar in hopes of taking the checkered flag for the FM Observer Team after 200 times around the track.
Buddy, who is 52 years young, will drive a green Toyota Tercel while his brother Dickie Driscoll, who was born under a car, will be his pit crew chief.
Bloody Buddy Driscoll grew up racing in Ireland where he blew away his competition while winning over the crowds with his “aggressive” style. After most of his races, he ended up quite bloody, thus his catchy nickname: Bloody Driscoll.
Buddy credits all his success in his stellar career to one proven strategery: Use what’s working and throw the rest out the window! While racing, Buddy has one singular focus and that is on pure speed, because Buddy always says: Speed Wins Races!
Lady Gaga, shown here alongside her malformed pet wildebeest Vivian. Vivian suffers from bovine dwarfism, leaving her mandible, horns and legbones much smaller in stature compared to a normal wildebeest.
Fresno, CA – Stage performer Lady Gaga, fresh off one of the most scintillating Super Bowl halftime show performances of the modern era, has formally announced that she will embark on a nationwide “performance art” tour.
The tour, nicknamed the “Gaga-Lactic” tour, will include live shows with Gaga dressed like a Slovakian milk farmer and a misshapen wildebeest moonlighting as a cow.
Gaga and Vivian will perform previously unheard material with songs like:
Cow Are You?
Milk My Soul To Death
If I Cud, I Would
Moo Over, I Can’t Breathe
You’re My Better Calf
The show’s Fargo stop will occur at FargoDome the night before the night before the week after the summer solstice, which is coincidentally the anniversary of the very first Holstein cow milking as observed on the ancient Celtic Calendar as the Great Lactic Dawn.
Tickets for this tawdry event, if you can get them, go on sale two weeks from three days after yesterday.
As i’m sure everyone is aware, the two head coaching brothers John and Jim Harbaugh will be leading their respective teams against each other in the Super Bowl this February 3rd. They have been a competitive pair of siblings ever since their childhood days and judging from past performance, their blood runs hot with the desire to win.
As reported by CBS Baltimore, the two brothers have been exchanging only text messages prior to the big game. Upon hearing this news, I became unnaturally curious as to what was being said so I did what any aggressively curious person would: I decided to magically obtain a hacked text message conversation between the two brothers. The following is a transcript of Jim texting on the right (green) with John replying on the left (grey):
It would appear we have quite the sibling rivalry on our hands here! What better way to finally prove who is the better brother than beating him in the Super Bowl. This rivalry is sure to escalate over the coming days as the Har-Bowl gets closer. We will keep you updated.