Tag Archives: nfl draft

Vikings Place Sam Bradford On Injured Reserve And Activate Debra Getty-Widder

Debra Getty-Widder: NFL’s first female quarterback is more than ready to step up!

Viking, MN – The Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback controversy seems to finally be resolving itself in dramatic fashion.

Whilst Sam Bradford is heading to the Injured Reserve list, the Minisoda Vikings have signed Debra Getty-Widder who will not only be the Viking’s new starting quarterback but also the first female quarterback in the history of the national football league.

Debra was understandably unavailable for comment after fully participating in practices this week, however Coach Mike Zimmer did tell us: “Debra has done great in practice, seems to move well, and is throwing the ball very accurately. Now we just want to get everybody feeling comfortable with the new situation.”

Ironically, all the letters in Debra Getty-Widder can be re-arranged to spell: Teddy Bridgewater!

Only Five Days Until NFL Draft Speculation Finally Ends

photo-mel-kiper-2011-mock-draft-on-this-siteNew York, NY–A little over 5 days ’til NFL draft talking heads shut up for another year, the Observer has learned. At long last, Mel Kiper’s perfect hair and Todd McShay’s boyish charm are slated to expire at the final culmination of this year’s NFL Draft which takes place May 8th, 9th and 10th.

If you listen carefully during an NFL Live telecast, you can hear area sports fans letting out a massive, collective sigh of frustration as Kiper and McShay break down the first round of the Draft for like the 80th fucking time this week.

Seismologists predict that the moans and groans emitted from SportsCenter viewers across the nation could result in a minor earthquake between now and the end of draft weekend. That being said, Geologists are recommending you stay inside and completely ignore the incessant spouting of pundits until at least next Monday.

Are NFL Draft Hopefuls Tanking To Avoid Being Drafted By The Browns? An FM Observer Investigative Report

 

A history of unlucky players (taken from Wikipedia)

An unfortunate history of unlucky players (via Wikipedia)

Cleveland, OH—An FM Observer investigative report concludes without a doubt that a number of surefire first-round NFL draft picks have been under-performing for scouts at the combine and during private team workouts in an effort to reduce the likelihood that the Cleveland Browns football team will pick them with the #4 overall selection.

The Observer spoke candidly with a number of potential top-10 recruits who all seemed to reflect a similar distaste for the Browns franchise.

“If you look at it, this is Cleveland’s 7th top-ten pick since 2004. They haven’t been getting any better as a result. Just between you and me…I don’t want any part of it. A couple million bucks is worth falling from 4 to 6 if it means not playing for them,” said first-round hopeful Johnny Manziel. “Could I make the team better? Maybe I could, up until they cut me. Let’s face it–we all know the Browns aren’t winning any Super Bowls. Not in this lifetime.”

QBsBlake Bortles, who is projected to go in the top 10, sat uncomfortably as we talked about the possibility of him being taken #4 overall. “I think I’m top-five material, but man, when Cleveland brought me in for a workout…I…I really stunk it up. I threw with my left arm instead of my right in hopes that they wouldn’t like me. I also guessed randomly on the Wonderlic. That should throw them off my trail. Damn…being a top-five prospect is scary. The risk outweighs the reward. Big time.”

A.J. McCarron cut right to the chase during his sit-down interview. “Signing a 4-year contract with Cleveland is every player’s worst nightmare,” he said. “I lay awake at night, sweating, biting my nails, fearfully imagining what life would be like as a Brown. Sure, there’s money, but you…you’re a Brown. It’s a death sentence. Yay! Every Sunday I get to suit up in that ugly uniform, take a cold-weather beating, then explain to the media what went wrong. No thank you.”