The muddiest two minutes in sports were then followed by the muddiest 22 minutes in horse racing!
Louisville, KY – For the first time ever in its 145 year history, the Kentucky Derby will be re-run.
This unprecedented re-running of the Race For The Roses is due to a very controversial finish which resulted in the second biggest long shot ever to win the race, and which many consider a total fluke.
Maximum Security got called for interfering with War Of Will which breaks the racing Code Of Honor and which led to a Maximum Security disqualification which resulted in the Game Winner being 65-1 long shot Country House who was the Improbable horse to take home the roses.
But hold your horses! After much post-race day debate, the Kentucky Derby will be run again to see who the real winner is!
With the help of Mt. Dew, the world record was just shattered by these two West Fargo heroes.
West Fargo, ND – After two West Fargo athletes broke the three-minute mile barrier, they both admitted to cheating by drinking a couple Mountain Dews prior to their record-breaking race.
Zippy Blistad and Flasher Perkins both ran a mile in just under three minutes during the final race of the day.
During their post-race interview with ESPN each of the boys openly admitted to drinking “a lot” of Mountain Dew soda pop soft drink to boost their racing parameters.
Obviously it worked. Unfortunately, both athletes will be banned from the Olympix due to new Doping Standards imposed after recent revelations revealing rampant rule regulations.
If you and your family would like to meet and greet Zippy and Flasher and also perhaps congratulate them on their amazing accomplishment, the boys will be doing a Congratulatory Run through the streets of West Fargo. If they look at all tired or slow, offer them up some Mt. Dew for a nice little kick-start.
“Bloody” Buddy Driscoll will be driving the #99 car in the Daytona 500 for the FM Observer Team!
Daytona Beach, FL – The FM Observer will be watching the Daytona 500 this year with an extra element of excitement.
Buddy “Bloody” Driscoll will be our designated driver and driving the #99 Nascar in hopes of taking the checkered flag for the FM Observer Team after 200 times around the track.
Buddy, who is 52 years young, will drive a green Toyota Tercel while his brother Dickie Driscoll, who was born under a car, will be his pit crew chief.
Bloody Buddy Driscoll grew up racing in Ireland where he blew away his competition while winning over the crowds with his “aggressive” style. After most of his races, he ended up quite bloody, thus his catchy nickname: Bloody Driscoll.
Buddy credits all his success in his stellar career to one proven strategery: Use what’s working and throw the rest out the window! While racing, Buddy has one singular focus and that is on pure speed, because Buddy always says: Speed Wins Races!
Fargo, ND – Unlike past years when Fargo Marathon runners had to run a pre-defined, set route to a pre-determined finish line, this year the full marathon runners will be able to run their own routes.
As usual, all runners for the full marathon will begin together from the Fargodome but as soon as they leave the building, they are free to run in any damn direction they want and take whatever route that they decide to run.
Race organizer Troy Aggen explains it all like this:
“It’s a very new concept in marathoning which will eliminate that annoying early-race cloggage and also add an exciting element of creativity for the runners.”
“Just think of it as one of those large pyrotechnical fireworks that goes off into every direction when it explodes.”
“By having every runner’s Fitbit race monitor sending data back to our main race computer, we’ll know exactly how long it took each person to run the 26.2 miles.”
Fargo, ND—The annual Fargo Marathon was greeted with an unlikely participant this year as one area man haphazardly decided to not run, not jog, not walk but sleepwalk a portion of the route. Packy Backmelt, an apparent victim of sleepwalking, awoke to cheers as he zombie-walked his way past the finish line this morning. This made the Observer wonder: how did this happen?
Sleepwalkers tend to roam around in a half-conscious-unconscious state, able to manipulate doorknobs and bounce off of walls and house pets. When questioned, Packy had no recollection of the events leading up to his crossing the finish line. What he can confirm is that his house resides on one of the streets that comprised the marathon route. The Observer was forced to investigate.
Runners were polite enough not to interfere with Packy’s adventure.
What we found out was this: since Backmelt works the graveyard shift, he returned home from work promptly at 6:00am only to be greeted with pooling crowds and road closures. He was forced to park a couple blocks west of his home. The extended walk to his front door made him more disoriented than usual, causing him forget to lock his front door (as he normally does to prevent precisely this type of incident).
A couple hours after falling asleep, Packy rose from the dead and sleepwalked his way outside with relative ease. He wandered onto the street, blending in with marathon runners and other passers-by, bouncing around jauntily only to cross the finish line a half an hour later.
Marathon officials stated that this unsanctioned participant “hilariously snuck his way into the race, unbeknownst to both us and spectators alike” but they will not be charging him with race interference.