In South Dakota, there are lots of great places and great spaces…to make meth.
Methadone, SD – The rest of the country was immediately jealous after South Dakota recently unveiled its incredible new state slogan: Meth–We’re On It!
This extraordinarily catchy phrase was the result of extremely long brainstorming binges followed by much tweaking and re-tweaking until South Dakota finally got it right.
If you’re curious, here are some of the other great slogans that South Dakota came up with, which unfortunately did not make the final cut:
All roads in South Dakota lead to meth. Prometheus loves South Dakota! South Dakota doesn’t meth around. L E T M E T H I N K Our favorite stone is Amethyst. Don’t say yeth to meth. Methamatics is all about numbers. South Dakota is tweaking its methodology. Come visit South Meth-kota! There’s a method to our madness. Avoid death. Avoid meth. Avoid South Dakota. South Dakota’s in a hell of a meth. Today methinks. Yesterday methought. Methodists worship South Dakota. There’s something about South Dakota. Join us for lunch in our meth hall. Our new name is Meth Dakota. Why does meth rhyme with death? We teach meth in our skools. Don’t meth up your life like we did. We’re cracking our meth problem. Help us save Planet Meth. Mind over meth matters. We won’t sleep till we solve our meth problem. Meth can make your mind go South. Say yeth to not doing any more meth. Do you mind if we meth around? South Dakota: Great meth. Grave death.
Jupiter, Florida – In the wake of Tiger Woods getting arrested for driving under the influence (of something), many see this as his quiet way of asking for help.
Dr. Pedigo Elsworth explains that Tiger Woods may be the victim of over-wealthiness which can easily take its toll on an otherwise fairly normal person.
Dr. Dople Seigworth concurs, noting that having an abundance of money can leave a vacuous void in someone’s life which is usually filled with drugs, alcohol, facebook, or liberalism.
Life ain’t easy when you’re super rich. Just ask Tiger, whose hair is now going gray.
A Go-Fund-Me account is being set up to help Tiger Woods however none of the money raised will actually be given to Tiger as that would just make matters worse for him.
Tiger Woods: “Yeah, I really appreciate the help and support since that is what I need. The song lyrics ‘When you’re down and troubled, and you need a helping hand, and nothing, nothing is going right’ pretty much describes my life these days.”
Ironically, both Pedigo Elsworth and Dople Seigworth can be rearranged to spell: Help Tiger Woods!
“Many people have an uncontrollable craving for Eggnog.” –Pastor Gregg Donkin
Fargo, ND – A new support group is now forming in the Fargo-Moorhead area for people who are Eggnogaholics.
These are local folks living amongst us who cannot control their desire and lust for the holiday drink we call “Eggnog”.
If you are one of these locals who load up on and then uncontrollably glug the nog by your Christmas tree, then you know exactly of what we speaketh.
For those non-Eggnog cravers, addiction to the holiday nogdrink can be as strong and powerful as being addicted to nicotine, smartphone thumbing, and watching CNN.
Pastor Gregg Donkin is the leader of the new Eggnog Support Group: “Please come and join us if drinking Eggnog is your main weakness. We will be serving free Eggnog to anyone who would like to attend our meetings but who simply cannot go one hour without Eggnog while discussing it with others who share your nogmania.”
Ironically, all the letters in “Gregg Donkin” can be re-arranged to spell: Drink Eggnog!
Fargo,ND−Area mother Cynthia Lincoln-Baxter finds herself utterly perplexed at the fact that Colorado hasn’t devolved into an absolute wasteland full of crime, poverty and despair since the state’s decriminalization of marijuana last year.
“With pots as dangerous as they are I just don’t understand how cities like Denver haven’t succumbed to all the pots-fueled crime,” hissed Lincoln-Baxter, in between bites of string cheese that she wasn’t even taking apart—just chomping into it like some kind of rage-fueled monster. “Especially if you consider the proven notion that pots leads to heroin addiction. That alone should have killed off half the city’s population by now,” she said.
Lincoln-Baxter also seemed visibly distraught at the media’s lack of pot-related crime coverage. “Why hasn’t Brian Williams been telling us about the pot suicides and driving while high deaths?” she asked, quizzically. “Obama is blocking these reports!! I’ve been reading the Denver Post and not ONE mention of pot suicide or pot driving deaths like I know there has been.”
If you’ve seen any legitimate reports of “pot suicides” or “pot-induced coma” or “pot driving deaths” or “pot riots” or “pots murder” or “bong-related assaults” or “pot-fueled domestic disputes” or “pot on pot crime”, please, let us know in the comment section.