Des Moines, Iowa – Once caucus leaders realized their new app apparently was unable to perform under pressure, an old adding machine was brought out of a dusty old closet.
Seemingly in dire need of a basic adding machine, Iowa Democrats somehow found a 1920s Victor adding machine to help them try to accurately determine who was rightly the victor of the country’s first presidential caucus.
Even though the results of the Iowa Democrat presidential caucus might not be certain for months, at least they have a solid and reliable piece of machinery upon which to tally the precinct totals and hopefully then one day announce with full confidence which candidate was the victor.
Moral of the story: During these modern times of apps and downs, we might still want to remember how to do things the old-fashioned way.
It may take weeks to put together the pieces of this puzzling death.
Fargo, ND – What began as a potentially fun afternoon gradually swirled into a personal implosion for one jigsaw puzzle tournament participant.
Mr. Lemm Tweed–Clopton entered the annual jigsaw puzzle tournament with high hopes of possibly finishing in the Top Five people to successfully complete a very challenging jigsaw puzzle in one very intense race against time.
Mr. Tweed–Clopton had not done very well in past tournaments but regular practice sessions seemed to have indicated some improvement.
Shortly after the tournament’s starting bell, Lemm began experiencing a major panic attack caused by extreme frustration from not being able to get any of the puzzle pieces to fit together.
When the ambulance showed up minutes later, Mr. Lemm Tweed–Clopton was pronounced dead, but the actual cause of death remains puzzling.
Unfortunately for him, all of the letters in Lemm Tweed–Clopton can be re-pieced together to spell:Complete Meltdown!
Daddy, why don’t you just use that microwave oven to get rid of all the snow?
Moorhead, MN – After his daughter suggested the challenge, Wiman Moravec of North Moorhead attempted to tweak an older microwave oven to operate while open, in order to clear all the snow from their driveway.
After making some calculated modifications, Mr. Moravec and his daughter slowly moved the microwave oven around his driveway until all the snow had quickly “vaporized”.
Ironically, all the letters in Wiman Moravec can be microwaved to spell: Microwave Man!
Hawaii, HI – Governmental leaders are trying to remind residents and visitors on Hawaii’s Big Island that hot lava is nothing with which to play around.
“Even though it looks so mesmerizingly beautiful, please do not attempt to touch the hot lava or even go near it as it can sometimes bubble up and the spattered little drops could ruin your nice new Hawaiian shirt,” says Kiko Kimona, Hawaii’s top lavologist.
One angry vacationer visiting from Moorhead, Minnesota was considering filing a lawsuit because the lava was so hot that it completed melted her can of Beef Ravioli that she was trying to cook for her family (not to mention what it did to their rental car).
Suffering from the Fargo Syndrome can cause suffering from the Fargo Syndrome.
Fargo, ND – Many clinics have begun reporting cases of people suffering from the effects of The Fargo Syndrome.
Doctors say it is comes from a fermenting combination of: the long cold winter, a lack of sun and warm fresh air, a depressing sense that you’re living out in the middle of nowhere, and how terribly the Minnesota Vikings season ended.
If you think you might be starting to feel the toxic effects of The Fargo Syndrome, either turn on all your lights, call a friend, go shopping, book a flight to Cancun, or try taking another Xanax.
Experts do point out that one very positive note is that it could be much worse. You could be living up in Grand Forks!
The Amanda Bynes meltdown is going just as expected. She has reportedly been moved Los Angeles psychiatric center that previously treated Brittney Spears. She is following previous celebrities footsteps just wonderfully.
Below she can be seen leaving the Hillmont Psychiatric Center Hospital dressed as a ghost with a blue clown wig. The thought was that the ghost costume would confuse the paparazzi as ghosts are invisible most of the time. The blue clown wig kind of gives it away though.
I’m a ghost!
We will continue to follow this celebrities meltdown just as long as she doesn’t keep dressing as a ghost.
Monday night, Amanda Bynes made a little campfire over the weekend. What’s wrong with that you ask? Well, it was on a random persons driveway and in a retirement community. Totally normal.
After police arrived, they determined she needed to be on 5150 hold. Presumably after Amanda Bynes gave them very normal and coherent answers. Just kidding. Her answers were so wacky she needed to be involuntarily hospitalized to get mentally evaluated. Totally normal.
If you haven’t been following, Amanda Bynes is having a meltdown. She has a lot of competition though if she wants to be the best of the best on celebrity meltdowns. I mean, she has to compete with the likes of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Charlie Sheen. This is no easy task.
Amanda Bynes is going to have to step up her game if she wishes to stand out in celebrity meltdowns. Lighting campfires on random peoples driveways isn’t going to cut it.