House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff doesn’t allow Republicans to have any pizza.
Swamp City, DC – On Day One of the House Impeachment Inquiry of President Trump, Chairman Adam Schiff ordered an abundance of luncheon pizza for the Democrats on the committee but did not allow the Republicans to order or have any pizza.
Ranking minority member Devin Nunes fretfully asked Chairman Schiff why the Republicans were not allowed to have any of the Democratic pizza, or even just to be able to order any pizza for themselves.
The stoically rigid chairman of the House Intelligence Committee responded by saying that the minority party does not have the power to order any pizza for lunch, nor have the right to share in any of the Majority’s pizza-fest.
When the Republican members asked what lunch options they had, Adam Schiff explained that any written requests the Republicans submitted to the committee would eventually be considered by the Majority party…in a secret closed session.
Presidents Trump and Zelensky making a deal to secretly exchange children between their two countries.
Kyiv, Ukraine – In a stunning new development which is further fueling the inexorable impeachment inquiry, whistle blowers are blowing their whistles over a Kid Pro Quo deal that President Trump secretly made with Lord Voldemort Zelensky of Ukraine.
Apparently the deal included secret plans for the United States to set up a children exchange program with Ukraine.
It is not clear at this juncture whether or not any children have already been exchanged between the two countries.
Democrats believe that if this Kid Pro Quo is proven to be true during their live televised hearings, then they should have enough support and momentum to impeach President Donald Trump prior to the upcoming 2020 elections.
In the meantime, if you are a child who was exchanged between the United States and Ukraine, please call the Kid Pro Quo hotline to talk with a highly trained federal counselor who will secretly walk you through your options.
Impeach is the new favorite ice cream flavor in many blue states.
West Fargo, ND – Surrounded by family, close friends, and a few random strangers, Mr. Patrum McPhie let himself go toward the light after hearing the news that President Trump had just been impeached.
Dr. Mutch Pimpare who was acting as spokesperson for the motley group, said they believed it was the best thing to offer up the fake news to the family’s dying patriarch that President Trump had just been impeached so that Mr. McPhie could just relax and go in peace.
Ironically, both Mutch Pimpare and Patrum McPhie can somehow be magically re-arranged to spell: Impeach Trump!