Tag Archives: glutton free

Directions To Our FMO Corporate Headquarters For Reader Meet-N-Greet Parties

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Our FMO Corporate Office Park can be reached from almost anywhere!

West Fargo, ND – In appreciation of our beloved and faithful readers, your FM Observer will be hosting a sensational series of Reader Meet-N-Greets during each of the upcoming weekends.

Expensively fine free food will continually be served by our very own French Chef Jean-Claude Sorbonne including Loony Lobster Bisque, Polar Bear Patty Burgers, Midwest Carp Casserole, Red Rum Spicy Pie, and old-fashioned Butterscotch Pudding.

Fabulous door prizes will include: A vintage Vespa scooter, valuable paintings by Amsterdam Douglass, Get-out-of-Jail cards, one-way trips To Grand Forks, unopened cans of Spam, breeding pairs of Sugar Gliders, autographed and framed pictures of Dr. Willy Nilly, and lots more!

Live Music will be provided by The Double Negatives.

Amazingly accurate fortune tellings will be performed by Precog!

How to get to FMO Headquarters from almost anywhere: Turn right at the next light, drive 4.2 miles until you see a small house on a corner, turn left, and then simply follow our welcome signs. Enjoy! And thanks for reading the FM Observer ☺

Mind Expansion Seminars Can Help You Reach Beyond Your Full Potential!

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Consider your mind to be the final frontier of endless possibilities.

West Fargo, ND – Have you been thinking that up until now you have not been using the full power of your mind?

Do you sometimes wonder how much brain power is actually under the hood of your head?

The FM Observer is proud to announce that our dear friend Dr. Madison Pennix will be hosting some powerful and life–changing Mind Expansion Seminars in the FM area.

All subjects related to thinking, memory, logic, intuition, and cognition will be discussed in serious talks sprinkled with levity and personal anecdotes.

Please stop by our corporate headquarters to sign up for these free Mind Expansion Seminars but we do ask for a voluntary mandatory donation of $500 to help provide seminar leaders and special guests with enough food and drink to make them feel like rock stars during their time here.

Ironically, all the letters in Madison Pennix can be re-arranged to spell: Mind Expansion!

Sign Up To Join The FMO Birthday Club For Only $100

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For a mere $100, you will enjoy all the perks of being a proud member of the FMO Birthday Club.

West Fargo, ND – Are you a person who has a birthday and who likes to have fun? Have you been looking for a way to make perfunctory birthdays more functory?

May we suggest that you join the FM Observer Birthday Club by sending us all of your personal identifying information, along with $100 for shipping and handling.

From there, the possibilities are endless!

On or near your birthday, you may receive a personal call or visit from The Pope who might even give you a free rosary, and show you different cool things you can do with it!

We may do a satirically fake-news post about you on our website and unleash it to go viral in South Dakota!

You possibly could get any number of hot pizzas delivered to your current GPS location and/or multiple singing telegrams by entire robed church choirs!

Your name might be entered into a drawing to travel with us to Goosey Goosey Island for an endless bonfire weekend where you may be taught our secret double handshake and possibly be given your very own emergency whistle.

By joining the FMO Birthday Club for only $100, you could maybe win a lifetime supply of some random items selected especially for you.

Finally, for any new and fully-paid members to the FMO Birthday Club, you will not only be invited to go to the Humane Society and select yourself a free puppy, but you will also get to name it and keep it for the rest of your lives!

FMO’s BiWeekly Public Service Announcements

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Contact FMO’s PSA Department if you have something to add to our next PSA listing.

West Fargo, ND – Here is this biweekly’s rendition of your FM Observer’s mandatory Public Service Announcements, offered freely to you, our beloved readers, under the strict strictures of the PSA Regulatory Council of America, Section VI, Code 9, Clausette B-12, where it clearly states: Thou shalt offer thy beloved readers free Public Service Announcements of your own volition and in accordance with The Regulatory Council of America.

Here are your Public Service Announcements for the week of January 7-18, 2017 (in some particular order):

☺Edna Adams will be hosting a Book Discussion Club in her basement on Tuesdays. The first book Edna would like to discuss is The Bible.

☺Carl Doofkins has a rabbit he would like to find a home for. The Doofster says it makes a good pet or tastes great sauted in a white wine garlic deglaze.

☺Melvin and Marvin Hankster want to sell everything in their basement. They do not believe their black mold problem should negatively affect anything down there.

☺Arlene Sorna would like to thank everyone for helping look for her cat. Unfortunately, Felixia was picked up by a bald eagle and taken to an undisclosed location.

☺Glenn and Marleen Gagsetter will be hosting a family getogether in their garage on Sunday. Please bring a treat to share while remembering that Marleen is gluten-free and Glenn is glutton-free.

☺Jeni Topkins is offering baby-sitting services to help pay for her trip to Colorado.

☺Alvin Damner is looking for a replacement chainsaw blade for his Model 1100 X-Pro after his last one came flying off while Alvin was trying to jimmy-rig his galvanized steel compression pipes.

☺The graduation party for Tim Nugator has been postponed again since it does not look like graduation will be in Tim’s near future.

☺Max Glanders thinks he might have lost his cellphone near The Northern Gentlemen’s Club. Please call Max if you found it. Max’s cellphone number is: 555-555-5555.

☺Doreen Bunglower will not be hosting Bridge Club on Wednesday because she wants to watch the Harry Conick Jr. television show that day since Michael Bolton is the scheduled special guest.

☺In honor of Sid Bumer’s 90th birthday, his family is planning a surprise party for Sid. All guests are asked to dress in crazy costumes and wait quietly in the dining room until Sid wakes up from his afternoon nap.

Many Restaurants Starting To Go Glutton-Free

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gluttonfree1px1Fargo, ND – A trend that may have started down in Mississippi is starting to take root in Fargo, North Dakota. Many eating establishments in the Fargo area are on the verge of going Glutton-Free.

The idea is to help the obese by disallowing them from entering restaurants. This would also make it much more pleasant for all the other patrons who have chosen to go eat out.

Justin David Pepperstone, who is currently president of the Fargo Restaurant Operators Group (FROG) explains that “just as folks don’t want to have to be seated next to an extremely fat person on a four hour airplane flight, neither do they want to watch a glutton excessively gorge themselves at the table next to theirs when out for a quiet romantic dinner”.

Mr. Pepperstone also mentioned a biblical Proverb in defense of FROG’s decision: “Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags.”

How will you be able to identify which restaurants have gone Glutton-Free? Just look for the places that have installed newly designed Glutton-Free narrow doors. If you can fit through the door, you are Glutton-Free.