Tag Archives: prison

FMO’s Medivan To Provide Free Medical Check-Ups To Shovelers

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FMO’s new Medivan is now offering free full physical exams to anyone out shoveling.

West Fargo, ND – While out shoveling heavy snow and pushing your body to the limit, how would you like to step into the warmth of a mobile medical van for a free full physical examination?

Our long-time friend Dr. Fred Wangstone first had the idea of having a Medivan to provide free medical services while he was in prison for having impersonated a medical doctor.

Now that Dr. Wangstone is out of prison, your FM Observer has helped our friend Fred make his pipe dream come true!

If you are out shoveling your driveway, sidewalk, deck, or roof and you see Dr. Wangstone’s free Medivan coming down your unplowed street, simply wave it down to stop for your full free medical check-up along with unlimited Oreo cookies and some spicy hot rum punch.

Bad Red Panda Gets Solitary Confinement After Escaping From The Red River Zoo

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To teach the bad Red Panda a lesson, Sheffield will spend 40 days in The Hole.

Fargone, ND – After a bad Red Panda named Sheffield escaped from the Red River Zoo, the head warden for the zoo felt he needed to send a very strong message to all of the rest of the zoo inmates.

For escaping from the zoo, their bad Red Panda named Sheffield will get forty (40) days in solitary confinement, and its provisions will be limited to only bamboo shoots, bamboo leaf tips, and various insects.

Warden Nowlan Paddock in his own words: “If we have to play hardball, we will certainly play hardball, in order to dissuade other animal inmates from even thinking about escaping from our colorful Red River Zoo Prism System.”

During the escape, after a few tense hours while Sheffield was possibly terrorizing nearby neighborhoods and causing temporary pandamonium, Zoo guards cleverly coaxed Sheffield down from a tree outside the zoo by bribing the bad Red Panda with its favorite cigarettes, expensive imported rum, and various Chinese candies.

Ironically, all of the letters in Nowlan Paddock can be re-arranged to spell: Panda Lockdown!

New Home Radar System Detects And Then Detains Package Stealers

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Detect & Detain with the Hatchett Protection System!

Fargo, ND – A new home property protection system developed by a Fargo inventor will safely protect your delivered packages on your front door step until you get home.

Dr. Nacci Hatchett’s system includes radar detection for your entire property along with the ability to completely detain the culprits with a variety of non-lethal weapons.

Once your Hatchett Protection System determines that a prowler (and not your spouse) is stealing an outdoor package, you can choose to have the intruder strongly bound by a system of bolas, tazed, netted, caged, or all of these (in the exact same order).

Dr. Hatchett’s system then automatically calls the police who will respond with an aggressively hungry K-9 unit.

Since North Dakota leads the nation in stolen packages, this new Hatchett Protection System is sure to sell like hotcakes with warm maple syrup.

Ironically, all the letters in Nacci Hatchett can be re-arranged to spell: Catch In The Act!

Shoplifter Sentenced To Twenty Years At The West Acres Mall

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Just imagine having to spend 20 years in the West Acres Mall…without ever leaving!

Fargo, ND – A chronic shoplifter who recently was caught stealing twenty items from the West Acres Mall has been given an unusual sentence for her crime.

A creative judge has handed Hope Flirts a punishment of twenty consecutive years of confinement in the West Acres Mall.

Hope in her own words: “Well, what the hell? Quite frankly, I would rather spend twenty years in a normal prison than be stuck in the fricking West Acres Mall for twenty fracking years! Do you know what I’m saying?”

Ms. Flirts who is now 45 years old will not be allowed to physically leave the West Acres Mall until she is ready to retire at the ripe old age of 65.

If she is caught stealing just one item during the next 20 years, she will then be invited to finish out the remainder of her sentence at Alcatraz.

Ironically, all the letters in Hope Flirts can be re-arranged to spell: Shoplifter!

Many Now See The Catholic Church As Institutionalized Pedophilia

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Maybe not allowing Catholic priests to marry wasn’t such a great idea after all.

Vaticano – After endless stories of sexual abuse gradually see the light of day, many people, when they now think of the Catholic Church, primarily see it as an institution cloaked with chronic, criminal, pedophiliac activities.

To make matters worse, if that’s even possible, is that many of the abusive Catholic leaders threatened their young and innocent victims with eternal damnation if they ever spoke of the evil inflicted upon them by these supposedly godly men.

It seems the ones who should be worried about eternal damnation are the priests, bishops, archbishops, and cardinals who chose to “exercise their authority” in ways that normally would get one sent to prison for life.

If all the perpetrators involved are planning on avoiding any serious punishment by saying their sins are simply forgiven, then too, those who may inflict severe corporal punishment on them will also have their sins forgiven.

Lottery Winner On Way To Collect Jackpot Killed By Distracted Driver

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Lucky to have won the lottery jackpot but then unlucky to have gotten hit by a distracted driver.

Bismarck, ND – Ty Barich was excitedly on his way to collect his jackpot millions after repeatedly checking his winning lottery ticket with his pregnant wife.

While crossing the street en route to the lottery headquarters, Mr. Barich got hit by a distracted driver who decided it was more important to text “LOL” to his friend rather than stop at a red light and look for any pedestrians crossing the street on a green light.

Now, because a dummkopf distracted driver thinking that texting a short quick message on his smartphone was more important than paying attention to being in control of his moving motorized vehicle, another innocent person’s life is unncessarily altered or even taken away from them and their family.

The North Dakota legislature is now considering increasing the penalty for distracted driving to either life behind bars (with no access to a smartphone) or quickly being put in front of a firing squad composed of people who have been negatively affected by a distracted driver.

Ironically, all of the letters in “Ty Barich” can be re-arranged to spell: Hit by car!

New Detention Centers Being Built Just For Distracted Drivers

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Welcome to our new Detention Facility where you can think long and hard about your distracted driving.

Bismarck, ND – With the huge surge in accidents caused by distracted drivers, lawmakers are responding with a draconian strengthening of punishments for those who choose to endanger others with their irresponsible negligence while behind the wheel of a vehicle.

The new Blacktomb Holding Center will house Level One first-time minor violators who will lose their driver’s licenses for one year while doing community service at either an autobody shop or a hospital, whichever one they hate most.

Level Two violators will be personally escorted to the new Rockwood Correctional Facility where they can do manual labor during the day for five years and spend the evenings watching videos of actual fatal crashes caused by distracted drivers.

Finally, for the Level Three felons who have caused horrific damage, they will have ten years to think about their bad behavior at the new Firevault Max Security Prison where they will be lucky to see the light of day or their families for the next ten years of pure hellaciousness.

Lyan Lochte Falsely Reports That Zika Caused His Hair Color Change

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Lochte’s hair reportedly changed color prematurely after the Zika Virus held a gun to his head while drunk in a gas station bathroom.

Lochte Lomond, CA – Ryan Lochte who first reported that his hair changed color after becoming infected with the Zika Virus now admits that he personally dyed his hair while drunk at a gas station bathroom in Rio.

After sobering up back in the Olympic Village, Lochte’s wallet somehow was found inside his mother’s purse which were both discovered by a security guard at a gas station bathroom in Des Moines, Iowa.

Lochte also confessed to adding toxic green algae to the Olympic diving pool on a dare from his swimmates Jack Congo, Gunner Bends, and Jimmy Fallon.

Subsequent to serving time in a Brazilian prison for conduct unbecoming of an Olympic athlete, Lyan Ryan Lochte plans to permanently move to Brazil since becoming good friends with some of the Brazilian police officers who investigated this truly bizarre case.

New Pizza Business To Specialize In Deliveries To Jails And Prisons

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Here’s your fracking pizza!

Bismarck, ND – A new pizza delivery company will soon be unlocking its doors in North Dakota.

Prison Pizza Pros will specialize in hot deliveries to those who find themselves behind bars.

All pizzas shall be of the “Deep Dish” variety so as to allow contraband to be secretly smuggled into the inmates who requested the hot delivery.

The idea first came to Prison Pizza Pros owner Frankie Siciliani who thought to himself while doing time, “Man, I could sure go for a hot pizza delivery right now, especially one that has a small metal hacksaw inside of it”.

After asking around, Frankie’s feasibility study revealed that most prisoners would certainly be in favor of ordering a hot pizza that had a small metal hacksaw inside of it.

Some of the more popular choices from Prison Pizza Pros are:

The General Population (Large, All Meat Pizza)
The Solitary Confinement (One Topping Pizza)
The Death Row Pizza (Super Spicy Jailapeno Peppers)

Local Art Show To Help Hillary’s Legal Defense Fund

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Local artist Amsterdam Douglass is donating his ‘Pink Daisy’ painting to help Hillary get elected from prison.

Fargo, ND – A new local Fargo art gallery (YOGART Gallery) is having a special art show (Help Hillary Now!) to help raise money for Hillary’s Clinton’s Legal Defense Fund.

Facing a possibly long stay in prison (15 years) for breaking multiple federal laws, Hillary (The Pillary) is going to need a lot of money to not only pay all the expected legal fees but also for needed protection in prison (by Secret Server Agents).

Fargo artist Amsterdam Douglass: “I am donating my ‘Pink Daisy’ painting (worth an estimated $100,000 on eBay) to help get the ball rolling toward being proactively raising funds to help what could be our first-ever female US president to be elected and serve as president, all from the comfortable confines of prison.“