Tag Archives: god

New Church Giving Whole Bottle Of Wine With Communion To Attract New Members

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Each member gets a loaf of bread and a full bottle of wine during communion service.

West Fargo, ND – In an effort to attract and keep new members, the Church Of Bountiful Grace is offering each member a full bottle of wine along with a full loaf of bread at every communion service.

Pastor Loften Wibeto says the Holy Spirits spoke to him with this idea to provide communion participants a full bottle of wine and a warm loaf of bread during each Last Supper, which is celebrated weekly at the Church Of Bountiful Grace.

“In the Book of Psalms, God tells us that wine was created to gladden our hearts,” says Pastor Wibeto as he sips a nice Merlot while writing his next sermon, which is on the subject of spiritual fermentation.

Prayerfully, all of the letters in Loften Wibeto can be re-arranged to spell: Bottle Of Wine!

Profanity OK At Holy Crap Church

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At Holy Crap Church you can swear on a stack of Bibles.

Holyoke, Colorado – At Holy Crap Church, members and guests are encouraged to just be themselves.

If you like to swear a lot, then Holy Crap Church is for you.

The head pastor at Holy Crap Church is Rev. Ralph Coy.

Reverend Ralph believes the Church should accept us for who we are, exactly as is, just like you are when you’re not at Church.

“If profanity is apart of how you express yourself, then that’s fine here,” preaches Pastor Coy.

“Just because you swear your head off at Church doesn’t mean you’re going to hell in a hand basket.”

Ironically, all the letters in Ralph Coy can be re-arranged to spell: Holy Crap!

North Dakota First State To Make Church Attendance Mandatory

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Sunday church attendance is now mandatory in North Dakota just like Obamacare made buying health insurance mandatory.

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota legislature has now made attending church on Sunday required by law.

The bill which passed unanimously will also give a 10% tithe from each church’s offering plates to the state as a thank you kickback for requiring every North Dakota citizen to attend church each and every week.

“We believe this is what the people who sent us here want, and also what God wanted when she said ‘Thou shalt attend church on Sunday’ in that famous speech on the mountain,” says Lester Walstrum from Zap, who co-sponsored the landmark legislation.

This new law goes into effect today so if you’re a North Dakota resident, you might want to change your plans of going fishing or having family breakfast at Denny’s until after you’ve done your due diligence and attended church and also put your voluntary mandatory offering in the offering plate, so help you God.

God: ObamaCare Disrupting My Plan

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jesus-tearHeaven, Planet Earth—Since the 44th President of these United States invented a way for people who couldn’t afford or were denied health insurance benefits to affordably obtain health insurance benefits, the Great And Omnipotent One has taken notice. God, in all his Power and Glory, voiced his mighty concern over what He feels people are using to cheat His system:

“AS I’VE BRAINWASHED YOU ALL TO BELIEVE, YOU ARE ALL PART OF GOD’S PLAN. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. A TWISTER DECIMATED YOUR HOME FOR A REASON. YOU’RE WELCOME. YOUR 4-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER AMANDA CONTRACTED LEUKEMIA FOR A REASON. YOU’RE WELCOME. BUT NOW, WITH YOUR TIMELY ACQUISITION OF HEALTH INSURANCE VIA OBAMACARE, LITTLE AMANDA’S PRE-EXISTING CONDITION WON’T GO UNTREATED AND SHE MAY ACTUALLY LIVE. THIS IS ONE OF MANY UNFORTUNATE INSTANCES IN WHICH MY GRAND DESIGN FOR A HUMAN LIFE HAS BECOME GREATLY DISRUPTED. SAAAAD PAAANDA.”

Prior to the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, Amanda’s parents would have been denied health insurance due largely in part to Amanda contracting leukemia before her family obtained coverage. Now, under these new laws, Amanda and her parents can go to battle against a life-threatening illness and not become homeless and/or bankrupt as a result.

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

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Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Below are very important questions everyone should consider asking before joining a religion.

 

Are there unicorns?

Are there dragons?

Will you rape me of my money?

Will you rape me?

Will you rape my children?

Do you think for me or do I think for myself?

Is it ok to pass gas in a church pew?

Are gays your sworn enemy?  If so, would you go to war against them?  What weapons would you use?

Do I get superpowers?

Is touching a woman’s or man’s arm considered sex?

Are animals considered robots?

Do you believe in modern medicine or are you miracle healers?

Are there free donuts available after we congregate?

Do you wear special underwear?

Do you pray to god or use some type of electronic device like a cellphone?

Do you perform mating rituals?

Do I have to give you my belongings?

What date do you consider the end coming?

If Jessica Biel became a zombie and tried to bite you, would you let her get a little tongue action in before you blew her head off?

How many followers does your religion’s twitter feed currently have?

How many times did the Bible’s writers misuse the words ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ before you guys edited it?

If your religion could have a mascot, what would it be?

What is the outside food/beverage policy during worship?

I have an aversion to needles. Will you be administering heroin or any other harmful drugs during bloody sacrifice? (hopefully only applies to Satanism)

True or false: If you keep all the hair trimmings from every haircut you’ve ever had, you would have enough to construct a life-size hair twin?

Where we’re going, will we need roads or no?

Why didn’t Jesus have a wife and kids?

 

 

Update:  A priest responds