Category Archives: Local

Not Giving A Fuck

Local Middle Aged Man Just Stops Giving A Fuck

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Not Giving A FuckFargo, ND – “Hi, I’d like to buy a pair of fucks, please.” “Sorry. Fresh out, bitch.”

A local middle aged Fargo man has been found to have stopped giving a fuck.  The reason behind such a decision is still a complete mystery.  However, due to the FM Observer’s top notch reporting efforts, I was able to not only find this unique man but speak with him as well.

Rodger is a middle aged man from Fargo, ND.  He has two children and a wife.  He seems to be happy and positive.  Full of life.  He still is today but even more so after he just stopped giving a fuck.  See, Rodger says he woke up one morning and wondered why he gave a fuck.  That day he wore his pajamas all day and it all made sense. “I’m not going to give a fuck anymore” he thought.

“What else were you thinking during this time?” I asked.

“Well, it all just came to me pretty quick.  For one I realized I could die at any fucking time.  Then I realized how many douchebags there are everywhere I look.  Ya know?  I mean, then I looked at gas prices, listened to some psycho politicians on the tv and radio, and also thought about how everyone else thinks they know what’s better for you even though they don’t have a damn clue what they are talking about, it got me thinking.  I’m sitting here wondering why I give a fuck about getting raped in the ass everyday by everyone else.  It’s a losing battle, so why give a fuck?  My ass is going to hurt regardless if I care or not.”

“Today Bill, is the day I don’t give a fuck!  It’s glorious! I pissed on the floor by the toilet a little bit today.  Didn’t clean it up.  Why?  Cause I don’t give a fuck.  A grammar nazi corrected my ‘imperfect’ grammar today.  I told him I didn’t give a fuck and slapped him across the face.  Punched a very ugly baby that wouldn’t stop crying.  It totally shut him up.  Didn’t give a fuck.  Rode my bike in normal traffic and at my own pace.  Didn’t give a fuck.  Took a shower nude outside with the hose.  Neighbors were around but I didn’t give a fuck.”

“Not giving a fuck is a good lifestyle choice for me Bill and I’m sticking to it.”

Roger is an interesting case.  Maybe we should follow the ‘not give a fuck’ strategy of Rogers as it seems to be working well for him.

After interviewing Roger, I saw him walking away with a beer in hand, skipping, and yelling out “fuck yea” across traffic.  Said he was going to go take a dump at the closest government building and not in the bathroom.

We wish him well!

Timberlake Concert Cancelled, Replaced By Barrel O’ Monkeys

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Tickets too expensive!

Tickets too expensive!

Fargo, ND – The much-anticipated Justin Timberlake concert that was to be held in Fargo in February 2014 has been cancelled due to high ticket prices. Fargodome officials are planning on making the announcement later this week.

The concert, which was to happen on February 7, 2014 at first seemed like a great fit for the Fargo-Moorhead area. “Since most friendly folks here have televisions, they’ve seen Justin Timberlake on various broadcast shows such as Saturday Night Live and feel like they know the guy.” said Greg Chambers of the Fargodome staff.

“When it was announced that the ticket prices were going to cost upwards of $800 per person, our jaws dropped to the floor as our eyes began filling with water. We knew this was going to be a big problem.”

Since North Dakotans are used to paying less than $75 per ticket to see a good performance, they knew a “Plan B” would need to be quickly devised. After much behind-the-curtains scrambling to find a replacement for the Justin Timberlake concert, a suitable alternative has now been found.

Barrel of monkeys

Barrel of monkeys

Miss Wenhoi Gao from Vietnam and her travelling Barrel of Monkeys will be entertaining the crowd on that night. Her agent and husband, Mr. Gao,  commented that “these monkeys very very funny and fun to watch! Miss Gao train monkeys to do many tricks and stunts, whole family will like, you buy ticket and come see!”

Tickets for this great event will be $5 for children, $10 for seasoned citizens, and $15 for adults. Mr. Chambers feels that these prices are much more in-line with the pocketbooks of people from this region. “Would you rather have a few people paying $800 to hear some silly songs or have the Fargodome completely full of people who get to see some monkeys do their thing for an average of $10 per ticket?”

Fargo Man Arrested for Marijuana Instead of Concealed Deadly Weapon

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420timeshandcuffs_weed_small11Fargo, ND—The Observer has learned that a Fargo man was caught in possession of marijuana and a concealed weapon last night. Kenneth Noisewater was pulled over for running a red light on south University drive at about 9:45, according to a police report.

The officer noticed the odor of what he suspected was marijuana (a relatively harmless-but-illegal weed) and ordered a search of the vehicle. The vehicle search revealed a baggie containing marijuana, (a plant that, if smoked, gets you kind of high but has never ever killed anybody but can get you into a lifetime of trouble with the law, your family and your employer or future employer if you are caught in possession of it) a misdemeanor offense and a 9mm semi-automatic handgun (a highly dangerous weapon, responsible for literally thousands of violent deaths per year which is totally legal to carry if you have a permit).

The officer was then able to arrest Kenneth for possession of marijuana (a drug that Kenneth and millions upon millions of other humans use to feel good, relax, even relieve chronic pain and again, is responsible for ZERO deaths. A person could argue that a concealed handgun is 10x more dangerous than a concealed sack of hippie lettuce and that person would be correct 100% of the time) but there were no charges filed for the licensed 9mm handgun (a brutal instrument manufactured specifically for the purpose of inflicting severe physical harm, most often resulting in death. If a criminal were to hold a loaded gun in one hand and a loaded ganja pipe in the other, i’m guessing he could do far more damage with the gun than the pot but please, let me know if you ever see a masked man use a loaded water bong to rob a 7-11 and I will gladly retract that statement).

Law enforcement proudly removed another bag of grass from the streets while the deadly weapon remained in circulation.

Time Traveler To Speak In Fargo 14 Months Ago

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Who am I?

What year is it?

Fargo, ND – Time traveler Vern Milton will be giving a talk on time travel on Wednesday, November 21, 2012. This informal gathering in the NDSU Student Union lounge will be Vern’s personal thoughts on what it’s like to be a bona fide time traveler. His must-hear lecture will then be followed by an extensive Question & Answer period. Free hot coffee and powdered donuts will be served by the Physics Department.

If you have any questions for Mr. Milton about time travel, please be sure to jot them down and attend this special happening. Vern said that he did the same event, at the same venue, back in 1956 and 1975 where he had good exchanges of thoughts on this subject with some very interested students from the region. He admitted: “The people I spoke with in 1975 were quite a bit more open-minded about time traveling than back in ’56.”

Since he has seen it all before, here are some of the questions Vern answered back during his previous visits to Fargo:

Q: Being a time traveler, do you have any words of wisdom for us?
A: Yes. If you have something you need to get done, don’t wait until tomorrow to do it.

Q: Are you married, and if so, how does your wife feel about all this?
A: Well, I’ve gotten married a number of times…all to the same woman. She always seems happy to see me again.

Q: Do you have any control over your time travel?
A: About as much control as you do over the stock market.

Q: Can you tell us anything about the future?
A: No, not much, because that might alter the future. But I can tell you that North Dakota continues to do very well!

Gym Guy Provides Unsolicited Advice On Topic Unrelated to Weightlifting

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gym-guyFargo, ND—A patron at the local YMCA is a confused mess after being approached by a gym regular. Mike Worley was just sitting there rocking some lat pulldowns when one of the meatheads sauntered towards him.

“Oh boy, here he comes to tell me my form is all screwed up”, Mike recalled. “I had two reps left and this guy started talking to me.”

Mike dropped his lat pulldown bar and let out an exasperated sigh as soon as gym guy walked up. “I was about to start telling him ‘yeah, I know, i’ll work on it’ but that didn’t exactly fit in with what gym guy was telling me.” As it turns out, Mike was getting unsolicited advice about life:

“Take your grandma for a walk. Play some cards with her. Have coffee. Spend some time with her for christ’s sake, brah.”

Gym guy was handing out useful, pertinent advice. Advice that left Mike completely baffled. “He must’ve lost someone near and dear to him, because he approached me mid-set and started telling me to call my Grandma.”

Fargo Man Dials 911 Over Earbuds Mishap

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FUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!

NOOOOOOO!!!

Fargo, ND—Those earbuds with the rubbery coating that come prepackaged with every iPhone or iPod. The ones that, once they get tangled, you suddenly need to manifest surgical precision and years of boy scout knot-knowledge to get them undone? Yeah, those. Those are the ones that took Scott Phillips down.

Phillips had an appointment to visit his personal trainer at the local fitness center. He was pressed for time. “I never run treadmill without my jogging playlist,” he said. Phillips went through his mental checklist of items. Gym bag, protein shake, iPhone. But when he finally reached into the coat pocket where he left his earbuds, his heart sank.

“The Earbud Gnomes were out to get me,” Phillips recalled. From inside his pocket he revealed what looked like a giant white hairball. He began pounding and cursing his way through the wretched maze of unforgiving synthetic wire.

“There were unseen forces at play there, i’m sure of it,” Phillips remembered. He had waged war on the earbuds many times before, but that day the Earbud Gnomes were playing for keeps. Scott knitted and weaved his way through the headphone labyrinth at a frenetic pace until he realized he’d gone too far: his left index finger was tied up, stuck and starting to turn blue.

Jaws of Life

Jaws of Life

Exasperated beyond belief and facing critical danger, Scott needed to act quickly. He ripped and pulled at the earbuds, but that only made it worse. He was left with no choice. He had to call 911.

When the fire department arrived, they reacted quickly in an effort to save his digit. The crew immediately called for the Jaws of Life to release Scott from the hand prison. The Jaws sliced away the messy entanglement and freed Scott’s hand just in time.

Scott calls the incident both harrowing and life-changing. “If you don’t have a few hours to sit down and meticulously pick your way through an iPhone earbud entanglement, don’t bother,” he said. “Throw them away and buy a new pair for $150 or whatever absurd price they make you pay. Trying to untangle them yourself is absolutely not worth the risk.”

Gary Clark Dancing With The Stars West Fargo

Gary Clark To Be On The Next Season Of Dancing With The Stars

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Gary Clark Dancing With The Stars West FargoWest Fargo, ND – In October 2012, Gary Clark made the decision to follow his heart and stepped down as the West Fargo High School principal to pursue his river dancing career.

Read the story here.

Since then, Gary Clark has been traveling around the world blowing audiences’ minds with his unique and remarkable river dancing talents.

Those talents have paid off as Mr. Clark has been chosen to be on season 17 of Dancing With The Stars.  It is a remarkable accomplishment as Mr. Clark is the first river dancer to ever be featured on the show.  He is also the first contestant from the city of Fargo.

 

“I’m excited to show the world what river dancers are capable of.  I’m not all about tapping my feet.  I can move like a swift gazelle!”

Gary Clark has recently completed the U.S. Riverdance Tour and has been teaching private and party lessons since the tour ended.

“There is no downtime for me.  I have so much energy!  My dance students will miss me while I’m off doing the show but they will be ok.  I’m coming home with a win!”

As with his river dancing, we can surely expect Gary Clark to take the Dancing With The Stars stage by storm.  He is at the top of the talent crop.

Gary Clark promises to represent Fargo with pride.

Semi Loses Control On I-94 In West Fargo

Semi Loses Control On I-94 In West Fargo

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Semi Loses Control On I-94 In West FargoWest Fargo, ND – After 12:30 yesterday afternoon, a semi heading west on 1-94 was exiting the West Fargo exit ramp when it rolled.

Police are still investigating what happened but would like to note that the semi did indeed somehow roll.  Thankfully the driver wasn’t left at the wreck but was taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries.

The driver was likely going from Point A to Point B.  My best bet would be he lost of control of the semi which made it roll.  Sadly, the semi was most likely not a Transformer.  A Transformer would be able to transition into it’s robot self before sustaining any damage in a measly rollover.

As of today, no Transformers have been located in Fargo.  We are glad the driver has non-life threatening injuries and wish him a speedy recovery.

Fargo Man Forgot How to Golf, It’s Been So Long

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2011-05-07_1512Fargo, ND—The F-M area has finally broken through to springtime after enduring the longest extended winter in its storied history. The cold is on its way out and the golf clubs are too.

Now that most of the icy cobwebs have finally melted into nothing, many of our local golf courses have opened their grounds.

This comes as good news to Chrot Hicks, if only he could understand why. It seems that once upon a time in a past life, Hicks occupied this vast acreage of mowed green grass. The ancient sport of golf was played.

“If I can properly recall…I used to use something called a ‘putter’ and tap a small white orb into an equally small hole in the ground. To the best of my knowledge, that was how I did golf.”

Hicks went on to explain how he couldn’t remember what he did with his “putter” or the rest of his metal hitting sticks he used to play with on the course. He suspects that they disintegrated into nothingness due to the scientific process of sublimation that occurs to solids over very, very long periods of time.

Fargo, West Fargo, Moorhead Cleanup Week

Fargo, West Fargo, and Moorhead Cleanup Week Postponed Until 2020

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Fargo, West Fargo, Moorhead Cleanup WeekWest Fargo, ND – Every year in May, Fargo, West Fargo, and Moorhead conduct their yearly cleanup week where people may throw out their hordes of crap.  Not this year.

This year you will have to hold onto your complete and utter crap for another……………7 years.  All three cities has postponed cleanup week until the year 2020.

 

City officials expect the weather  to be utter crap for the next 7 years and would like to plan ahead.  They anticipate they will be busy with other responsibilities such as flooding, snow blizzards in July, the abominable snowman, and potholes.