Category Archives: News

Fargo Inmate To Represent North Dakota In National Scared Straight Competition

Leave a reply

Inmate Postulates Proposed Pisspants Pennant

scared

#04627 dispensing the fear

Fargo, ND—Cass County Jail inmate #04627 has been chosen to represent North Dakota in this year’s Scared Straight International Competition being held at Idaho State Penitentiary this coming May.

Scared Straight International™ will be staging its yearly tournament Saturday, May 24th in which a chosen convict from each of the 50 states competes to scare the pp out of a very unlucky flock of hand-picked juvenile offenders.

The inmate who causes the most pisspants, wins. Texas State Prison repeat offender #55096-874 is last year’s reigning champion and will prove a worthy adversary to #04627 who was selected from a long list of area intimidators to attend this year’s tournament. He couldn’t be more enraged.

Presenter Zay atTexas Prison Museum 200x250

Returning champion #55096-874

“To represent my state in a national screaming competition such as this has been a furious dream of mine,” 04627 said, angrily. “Scaring the sweat out of waterbelly teens has been my life’s passion ever since sentencing. Facing down pisspants juveniles on behalf of my state in a national scaring competition is literally the top of the mountain for me. This is a big moment.”

Experts are saying that if #04627 can exert a consistent 3-out-of-5 pisspants ratio, he has a shot at taking home the Scared Straight Tournament crown.

Good luck, #04627!

Fargo Invaders Football Team

Bill Burns Makes The Fargo Invaders Team

Leave a reply
Fargo Invaders Football Team

Follow the arrows and see Bill Burns at practice.

 

Fargo, ND – After an exhausting 2 weeks of waiting, the wait is finally over. Bill Burns has received word via postal mail that he did indeed make the Fargo Invaders football team. As you can see from the picture above, he was pictured practicing which confirms the rumors.  He can be seen working very hard.

It is not sure exactly what position Bill will be playing.  Coach stated that Bill is very useful and could prove helpful on and definitely off the field.  Activities such as making sure everyone has their underwear washed, bathroom cleaning, water boy etc etc are all positions we may see Bill play.

Bill is very versatile.

He can attack off field duties without a hiccup.  On-field he is a force to be reckoned with.  Maybe we will see him as second string punter or 4th string safety.

Just last week Bill sat in the same spot on the bench long enough to warm up that bench position spot to a toasty 70 degrees.  He did this to make sure the quarterback had a warm place to sit when off the field.  Now does that sound like a MVP or what?

Keep an eye on Bill Burns.  We can see records being broken first game.  Records all shattered by Bill Burns.

Rust Bucket Becomes FMO’s New Corporate Vehicle

1 Reply
here

The FM Observer unveils its new armored vehicle.

Fargo, ND – Since the FM Observer recently went public with its IPO, we made another important executive decision: to purchase our official corporate vehicle.

Consider this post as the unveiling of our new FM Observer-mobile. It may look like a RustBucket to some, but believe us when we say it is a veritable fortress on wheels. We call it “The Tank”.

But don’t think we bought it for our own pleasure and aggrandizement. We bought it for YOU! So that we can better serve YOU, our faithful readers.

Yes, The Tank will certainly help us get from Point A to Point B, but Point B might just be your front door. Now, if there’s a hot story in your neck of the woods that you want us to cover, just give us a call and watch for The Tank to show up.

Now, if we’re under fire from certain questionable articles we’ve written, look for us to be hiding out In The Tank. And we’re not just doing it for our own personal protection. No, we’re doing it for YOU, so that we can survive, to live another day, in order to bring YOU more important articles about the issues that YOU believe in.

(But if as a bonus, The Tank turns out to be a majorly fun Party Barge, that would obviously be some sweet icing on the cake, and we would not have a problem with that.)

Fargo Group Making Serious Run At Perfect March Madness Bracket

Leave a reply
officesetup

Bracket Central

Fargo, ND—Basketball fans have been guessing the March Madness tournament for decades. Every year, it seems, contestant stakes have been getting higher and higher. Cash prizes as well as bragging rights are among the available rewards for having the most accurate prediction.

The odds of you picking every single game correctly are roughly four trillion to one. Local March Madman Ryan Noisewater wants badly to destroy these odds. He’s crafted a master plan to win.

Hours before all the bracket challenges went live we spoke with Ryan to find out just what it takes to nail the perfect bracket.

“My hand-picked Bracket Posse spent the winter creating throw-away email accounts that can be used multiple times for any and every bracket challenge on the planet,” Ryan says. “We’re armed with two computers per guy–one ergonomic mouse for each arm and each machine has multiple monitors and replacement hardware on-site in case of computer malfunction. We run equipped with eighteen crates of Mountain Dew, prepaid masseuses, bedpans, and very limited basketball knowledge. We are ready.”

Ryan says he’s taken every factor into account during clinical trials he and his crew ran during the NCAA offseason. “We experimented with bracket completion possibility throughput via time-tested computer algorithms; how many left-clicks one hand can complete in a given second and how many seconds it takes to open an account and complete a bracket,” he explained. “This is how we’re cramming as many brackets as humanly possible into the system. I’ve also developed a simple equation in which you memorize a sequence of numbers (according to seed) and pick your teams in such a way that none of the brackets my team generates in the time allotted will be the same. One guy works with this set of numbers, the other guy works with that set of numbers. One of our brackets is bound to hit.”

By now, Ryan and his bracket posse should be hard at work clicking numbers and sucking down Dew in an effort to claim their trophy.

Alarmists Say Rising Spring Temps Evidence Of Global Warming

1 Reply
Temperatures are on the rise due to Spring global warming.

Temperatures are on the rise due to Spring global warming.

Globe Village, MA – Global Warmers are pointing to rising temperatures in the northern hemisphere as proof positive of deadly Global Warming.

What about the southern hemisphere?

Dr. Julian Zellus of the Global Warming Alarm Centre (GWAC) answers: “No, we are only talking about above the equator, for now. And what we are seeing is a rapid increase in average temperatures. We believe this is quite indicative of a very serious Global Warming problem caused by a build-up of toxic carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”

Unverified statistics coming out of GWAC show there can be no denying that temperatures are on the rise. Numbers strongly indicate that after a record cold winter, the average temperatures across the country are shooting up an astounding 20-30 degrees in just one month. Dr. Zellus nervously suspects: “As the snow melts due to sudden rising temperatures, water levels will begin to rise in lakes and oceans, just as we’ve been predicting.”

What can be done to stop the pending total destruction of the world?

The Global Warming Alarm Centre is pushing for the creation of a hefty new world-wide Global Warming tax. All proceeds from this tax would go directly to GWAC to study this critical problem. But first, they would have to build their posh new Super Center Alarm Megaplex (or SCAM) which will have its own private airport: The Albert Gore Jr. International Global Warming Airport.

New York Sinkhole Continues To Swallow Victims

Leave a reply
"Sinkhole to Hell" has a voracious appetite.

“Sinkhole to Hell” has a voracious appetite.

New York, NY – It started out as just a small pothole. Then it became a bigger pothole. Then it became one of the seven great wonders of New York.

A sinkhole the size of a New York intersection opened up in midtown Manhattan. Some call it the Hole To Hell. Some call it a death trap.

Rocco Pisano, who is in charge of Street Maintenance for the City of New York says: “Forget about it. We might just have to live with it.”

Nobody knows exactly how deep the sinkhole goes or how they would go about trying to fill it. Respected sinkhole expert Dr. Dennis Joska explains that “some of these stinkin’ holes can go down a frickin’ mile, and they really piss me off.”

In the meantime, New York shoppers and commuters (and taxi cab drivers) will have to steer clear of this deep problem. Rocco admits: “We don’t know zactly how many people or cars have been swallowed up by this monster of a hole. But we do know that more and more people go missing everyday!”

Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games

Leave a reply
caption here

After he bowled a perfect 300 game, he went ahead and did it again!

Fargo, ND – You would have had to see it to believe it. Mr. Walter Lane of rural North Dakota bowled two perfect games in a row after entering a tournament on a dare.

His wife of fifty years, Edna Lane, dared him on a whim, to enter an upcoming bowling tournament “just for the heck of it”.

Of course neither Walter nor Edna expected much from it because Walter has been legally blind ever since Edna dared him to stare at the sun some years back. About that, Walter explains: “Well, I s’pose I shouldn’t have done it, but after she dared me, I went ahead and did it anyways. Wasn’t too smart, I guess.”

In spite of being blind, Walter somehow put together two perfect games of bowling. Bowling alley manager and retired bowling professsional Jim St. John recounts: “After throwing 12 straight strikes for the first 300 game, Walter proceeded to do the exact same thing again for his second perfect game. I could not believe my eyes!”

Asked what he plans on trying next, Walter responded: “I think we’ll give trap shooting a go, don’t cha know.”

New Crest Brownstrips Promise “Authentic British Smile”

Leave a reply
caption here

Fee, Fie, Foe, Fum, I want the smile of an Englishman!

Cincinnati, OH – As fans of Downton Abbey will tell you, Americans can’t get enough of the Brits these days.  It seems our country has fallen hard for all things English.  From their pompous literary intellect to their notoriously bad teeth, we’re in love.  And in America, where there’s love, there’s….you guessed it: a huge corporation looking for a cash cow.

Procter & Gamble hopes to have found just that with its newest product, Crest Brownstrips.  Similar to its popular Whitestrips, Crest’s Brownstrips offer customers a whole new experience in what marketers are calling “customized enamel expression”.  Instead of whitening the teeth, Crest Brownstrips are designed to give the user’s smile a more British look by “antiquing” the enamel to a yellowish-brown color in just two weeks.  “You’ll see some flecks of gray mixed in with the ochre tones,” says product designer, Jillian Stanes.  “We’ve even included a unique blend of botanicals which will give the teeth a sort of gummy look as opposed to the clean, smooth appearance that comes with good dental hygiene.  It’s super realistic looking.”

P&G CEO, Oliver Lemmon, explains, “The dental customer today is searching for an individualized mouth appearance which reflects his interests and beliefs.  A stained, gnarly smile says ‘I’m bonkers for Brits’ in a totally unique way.  Crest is committed to meeting our customers’ needs, and according to our attorneys, we should be OK doing that with Brownstrips.”

A source inside Crest labs reports that its chemists are working around the clock to create a rainbow of other Strip options.  Rumored shades include Avatar Blue, Glow-in-the-dark Neon, Hannibal Lecter Red, and Meth Mouth Medley.  “We think Crest Brownstrips are the beginning of something really special,” says Lemmon.  “One day soon, you’ll be able to just open your mouth and let people know who you are without the hassle of speaking.  According to our attorneys, we should be OK saying we think that’s pretty neat.”

FM Observer Goes Corporate With Initial Public Offering

Leave a reply
caption here

Buy FMO low, sell high. Then move to Hawaii.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is taking its paper to Wall Street. FM Observer (FMO) stock is slated to open at $3.141559265359/share next week. Here’s a Q&A the FM Observer did with Nick Hirchert about the upcoming IPO and how he plans to use it to get us all rich as hell.

FMO: Nick, can I call you Nick?
Nick: No, you may not.

FMO: Nick, is it true that FMO is going public?
Nick:  It is! We are taking the Observer to Wall street with our Initial Public Offering.

FMO: How exciting is this for you?
Nick:  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most excited? We want to be rich like Doc Brown from Back to the Future so we can travel into the future & do a bunch of articles about stuff that hasn’t yet happened. Then we can retire forever.

FMO: Do you plan on donating all your profits to charity?
Nick:  We will assign one charity per future-article. Each article that gets future-posted will hopefully generate enough stock dividends to fulfill the financial needs of its respective charity until the end of time.

label_typewriter_fmo1

FMO: Will you have a board of directors?
Nick:  Yes. I have appointed a board of directors.

FMO: Are any women or minorities possibly going to be on the board? Any midgets?
Nick:  The FMO Board of Directors is comprised of memes. Fictitious characters. Among them are: Douchebag Lumbergh, What if I Told You Morpheus and Conspiracy Keanu.

FMO: Where will your corporate headquarters be located?
Nick:  Corporate Headquarters is located in West Fargo, just off of I-94 near Sheyenne Street.

label_currency_fmo1

FMO: How rich do you see yourself becoming?
Nick:  Wealthy enough to fly a Delorean into the year 2050 to compose 10,000 articles while aging in reverse as time counts backwards to 2014. You see, when you travel through time, you age substantially, directly proportional to the amount of years through which you travel. Ergo, concurrently, from the minute you arrive into your future year, you immediately begin de-aging as time simultaneously regresses into your initial host year. Vis-a-vis, concurrently, returning back from whence you came with the same eyeballs and hairline, but unfortunately, a completely different space time continuum.

label_courier_shadow_fmo1

FMO: With all due respect, do you believe there’s enough pent-up demand for FMO stock to affect the earnings per share ratio?
Nick:  America is full of pent-up demand. Have you seen the comments sections of various other websites? Absolutely riddled with pent-up demand.

FMO: For stocks in general, do you agree that a double bottom’s pivot is usually the same price at the middle peak?
Nick:  Yes. If you turn on your pivot foot down low for a jump shot, release the ball at your jump’s peak.

FMO: No need to get snippy. Are you dog friendly?
Nick:  Quite.

FMO: Quite yes, or quite no?
Nick:  I happen to live with movie star Daniel Day-Lewis. He is currently in full character as a method actor for his next movie in which he plays a dog.

FMO: C’mon. Don’t bullshit me. Would you describe yourself as half empty or half full?
Nick:  My body is 75% water, 5% bonehead and 20% baloney.

label_trekclassic_fmo1

FMO: Where do you see yourself in 100 years?
Nick:  As time travel proliferates and the proportions of aging and de-aging become limitless, I truly have no earthly idea.

FMO: Thank you for granting us this frank interview. Any final thoughts that you’d like to share with us?
Nick:  Yes. In the year 2193, there is a great disruption in the 17th Matrix. One of you brings a fully-cooked Hot Pocket through an equilateral time vortex, causing an irreparable tear in the Matrix and a critical disruption in the space time continuum. So please, stop buying Hot Pockets for Pete’s sake.

FDA Issues Recall of 20 Million Spoiled Rotten Children

Leave a reply
caption here

Warning: Spoiled brats hazardous to your health.

Washington, DC – In an unprecedented move, the Food and Drug Administration has issued a recall of what experts are calling the most toxic substance in America: its own spoiled rotten children.  While these whining brats have long been known to cause a variety of symptoms ranging from mild irritation to severe psychosis, emerging science indicates the problem is far more serious than previously thought.

In a statement released to the media, FDA spokesperson, Harold Schwartz said, “This recall is absolutely essential in order to protect the public from the damaging effects of spoiled rotten child exposure.  The soccer mom in Connecticut who had a stroke buying 17 tiaras at Baby Versace was just the tip of the iceberg.  Without drastic intervention, our models predict that human suffering in our country will reach epic proportions by 2020.  The carnage will be devastating, especially in the suburbs.”

Data indicates that spoiled rotten children are now the number one contributing factor in the overall decline of American health.  Noted endocrinologist, Dr. Ewan Meeman, explains, “We estimate that the body’s inflammatory response to such children is 100 times stronger than to a rattlesnake bite.  With regards to toxicity, you’d be better off chugging Drano right out of the bottle than spending five minutes in a room with one of these death traps.”

When asked about how the FDA plans to handle 20 million recalled children, Mr. Schwartz admitted, “Well, the committee that was working to tackle that issue has been, ahem, released from duty.  I’ll be honest, some of the ‘disciplinary procedures’ they came up with were a little unprofessional.  Ok, for real, they were downright disturbing.”

To protect yourself, the FDA recommends avoiding schools, parks, malls, long plane rides and any restaurants that offer childrens’ menus.  In addition, they strongly urge all Americans to refrain from visiting Disney theme parks until further notice.