Category Archives: News

McDonald’s To Introduce Two New Sandwiches

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McDonald's new McHorse and McPony sandwiches

McDonald’s new McHorse and McPony sandwiches

Oak Brook, IL – Ronald McDonald is excited to announce the addition of two new meat sandwiches to their international chain restaurant McMenu.

The McDonald’s Corporation will soon be unveiling the McHorse sandwich, for people who are “so hungry they could eat a horse”.

Hungry children will have a chance to pony up with the new McPony sandwich.

The larger McHorse sandwich will cost $3.99 while the smaller McPony sandwich will be marketed on the popular Dollar Menu*.

McDonald’s is trying to take the lead in providing high-quality processed horse meat – an idea they got from the British.

Ronald McDonald claims that their new sandwiches will be at least 50% actual processed horse (or pony) meat and less than 20% crushed bone.

In addition, “attractive and interactive” new McPetting Zoos will be replacing most of the out-dated McPlayLands.

“Kids just don’t like playing on large boring plastic equipment anymore.” says Jonita McJammer, one of Ronald’s many corporate assistants. “But put a live McBunny in their lap, and let the magic begin!”

*The McPony sandwich will also be available in Happy Meals, along with four different McPony toys. Collect all four of them! Their names are: McTibbets, McPerky, McRangler, and McPaco. 

Area Wife Elated After Leaky Faucet Turns Into Entire Bathroom Remodel

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CRAP.

CRAP.

Moorhead, MN—Local woman and homeowner Cynthia Noisewater couldn’t be happier today after what appeared to be nothing more than a drippy bathroom faucet snowballed into a “full teardown and rebuild” of her master bathroom, sources confirmed Wednesday night.

Cynthia notified her husband Kenneth about the dripping she heard the evening of December 17th. Upon investigating the leak yesterday, Kenneth ended up having to remove the entire sink to discover the problem.

“Well, now that we have the whole frickin’ sink torn apart, I spose we better do the cabinets above and below, too,” Kenneth grumbled. “Since we’re here doing it and all, I mean, I guess it makes sense,” he added.

Cynthia could not be more pleased. “I’ve been getting after him about this old, outdated porcelain sink, clanky steel cabinetry and faucet that squeals every time you turn the cold water nozzle,” Cynthia explained. “Now that Ken FINALLY has it torn out, it looks like we’re joining the 21st century with a newly-remodeled master bath!”

FM Observer Invites Russians To Bookmark Our Website

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The FM Observer reaches out to Mother Russia.

The FM Observer reaches out to Mother Russia.

Dear People Of Mother Russia: Дорогие люди России-матушки:

We are your friends. Мы ваши друзья.

We mean you no harm. Мы не причиним вам никакого вреда.

We come in peace and have vodka. Мы пришли с миром и есть водку.

Since Putin has shutdown your state media, we invite you to save our website in your list of favorites. Поскольку Путин имеет выключение государственные СМИ, мы приглашаем вас, чтобы спасти наш сайт в свой ​​список фаворитов.

Our website, the FM Observer, can provide you an excellent source of news from around the world. Наш сайт, FM-наблюдатель, может обеспечить вам отличный источник новостей со всего мира.

The FM stands for Fargo Moorhead. FM выступает за Fargo Moorhead.

We call our website the Observer because we observe people at grocery stores and fitness centers and in parking lots. Мы называем наш сайт по наблюдению, поскольку мы наблюдаем людей в продуктовых магазинах и фитнес-центров и на парковках.

We are decent people who like a good time. Мы порядочные люди, которые любят хорошо провести время.

We can also hopefully make you laugh during the long cold Russian winter. Мы можем также, надеюсь, заставит вас смеяться в течение долгой холодной русской зимы.

We also like to drink vodka and sing songs. Мы также хотели пить водку и петь песни.

Some of us have large vegetable gardens. Некоторые из нас имеют большие огороды.

Some men here like to dress up as women. Некоторые мужчины здесь любят наряжаться, как женщины.

Sometimes when other drivers cut in front of us, we experience Road Rage. Иногда, когда другие водители сократить перед нами, мы испытываем Road Rage.

We are just like you except different. Мы, как и вы, за исключением по-другому.

We want you to like us on Facebook. Мы хотим, чтобы вы были бы мы на Facebook.

If you need anything from the American people, contact Secretary John Kerry. Если вам нужно что-нибудь от американского народа, свяжитесь секретаря Джона Керри.

kanye west white tshirt

Kanye West T-Shirt Available Once Again.

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kanye west white tshirt

Bitch, how you not the hobbit again?

A few months back, Kanye west released upon the masses a $120 dollar ‘hip hop’ white t-shirt.  You read that right.  A $120 dollar regular white cotton t-shirt.  If you were planning on trying to stop the planet because you’re done with the ride, now would be the time .  This $120 dollar white t-shirt SOLD OUT immediately.  Yes, stupid people bought this.

It’s been really hard to get your hands on this one of a kind, totally worth it, $120 dollar white cotton t-shirt.  That is, until recently.

The t-shirt is back in stock now but with a twist.  Are you ready to hear this folks?  Probably the best thing you will hear until 2020.  Ok.  Last time.  Are you ready?  You can now buy a $120 DARK NAVY t-shirt!!!!  Yea that’s right.  Starve yourself of food for a couple months so you can go out and buy this one of a kind navy blue t-shirt.

This t-shirt is a genius collaboration between A.P.C and Kanye West.  We can assume the conversation went like this.

Kanye: Yo bitches I got a genius idea, because i’m a genius.  Ok ok.  Get this.  We should sell a white t-shirt!  Nobody has ever done it before! Fuck i’m a genius.  You think i’m a genius?  Yea you know i’m a genius.

APC: You are a true genius nigga.  Let’s get that nigga shit in production right away.  This is fucking genius.  You’re so genius, i’m so genius, we’re just two genius niggas.  I fuck bitches.

You can follow the link to purchase the all mighty, genius, white cotton t-shirt.  Or, if you would like to NOT starve for a couple months, you can go to Target and buy this one for a low low price of $8 dollars.  You decide.

I do think the Kanye West t-shirt is worth it if and only if you buy an affliction t-shirt to wear over it.

You’re a total baller now AND a fucking genius.

One Millionth ObamaCare Signee To Receive Free Healthcare For Life

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YOU might be our one millionth customer!

YOU might be our one millionth customer!

Washington, DC—In an effort to bolster support for his controversial new healthcare system, President Obama announced today that the 1,000,000th Affordable Care Act registrar will be awarded free healthcare for life.

“Unlimited doctor visits, a lifetime of x-rays, more prescription pills than your kidneys and liver can handle. They’ll fill you so full of chemotherapy, it’ll be coming out your eye-holes!” Obama proclaimed during a late-afternoon White House presser.

“The Affordable Care Act is meant to provide low-cost health insurance to many, but our one millionth customer will enjoy free MRIs, CATs, PAPs and EKGs for life,” the President added. “No paying out the ass for premiums and deductibles for one lucky Joe. No crippling debt as a result of too many doctor visits for one lucky dog. So, sign up! Let’s get to one million! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

Obama finished the press conference by throwing a handful of ObamaCare KEEP THIS COUPON tickets into the crowd. Who will be the one millionth signee? Visit www.healthcare.gov to find out more.

Coach Bohl To Become Pastor Bohl

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caption here

The mountains are calling me.

Fargo, ND – The spiritual leader of the champion NDSU Bison is about to trade in his coaching cap for a clerical collar. Coach Craig Bohl has announced he will be packing his bags and moving to Wyoming. He will become the head pastor at Harmony Lutheran Church in Lusk, Wyoming.

The FM Observer asked: “Whyoming?” Pastor Bohl calmly answered: “Because that is where I have been called to serve my higher power. Not to mention, that I have always loved the mountains.”

As the most successful coach in NDSU history, Harmony Lutheran Church can expect that Pastor Bohl will be their most successful minister ever. Church committee members there said they really liked his God-given ability to recruit new church members and bring out the best of everyone’s talents in their church community.

Mr. Jonas Bagley, who headed up their search committee, said that during his interview, Pastor Bohl’s ability to motivationally speak to their hearts about doing the Lord’s work in Wyoming really put him head and shoulders above all the rest of the candidates.

Church treasurer Ms. Connie Francis said she is very excited about what Pastor Bohl’s influence will be upon their upcoming stewardship drive. Their goal is to raise $1.5 million to build a new Sunday School Center and also help translate all their current teaching materials into Spanish.

Jeana marie smart

Jeana Marie Smart Speaks Out

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Jeana marie smart

I was dressed as a pumpkin.

Fargo, ND – Jeana Marie Smart, a Horace woman, was recently charged with felony drug possession for having a broken meth pipe in her vagina.

The story is so bizarre we had to get an interview and an explanation.  There are always two sides to a story so today I had the chance to speak with Jeana in her jail cell.

You may see my interview in its entirety below.

 

 

 

Bill:  Jeana, first, how is your vagina doing?

Jeana:  It’s doing great.  I wiped the blood up and gave it a good wash.  Really got in there this time.

Bill:  So no more pieces of meth pipe in the vag?

Jeana:  None.  At least I think I got all of it.

Bill:  So, everyone wants to know.  Why did you have a broken meth pipe hidden in your piss flaps?

Jeana:  Well the funny thing is, on Halloween, I dressed as a pumpkin on meth.  You can tell by my hair.  I was at a party and you know how those go.  Next thing you know I have a meth pipe in my meat wallet.  I got so drunk that night that I TOTALLY FORGOT about it.  That is, until the police found it.

Bill:  Did you say you’re sorry to your muff?  It must have been quite a traumatic experience for it, don’t you think?

Jeana:  Oh yea.  I’ve apologized over and over again to it.  It’s still ignoring me a little bit but it’s opening up to me slowly.  I just need to give it time.

Bill:  Alright Jeana.  Thank you so much for you time.  Just my advice but try not to stick anything else up there ok?  It needs it’s space.

 

So there you go.  I was able to answer all your questions.  This story is no longer a mystery.  Somehow a meth pipe got put into her vagina on Halloween and she simply forgot about it.  Her defense is most likely to use this story.

OBAMACAR: If You Like Your Car, You Can Keep Your Car

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Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it

Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it…period!

Warshington, DC – President Obama’s new Affordable Car Act (or as many affectionately call it: ‘ObamaCar’) was secretly rammed through Congress by Democrats in the middle of the night, while unsuspecting Republicans were asleep at the wheel.

Then, to sell the flawed plan to the American people, President Obama repeatedly told cheering hand-picked crowds in all the blue states:

“If you like your car, you can keep your car…period!”

“You and your family, yawl can keep your car, if you like it!”

“I guarantee that if you like your car dealership, and you like your car, you will be able to keep them!”

Unfortunately, it is not playing out this way.

Under ObamaCar, millions of Americans who thought that they would be able to keep their cars, are now losing them.

With the ever-expanding government now taking control of all car dealerships, and mandating that Americans purchase a government-approved ObamaCar, automobile prices are now starting to sky rocket (just as Senator Cruz predicted).

Plus, a new round of taxes will kick in right after the elections to help pay for part of the giant new bureaucracy that is being created to run it all.

The Automobile Device Tax will significantly raise taxes on the Middle Class to pay for free ObamaCars to be given to all undocumented Democrats.

You have until the end of February to get rid of your unapproved car and purchase an ObamaCar, or the IRS will be scheduling you and all your relatives for full audits.

President Obama has personally hired an army of ObamaCar Navigators who are paid well to teach you how to “beat the system”. Many of these Navigators are convicted felons. Some of them will soon be getting out of prison and would love to visit your home and get to know you.

To sign up for ObamaCar, you can either use the handy-dandy website: ObamaCar.gov (which is not ready yet), or call a helpful ObamaCar Navigator via the toll-free number: 1-800-SCREW-YOU.

Snoopy Banned From Parade For Using Inhalants

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Snoopy be bad doggy!

Snoopy be bad doggy!

New York, New York – America’s most loved mutt has been banned from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Snoopy has tested positive for using inhalants.

Authorities first suspected the mongrel of inhalant usage after noticing slurred speech, a general dazed appearance, unusual hostility toward others, and rashes around his mouth and nose.

“We are very disappointed in this unfortunate development”, said Webb Eubanks who is essentially the Executive Director for the Big Parade. “In fact, we are disappointed to the point of disbelief.”

Top parade officials admitted that Snoopy was the last celebrity character that they would have thought would use inhalants. SpongeBob, Kermit, or The Smurfs have all had problems with inhalant usage in the past, but they all tested negative.

The investigation is on-going. Charlie Brown’s home is being searched for signs of inhalants since he is the owner of the dog. Linus and Lucy may be included, as they have each gone through detox within the past year.

In an effort to deter youngsters from using inhalants, it should be noted that one of the possible long-term effects from using inhalants is: death.