Olympic Shame! Live Raping In Front of Large Audience!

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London – The Olympics is a sports tradition that dates back thousands of years.  It’s a great honor to be a part of.  That is, unless you are getting raped in front of a large audience.

That’s exactly what happened during an olympic wrasling match this past weekend.  The audience disgustingly just sat there, watched, and did NOTHING!  Nobody stepped forward to help these poor men.

It all started when the red guy started raping the blue guy as you can see below.  You can see the blue guy disoriented and in pain.  Struggling to free himself from the man on top trying to get into his manhole.

That’s not it however.  The blue guy gets his attacker off of his bum and in a weird and shocking turn of events, starts raping the red guy!  Was it revenge or was he turned on by being raped?  We will never know but he can be seen putting the heat on the red guy hard.

After the match, they were both seen weeping in their locker rooms.  The Olympic Committee will review these events and see if they will press charges.

In the announcers own words, “He was beaten up, battered…”  That he was.  That he was.

Area Homeless Angry Over Mars Rover Landing

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Fargo, ND – What a world we live in! The nerds over at NASA and people across the globe watched as the last 10 years of astrophysics engineering came to fruition early this morning with the landing of the Mars rover, “Curiosity”. The last 10 or so years was a marathon of software computations, physics formulas and jet propulsion engineering which resulted in the placement of Curiosity smack dab in the middle of the Mars landscape.

This has the homeless community outraged. The needy are wondering why the hell the Salvation Army building downtown cannot afford central air conditioning but meanwhile, millions of dollars of federal grant money is being fed to a program dedicated to a planet millions of miles away from where our real problems exist: Earth. Moorhead-area hobo Trevor Sands had this to say during a protest outside of the Moorhead planetarium:

“I’m sleepin’ outside under a heap of shit-covered blankets in the winter because I can’t get health insurance to buy pills that keep the goddamn demons out of me. How much you think puttin’ some damn 4-wheeler on the surface of Mars cost? Probably a lot more than a year’s supply of demon pills, brother. Change? Spare change??”

Sands then showed me the devil carving on his forearm he made using a plastic butter knife that he claimed the “Mars buggy demons” are responsible for. The Observer wishes the homeless best of luck getting demon pill grant money during these trying times.

Cheney: There Is Nothing I Do Not Hate

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Washington, DC – In a recent interview, former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney was asked his opinion about the upcoming presidential election prospects as well as past candidates. He speculated on Mitt Romney’s possible running mate as well as how big a mistake it was that McCain chose Sarah Palin as his VP nominee. He then proceeded to go off on a tangent that the Observer is not shocked to have heard about:

“Not only was the Palin choice a grave mistake, but so was my shooting that old codger in his face. I should have shot him square in the coin purse. And you know what else? Hunting is stupid anyway. So is American politics and as a matter of fact, for the life of me, at this very moment, there is not one SINGLE THING in this world that I do not possess an utter distaste for. Fuck your fat hairdo, fuck this room, fuck this chair i’m sitting on, fuck my out-of-control sodium intake and fuck everything else in the world because–who cares– i’m almost dead.”

The interview was said to have ended abruptly at that point as Cheney, after ferociously making his point, started grumbling and stormed out of the room. The Observer will be reaching out to the former VP for a follow-up on this very interesting character development.


Famed Downtown Fargo Garbage Peddler Pete Wrigley, Jr– Robbed!

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Fargo, ND – A smelly-looking friend of the Observer is in need of some help. Pete Wrigley, Jr. (remember him from this article) came to the Observer with some rather troubling news–his float boat rust bucket was just robbed! A frantic Wrigley showed up at the doorstep of the FM Observer headquarters (The Empire bar) looking haggard. His brow wet with sweat. He yanked me off my barstool and exclaimed “Some random crackhead stole one of my kneeboards from m’boat!!” I couldn’t believe it.

The mood went from suspicious to somber in an instant. We both stormed outside and into the parking lot only to find Pete’s rustmobile sans one of his kneeboards. I knew right then that I had to enlist the help of our loyal readers. Please, study the picture above to get a good mental picture of Pete, his greasy hairdo, his creaky old vessel, and most importantly, his kneeboard. IF YOU SEE A RANDOM CRACKHEAD CARRYING AROUND A SIMILAR-LOOKING KNEEBOARD, NOTIFY THE OBSERVER IMMEDIATELY.

Red River Fargo Sex Doll Rescue

Red River Plays Sick Joke. Drowning Inflatable Doll Sparks 20 Man Police Rescue.

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Red River Fargo Sex Doll RescueFargo, ND – The Red River is back in the news again.  Not too long ago we reported the Red River being a dickhead and getting on the residents bad side. In a following story, the Red River and it’s residents made up and were adorably able to live with each other peacefully again. Well, the Red River has become bored because it’s back to fucking with its residents again.

The Red River of the Fargo-Moorhead area is back to its old self. This time playing a sick joke on its local residents and police.

20 Police officers were called on scene in Fargo, ND this Tuesday morning after a concerned witness said a lady was in distress in the Red River.

According to a local witness, this dramatic scene attracted over 50 spectators which were blocking and hindering police rescue attempts.

After 20 min of complete chaos, police were absolutely horrified. It turns out that they had not rescued a drowning female but in fact rescued an inflatable sex doll from the river.

A shocked crowd quickly dispersed upon seeing the  disgusting inflatable sex doll. Spectators were even seen covering the eyes of their children as to not witness the deflated and deformed sex doll’s breasts.

Following the rescue, police officers said they were forced to act on the rescue as the sex doll had a similar size and appearance of a real human female.

In an attempt to get back at the River, The Fargo Police were last seen trying to get a semen sample from the sex doll victim to see if the Red River had raped it.

I can only wait with anticipation what trick the Red River will pull on its residents next.

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Don’t Rent The Wrong Flick. Our List of MUST SEE Movies.

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West Fargo, ND – We want to make sure you don’t walk into the video store and rent the wrong movie so we have compiled a list of the MUST SEE movies.  All with correct title names so you don’t get confused.  Make some popcorn, get your favorite blanket, and light a fire. Watch any of the highly acclaimed videos below and enjoy a relaxing night in.

Beat Me With Your Penis
Home With Aids.  Orgy of Death.
Grandmas Glory Hole
Poo Orgys Anonymous
Cramfest
Bang-a-lang-a-ding dong
Piss On My Tits Then Punch Me In The Face
The Magic Bone
The Cock Ticklers of Breast Mountain
Titpissers
Mouth Farts For You
Itty Bitty Boner Titty
Rape Fantasy Island
Hong Kong Shlongs
Penis Killers
Gaydar Cops of L.A.
Hellbeasts of Whore Island
The Essence of Sex part 4 of 5: ANALLINGUS
Father Abuse
Sleep Fuckers
Rape Me When I’m Dead
Celebration on The Summit of Fuck Mountain
For The Love of Cum
666 Sinister Sexers
She’s Wearing His Genes
Fuck Me Till I Retarded
Brain Me With Your DickBoner
Pierce Me With Your Penis
Yeast Infectors
Juggling Ball Abusers
Pool Party of Piss Kissers
Ass Raiders

I know this list will prove to be useful to you so don’t forget to print it out and carry it with you wherever you go.

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One Man Comes To Conquer The Red River Valley Fair And…………

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West Fargo, ND – The Red River Valley Fair in West Fargo is a tough playground to stand out in.  People from all over dress their best in the efforts to stand out, possibly grind their naked genitals together, or become the latest homicide victim.

In the midst of all the back boobs, hooker shoes, tight cowboy jeans, cowboy shorts, and swass (sweaty ass),only one man can stand out.  And that man is……..this guy.

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“I lift wrist weights.  You wanna do me?”

This man is sporting some super cool board shorts.  Where he was before the fair I am not sure.  I can only guess he was pretending to surf some waves at the kiddy pool so I would definitely ask your kids if anything “out of the ordinary” happened.  The shorts are then complimented by a nice DC surfer jacket.  Again, probably riding some waves in the kiddy pool.  Check with your kids.  To top it all off, he is wearing wrist weights which were on his ankles earlier in the evening.  This is totally a baller move.  Wrist weights will get you the chicks and this guy knows it.

This guy eluded me two times while trying to capture his picture.  I was in the stands when I first spotted this creature.  He was walking casually by with his rockin’ ankle weights and was lost amongst the concert crowd.  Disappointed, I sat waiting, lurking, hoping for the chance to spot this creature again.  Then there he was, making his rounds again.  This time I ran down into the crowd to try and stalk this creature, gather research, but he eluded me yet again.  Not giving up, I left my position and walked around looking for him.  God was with me this day because as I was standing there drinking my beer that tasted like piss, he walked right past me.  Excited, I pounced on the opportunity and finally got my short video to provide you all with.  Prize will be awarded if you can correctly name this species.

As I was leaving the fair guess who was there?  It was ankle weight guy running around with children.  It completed my entire night.

So, I think it’s fair to say that this man came to conquer The Red River Valley Fair and……….. KICKEDFUCKINASS!!!!