Young Fargo Inventor Hits It Big On Shark Tank

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Smart Cream will cure what ails you!

Fargo, ND – On an upcoming Shark Tank show, a youthful Fargo inventor wows all five sharks and walks away with a mega deal.

The FM Observer received a brief notification about this breaking story with limited details.

What we do know is that twelve-year-old Kim Klug was offered $10 million from each of the five sharks for her Smart Cream.

Kim’s invention, when rubbed on skin, will cure whatever ails a person.

In Kim’s words: “My Smart Cream figures out what the problem is and then fixes it.”

With her Shark Tank deal, along with additional possibilities for some of her other inventions, Kim Klug could be a billionaire by her 13th birthday.

When we contacted Kim about her sudden success, here was her response:

“From a young age, my parents impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life, that your word is your bond and you do what you say and keep your promise, that you treat people with respect. They taught and showed me values and morals in their daily lives. That is a lesson that I continue to pass along to others. And we need to pass those lessons on to the many generations to follow. Because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.”

Army Corps Of Engineers To Straighten Out Red River For Improved Flowability

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Meandering Red River to get fixed with a route canal.

Meandering Red River to get fixed with a route canal.

Fargo, ND – In an effort to increase the efficiency of the Mighty Red River of the North, the Army Corps of Engineers is going to straighten out the river’s seemingly random and needlessly meandering route.

“By making an almost perfectly straight canal, the river’s route will have much improved flowability,” explains Loran Toca, who is heading up the massive shovel-ready project.

The resulting “route canal” will not only relieve natural “pain” caused by decaying tree roots around each unnecessary curve, but will also help the Amry Corps of Engineers win its War on Meanderings.

Instead of having an inefficient river system with a bunch of superfluous turns and sections (not dissimilar to a governmental bureaucracy), the straightened “route canal” will significantly shorten the waterway for whenever it may be used for transportational purposes.

Chief engineer Loran Toca: “Yeah, this here will be a real sweet deal once we get it all finished up, which should be sometime around the year 2140.”

Bison Turf To Rise Again From The Ashes, Bigger And Better Than Ever!

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Bison Turf will respond Bison Tough!

Bison Turf will respond Bison Tough!

Fargo, ND – As the current chapter of the Bison Turf Bar changed from mass to energy (divided by the speed of light squared), the next chapter of its future was already beginning to rise from the ashes.

As perdition’s flames burned, positive universal karma was already flowing toward The Bison Turf from the moons of Nibia and from around the Antares Maelstrom.

The new Bison Turf Megaplex will not only be fireproof, but will be one of the most kick-ass, state-of-the-art places to hava bier in America.

There will be six floors to commemorate the six back-to-back national championships by the Bison Football team (the previous five championships plus the next one).

First Floor: The Bison Tough Lounge, which will be amazingly similar to the old Bison Turf Bar lounge, to honor past traditions.
Second Floor: The Champ Camp will be similar to the new Bison Tough Lounge but way cooler.
Third Floor: Instant Replay will be very high-tech with countless flat-screen TVs all showing Bison highlights from yesteryears.
Fourth Floor: Finish Strong to acknowledge that it takes four strong quarters to win a game.
Fifth Floor: The Floor Of Fame will surround patrons with a plethora of pictures and collectibles from all stand-out Bison athletes from all sports.
Sixth Floor: The Joy Of Six Rooftop Penthouse will be from where Bison fans can begin to cheer on the Bison Football team’s upcoming and astounding sixth consecutive national championship.

New Fargo Motorcycle Gang Called ‘Hell Monkeys’

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CAPTIONHIER

Fargo cautiously welcomes The Hell Monkeys to town.

Fargo, ND – Whether it likes it or not, Fargo now has a new motorcycle gang with which to contend.

The Hell Monkeys are their name and they claim to be more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Hell Monkey members tend to emulate one another because: monkey see, monkey do.

They purportedly only deal with monkey business that may or may not land them behind monkey bars.

Fargo Police might throw a monkey wrench into their plans if The Hell Monkeys decide to monkey around any laws.

The gang’s leader is named Bingo – a grease monkey by trade, a beer monkey during the evenings, a monkeyshine on the weekends, and a monkey’s uncle to Bubbles who lived at Neverland Ranch with Michael’s Jackson.

The Hell Monkey motto is “see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil” which includes disregarding all speed limits since they cannot read street signs.

The gang concurs with the old saying: if you pay peanuts, you get chunky monkeys but if you don’t pay any peanuts, you get angry monkeys.

They are also warning Fargo residents to never monkey with another monkey’s monkey.

If you ever need to get a monkey off your back, you may need to monkey up and do the monkey hustle with some fresh bananas, lest one or more gang members go ape on you.

Middle Finger Replaces Frown Face On Social Media

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An emoticon that says two words!

Middle Branch, Ohio – In an on-going effort to stay culturally current, the old frown face is now being replaced by the middle finger on The Facebook.

Emoticon experts all agree that this is a very good move in the right direction.

“The middle finger is way more expressive than the old frown face” says Tink Winkerdahl who blogs from his parents’ basement in Middlesex, New York.

“I personally believe that the middle finger is here to stay. The beta version which was introduced just last week has already been used a lot!”

FMO’s 1st Annual Snackathon Eating Contest

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FMO's 1st Annual Snackathon Eating Contest

FMO’s 1st Annual Snackathon Eating Contest

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer is proud to be teaming up with the Hostess Snack Corporation to bring you our First Annual Snackathon Eating Contest!

Everyone is invited to join in with our First Annual Snackathon Eating Contest.

Here are some of the exciting details of our First Annual Snackathon Eating Contest:

  • In the comfort of your own home, see how many Hostess snacks you can consume in any 24-hour period.
  • Keep track of how many Ding Dongs, Twinkies, Zingers, and Chocodiles you can successfully consume without ever purging.
  • This contest is based on the Honor System however please keep all snack wrappers for possible verificational purposes.
  • Please record your beginning weight and also your ending weight at the conclusion of your chosen 24-hour period.
  • Email the FMObserver@Gmail.com all of your final numbers: Total number of each type of snack consumed along with your beginning and ending weights.
  • Prizes shall be awarded for the most Hostess snacks consumed.
  • First Prize will be a trip to Grand Forks during a blizzard.
  • Second Prize will be two trips to Grand Forks during a blizzard.
How many Ding Dongs, Twinkies, Zingers, and Chocodiles can you eat in a 24-hour period?

How many Ding Dongs, Twinkies, Zingers, and Chocodiles can you eat in a 24-hour period?

Hackers Change Pokemon Go Animals Into Satanic Demons

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Demons in your world.

Demons in your Pokeworld?

Fargo, ND – A small number of Android users have become affected by a nefarious hack into the newly-famous Pokemon Go mobile game interface. Certain pokehunters are now encountering demonic hellspawn where cute and adorable Pokemon once were.

Pokemon Go player Plis Kincannix, 15, says “I didn’t sign up to fight demons, but bro, these demons are totally lit. I can shoot pokeballs at ghouls instead of Pikachu until the bug is fixed.”

The hack purportedly affects versions of Android 4.0 and older, so if you’ve been hunting Pokemon with a sucky old suckity-suck phone you might be susceptible.

ISIS and John Mark Karr have both claimed responsibility for the hack.

Pokémon Parents Pleading Please Stop The Insanity

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Pokémon Caption Hier

Pokémon Go Crazy!

West Fargo, ND – After a five year old child was hit by a Mack truck while walking across the interstate highway at midnight, the child’s parents are asking for the insanity to stop.

After a distracted tot climbed into a Cincinnati gorilla pit while doing the Pokémon, the parents are asking for the insanity to stop.

After a young boy turned his bicycle into a Pokémon Go machine and then drove off the edge of a Grand Canyon cliff, parents are asking Pokémon Go to Pokéstop!

A spokémon for the Nintendo company, Diantic Kabushiki, stated that “our new location-based mobile reality game is helping many children get up and go out to try and catch Pokémon in the real world while receiving alerts when a Pokémon is nearby.”

What do you think about Pokémon Go? Do you have any stories or insights into this new phenomenon that is sweeping the country? The FMObserver plans to Poképrobe this hot topic until we clearly know how this Pokéstory ends.

‘Black Lights Matter’ Has One Small Problem

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Blacklight Smatter

Blacklight Smatter

Fargo, ND – A number of people in the North Fargo area had recently replaced their normally white porch lights with blacklights to show support for the Black Lights Matter movement.

Not only did this look real cool but it showed that these neighborhoods cared with this expression of solidarity for a trending national cause.

Unfortunately, in practical terms, the dimly lit streets in these areas have allowed the crime rate to dramatically increase.

The number of robberies, burglaries, break-ins, car-jackings, and muggings more than tripled overnight ever since the brighter white lights were replaced with the blacklights.

Kimbrell Scavetta, a spokesperson for Black Lights Matter commented: “We have no comment at this time about this matter, although I will say that we positively disagree with any negativity directed towards Black Lights Matter as a result of these unsubstantiated statistical findings.”

Moral of the story: Sometimes trying to support national causes causes more problems rather than helping to solve problems.

Fotos By Fritz The Cat Opens In Moorhead

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Photography by Fritz The Cat

Photography by Fritz The Cat

Moorhead, MN – A new business is finally coming to the quirky town of Moorhead.

Fotos by Fritz the Cat will be opening its doors this week at the sight of the old Ralph’s bar on Main Avenue, just across the river in downtown Moorhead.

Frankly, Fritz admits to being an illegal alien cat who snuck into town via Lutheran Social Services.

Fritz began taking pictures when still just a small kitten back in his home province of Catmandu, in the mountainous country of Nipel, after being given a camera by the Dolly Llama.

Now, Fritz the Cat would like to serve the off-beat town of Moorhead with his photography skills.

His specialties are weddings, funerals, family pictures, graduations, mugshots, retirements, births, bar mitzvahs, accidents, and circumcisions.

To schedule a shooting, Fritz recommends contacting his wife, Miss Kitty.

If you mention the FM Observer, you will receive a 50% discount off of the normally inflated price due to Obamacare.