Tag Archives: administration

Trump Names Bali Volcano, Mt. Agung, As New Top Advisor

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Mt. Agung: nice ash!

Washington, D.C. – After losing a number of top advisors in recent weeks, President Trump filled one of the vacant slots with a highly unusual appointment today. Mt. Agung, the active volcano currently erupting in Bali, has been named as his newest high-ranking cabinet member.

“I have a wonderful, beautiful, special relationship with Mt. Agung. That volcano is really, really smart, it’s got amazing ideas, you’ve never heard ideas like these…the best…and it’s going to be a great thing for our country, America, which is a great country, but it could be better, but now it will be better, like way way better,” Trump exclaimed earlier today.

Asked what he was thinking by naming a volcano as a top advisor, President Trump said, “Mt. Agung is yuge and strong, like really strong, and really yuge. Plus it’s a volcano, which is amazing…it’s got the best eruptions in the world, the hottest lava, its ash is the best ash I’ve ever seen…everyone is going to love it, and I mean love it bigly.”

White House staffers had no comment, but insiders tell the FM Observer that they are “drinking heavily” and “mostly just praying”.

Woman Claims Woodrow Wilson Touched Her Inappropriately During White House Visit

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President Woodrow Wilson allegedly groped a female visitor at White House.

Touchet, WA – A recently deceased woman claims that she was groped by then President Woodrow Wilson whilst she was on a group tour of the White House.

Ms. Gerda Powis of Touchet, Washington wrote in her detailed memoirs that instead of a group tour, it turns out she was on a “grope tour” after she somehow ended up in the Oval Office alone with President Woodrow Wilson who was only wearing a robe.

“He groped me and proceeded to touch me inappropriately against my will when I was just a young woman,” claims Ms. Powis who lived to the ripe old age of 109.

The Woodrow Wilson Administration was not available for comment however we’re assuming they deny the entire story and brush it off as being just more poppycock fake news.

Ironically, all of the letters in Gerda Powis can be lovingly re-arranged to spell: I Was Groped!

President Trump To Make Salvation Army Part Of U.S. Military

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Salvation Army to join U.S. Military per President Trump.

Trump Tower, NY – On Day One of his presidency, President Donald Trump stuck to his campaign promise to make the Salvation Army an equal member of the United States Military.

“This is going to be huge, folks, trust me, it’s going to be great,” uttered the in-coming president.

“Now bell ringers with guns will be able to ring their bells and forcibly collect money all over the world.”

A surprised spokesman for the Salvation Army was overheard in the bathroom saying that “this all has come as quite a shock to both the leadership and rank & file workers of the Salvation Army. I most certainly hope we are all somewhat trained in the use of guns and one-on-one personal self-defense combat fighting!”

A spokeswoman for the new Trump Administration recently announced that each and every existing fricking governmental…
1. department, 2. agency, 3. division, and 4. bureaucracy
will first be…
1. reviewed, 2. interviewed, and 3. analyzed
and then either…
1. downsized, 2. amalgamated, or 3. completely eliminated.

Editor’s Note: Obviously, in the case of the Salvation Army, it is being amalgamated.

Donald Trump To House Speaker Boehner: ‘You’re Fired!’

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John Boehner, you're fired!

John Boehner, you’re fired!

New York, NY – In preparation for his upcoming presidency, Donald Trump is already making some big changes.

On Friday, the Trumpster told House Speaker John Boehner, “You’re Fired!”.

Now, whenever anyone has a weepy, tearful moment, it is being called “a Boehner moment”.

At this juncture, The Donald is leaning toward having Motivational Speaker Matt Foley replace John Boehner as Speaker of the House.

Here is a list of some other possible key changes President-Elect Donald Trump wants to make for his administration:

  • Gary Busey: White House Chief-of-Staff
  • La Toya Jackson: Plastic Surgeon General
  • Dennis Rodman: Ambassador to North Korea
  • Megyn Kelly: Ambassador to Siberia
  • Rosie O’Donnell: Secretary of Sanitation & Waste Disposal
  • Bill Cosby: Drug Company Czar
  • Ray Rice: Head of Hotel Security
  • Michael Vick: Director of the Humane Society
  • Al Sharpton: N-Word Police Force Captain
  • Tom Brady: Deflation Czar
  • Bernie Madoff: Treasury Secretary
  • Ted Nugent: President of the N.R.A.
  • Willie’s Nelson: Medical Marijuana Czar
  • Subway’s Jared Fogle: Director of Youth Programs
  • Larry Bird: Avian Flu Coach
  • King Kong: Outside Building Inspector
  • Jerry Lundegaard: CA$H-For-Clunkers Director
  • Major Tom: Director of N.A.S.A.
  • Walter White: Methodist Church Bishop
  • Caitlyn Jenner: Transportation Secretary
  • Jack Daniels: Head of the A.T.F.
  • The UND Fighting Sioux: Oversee the N.C.A.A.
  • Dracula: Director of the Blood Bank & The Red Cross
  • Billy Graham: Secretary of S’mores
  • KFGO’s Joel Heitkamp: Head Grammarian
  • Chewbacca: Director of ESL (English as a 2nd Language)
  • Billy Bob Thornton: In charge of just General Weird Shit
  • Village People: To oversee the Y.M.C.A.
  • Men at Work: In charge of Job Creation
  • Pink Floyd: In charge of The Wall
  • Jacksonville Jaguars Mascot: Ebola Czar

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