Tag Archives: church

North Dakota First State To Make Church Attendance Mandatory

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Sunday church attendance is now mandatory in North Dakota just like Obamacare made buying health insurance mandatory.

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota legislature has now made attending church on Sunday required by law.

The bill which passed unanimously will also give a 10% tithe from each church’s offering plates to the state as a thank you kickback for requiring every North Dakota citizen to attend church each and every week.

“We believe this is what the people who sent us here want, and also what God wanted when she said ‘Thou shalt attend church on Sunday’ in that famous speech on the mountain,” says Lester Walstrum from Zap, who co-sponsored the landmark legislation.

This new law goes into effect today so if you’re a North Dakota resident, you might want to change your plans of going fishing or having family breakfast at Denny’s until after you’ve done your due diligence and attended church and also put your voluntary mandatory offering in the offering plate, so help you God.

New Fargo Religious Radio Station To Broadcast Only In Tongues

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New Fargo religious radio station is WHAT AM1770

Fargo, ND – Soon to hit the airwaves of the Fargo-Moorhead area will be a new religious radio station which might be rather difficult to understand for some.

All of the on-air personalities will be speaking in tongues, which is believed to be a divine religious language of yesteryear that is completely foreign to the speaker.

Some people supposedly have the gift of speaking in tongues while others have the complimentary gift of being able to understand these vocalized speech-like syllables.

For the rest of us, listening to someone speaking in tongues may simply sound like the Tower Of Babble from which most cannot derive any readily comprehensible meaning.

The man who had the brilliant idea for this new radio station is Dr. Peter Glossolalia, a lifelong member of the Pentecostal church.

We caught up with Peter to ask him about this new radio station. Here is Dr. Peter Glossolalia in his own words: “Oldah ugal fafa ni nas baas uk oon ahd oob usuc de e miid adda ca adi aanye ba allib!”

The new radio station’s call letters are WHAT?! which can soon be heard (but perhaps not understood) at AM 1770.

Janitor Charged With Fondling Church Organ

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Forgiven but not forgotten.

Moorhead, MN – Unhappy church officials at the House Of God Inc. are investigating an alleged fondling of their church organ.

A man who had apparently dressed himself up to look like the church janitor was caught groping and fondling the large organ in the main church sanctuary.

The man, whose name is Peter Sexmeyer, was later discovered to be a level two sex offender who was also being sought in both Texas and Colorado for similar assaults on other smaller church organs.

Church president Mrs. Valerie Clankster said on behalf of their stunned congregation: “I think it’s very creepy that someone would do such a thing in our beloved church. It feels like our worship space has been violated. It will be hard to forgive this lewd and sinful act because now, whenever we sing our hymns, we’ll be thinking of that fricking pervert having sex with our big organ.”

Will this church congregation ever get past this salacious incident? Probably.

Will this church organ ever be the same? Probably not.

Will this sexoholic pseudo janitor get prison time for this organic act? Maybe not.

Should you be on the lookout for sex-crimes against your church organ? Maybe yes.

Church Bazaar Selling Some Bizarre Items

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Bizarre items selling at Bazaar.

Fargo, ND – It’s that bizarre time of year again when many local churches have their church bazaars to raise money for various church programs.

For a very reasonable price, one can usually purchase wonderful home-made baked goods and hand-made craft items which represent the regional culture.

The FM Observer has learned that one local church is selling some rather unusual items this year.

The Second Lutheran Church has put together a rather motley collection of bizzär items (to say the least).

“How bizzär?” you might ask. Well, just take a goosey gander at the list for yourself:

FOOD ITEMS

  • Inflatable Meatloaf in-a-can
  • Norwegian Lutefisk on-a-stick
  • Mabel’s “Ass-Blaster” hot sauce
  • Grandma’s home-made Gravy Candy
  • Individually wrapped pieces of “Magic” Cake
  • Recipe Book of 1,001 Casseroles & Hotdishes
  • Dehydrated Octopus Jerky (just add salted water)
  • Raw fish Sushi Sandwiches deep-fried in cod liver oil
  • Microwaved Philly Steak & Cheese Hot Pockets served in waffle cones

SECULAR ITEMS

  • Autographed copies of Big Bird’s Memoirs
  • Partially-used prescription medications
  • Fargo Farce hockey jerseys
  • MouseTrap Cheese Boards
  • Hand-shaped Hand Soaps
  • MouseTrap Mouse Pads
  • 3-packs of Spatulas
  • Mesh Umbrellas
  • Mystery Boxes
  • Grab Bags

RELIGIOUS ITEMS

  • Musical Jesus Wallet
  • Left-over Communion Wine
  • Autographed pictures of Jesus
  • Burnt toast with image of Jesus
  • Raffle chances to give a Sunday Sermon
  • Book of Black Magic Spells & Incantations
  • Raffle for two pairs of one-way tickets to Heaven
  • Rosary Beads & Necklaces made by Seasoned Citizens

First Visionary Church Offers Portal To God

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Pastor Leary says that people today are looking for a new kind of church experience.

Fargo, ND – An alternative church is being started in the Fargo-Moorhead area. Members of the new First Visionary Church will strongly be encouraged to use psychedelic drugs to get closer to God. Pastor Tim Leary believes this is what many people are seeking today.

Pastor Leary says the whole concept is based on a wealth of knowledge gleaned from native American Indian religious practices. “By opening a direct mind-portal to God, you can then generate authentic visions from your own personal God experiences”, preaches Pastor Leary.

“Through carefully controlled usage of psychoactive substances such as mescaline, peyote, and psilocybin mushrooms, our church members can find what they’re looking for and then come back to share their personal revelations in the fellowship hall with some hot coffee and cookies”, he explains.

Interestingly, the freedom of religion clause in the U.S. constitution allows church congregations to use drugs that would normally be against federal law, as long as it is done “as part of an actual worship service or other legitimate church activity”.

If you would like more information about First Visionary Church or are interested in becoming a charter member, please call 1-800-MUSHROOM and ask for Pastor Tim Leary, who says: “If you like listening to Pink Floyd, you will love this church!”

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

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Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Below are very important questions everyone should consider asking before joining a religion.

 

Are there unicorns?

Are there dragons?

Will you rape me of my money?

Will you rape me?

Will you rape my children?

Do you think for me or do I think for myself?

Is it ok to pass gas in a church pew?

Are gays your sworn enemy?  If so, would you go to war against them?  What weapons would you use?

Do I get superpowers?

Is touching a woman’s or man’s arm considered sex?

Are animals considered robots?

Do you believe in modern medicine or are you miracle healers?

Are there free donuts available after we congregate?

Do you wear special underwear?

Do you pray to god or use some type of electronic device like a cellphone?

Do you perform mating rituals?

Do I have to give you my belongings?

What date do you consider the end coming?

If Jessica Biel became a zombie and tried to bite you, would you let her get a little tongue action in before you blew her head off?

How many followers does your religion’s twitter feed currently have?

How many times did the Bible’s writers misuse the words ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ before you guys edited it?

If your religion could have a mascot, what would it be?

What is the outside food/beverage policy during worship?

I have an aversion to needles. Will you be administering heroin or any other harmful drugs during bloody sacrifice? (hopefully only applies to Satanism)

True or false: If you keep all the hair trimmings from every haircut you’ve ever had, you would have enough to construct a life-size hair twin?

Where we’re going, will we need roads or no?

Why didn’t Jesus have a wife and kids?

 

 

Update:  A priest responds