Tag Archives: diet

The New Measure Of Health Is Pounds Per Vertical Foot

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Calculate your pounds per vertical foot and then share that information with your friends and family.

Footville, Wisconsin – Experts have come up with a new and easy way to determine one’s general overall health.

Pounds per vertical foot is the new way to measure and judge how near or far a person is from the ideal bodily proportions.

To calculate it, simply take your total weight in pounds and divide that by how many feet tall you are.

For example, for a person weighing 200 pounds and standing 5 feet 10 inches tall, you would divide 200 by 5.83 = 34.3 pounds per vertical foot.

It turns out that 34.3 is just about ideal when it comes to pounds per vertical foot.

Ironically, as I write this, that happens to be exactly my pounds per vertical foot, which makes me feel like I am on track toward being on board the train of healthy living.

What is your pounds per vertical foot? Ask others what theirs is. Share yours with others in the break room. Post yours proudly in your cubicle at work. Help others calculate theirs after gathering their height and weight. It is fun and easy, and the new healthy thing to do!

Man Tweaks Life Plan After Doctor Tells Him He May Not Live Forever

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Fargo man is totally stunned upon learning that he may not live forever.

Fargone, ND – When Mr. Verner Foot walked into his doctor’s office, he was honestly thinking that he would live forever.

When this came up during office visit conversation, his doctor gently broke the news to Verner that the chances of not living forever are about 100%.

Mr. Foot is his own words: “What the hell?! This is certainly news to me. Well, yeah, this definitely changes things, in a rather major way!”

When we asked Verner Foot what sort of life changes he’s planning on making based on this new information, he said: “Pretty much everything, except for diet and lifestyle.”

Anagramically, all the letters in Verner Foot can be mixed around to spell: Not Forever!

Try Some Radioactive Soup For What Ails You

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You’ve probably heard them talking about Radioactive Soup on the radio.

​Are you wanting to jazz up your diet?

Do you need more energy to charge your batteries?

Would you like to consume more soup?

Dr. Audie Porta-Visco who specializes in radioactive foods suggests that you make some radioactive soup to cure whatever ails you.

Just like bacteria, not all radioactivity is harmful to your health.

A soup made with as many of the following highly radioactive ingredients will provide you with enough radioactivity to charge up your system: Brazil nuts, Lima Beans, Potatoes, Carrots, Avocados, and Red Meat.

For dessert, eat some Bananas and Peanut Butter and then wash it all down with Beer.

Since all of the aforementioned foods are relatively high in radioactivity, you should feel amazingly recharged within minutes.

Incredibly, all of the letters in Audie Porta-Visco can be stirred up to spell: Radioactive Soup!

25 Eating Tips By FMObserver Senior Staff Dietitian Angie Pitts

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Eating is all about choices. The more choices you make, the more you get to eat. –Angie Pitts

Since eating is such a universal activity, and Eating Well has now become so hip and trendy, we here at the FM Observer decided to proactively hire our own Senior Staff Dietitian to provide free, important, and helpful advice to all of our readers (and also to those who cannot read).

Professional Dietitian Angie Pitts (no relation to Brad Pitts) has compiled the following excellent list of Eating Tips for the 21st Century.

Angie Pitts in her own words: I would like to thank the FM Observer for 1. bringing me on board so that I can reach millions of people who eat on a daily basis, and 2. putting their trust in me that I can provide the latest cutting-edge advice that both you and your family deserve.

25 Great Eating Tips (by Angie Pitts)

Eat while you’re working out.
Never eat on an empty stomach.
Food always goes into the mouth.
Never eat more than you can lift.
When in doubt, poke it with a fork.
Always download before you upload.
Eat more fish than your spousemate.
Cut down on anything that’s saturated.
Have a glass of wine when you’re nervous.
Always carry an extra Snickers bar with you.
Eat vegetables because you are what you eat.
Never eat between snacks, unless it’s a meal.
Remember to swallow to prevent oral dysphagia.
Crown your Chicken ala King with a steak medallion.
To aid with digestion, purée your meals in a blender.
Go for a short jog following each of your main meals.
Eat slowly unless being rushed by a corrections officer.
Do not sit upside down during meals (and no head stands).
For fluffy scrambled eggs, beat them well like you’re Ray Rice.
Avoid talking in full sentences while eating (short phrases only).
Eat as much chicken fried steak (with the white gravy) as possible.
To thicken foods, add potato flakes. If too thick, add beef bouillon.
Eat at a variety of fast food restaurants to ensure a well-balanced diet.
Chew each bite of food at least 40 times unless you’re in an eating contest.
Only eat half of what’s on your plate (freeze the rest for a midnight snack).

Ironically, “Angie Pitts” can be rearranged into: Eating Tips!

Milkshakes A Great Way To Add Poundage

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Why just have one chocolate milkshake when you can just as easily have two?!

Why have one chocolate milkshake when you can just as easily have two?!

West Fargo, ND – Are you underweight and trying to put on a few extra pounds to increase your gravitas? Are you tired of being bullied by some thin man up in the bully pulpit?

Milkshakes have been found to be an excellent way to add those desired pounds while enjoying every sip of the process.

As a public service, some of us at the FMObserver took it upon ourselves to test all the chocolate milkshakes available in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Based on the number of calories per milkshake along with the overall flavor and thickness, we were going to list the names of the places we recommend most.

We even went so far as to do a Double Blind study where we each ordered two (2) chocolate milkshakes from each establishment and drank them while wearing a blindfold.

Interestingly, we found that we could cheaply make great milkshakes in the privacy of our own homes by using vanilla ice cream, whole milk, and Hersey’s chocolate syrup, where we didn’t even need to limit ourselves to two per sitting.

In conclusion: We can report that consuming at least two chocolate milkshakes per meal for at least two months is certainly a good way to add some extra needed weight when possibly bulking up for fall football, trying to qualify for the Biggest Loser Show, or just wanting to command more respect when you walk into a room full of thin people who maybe have not yet heard about your awesomely effective milkshake diet.

All-Candy Diet Promoted By Candy Companies

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In CandyLand, you can eat all the candy you want.

Kandiyohi County, MN – A prestigious group of some of the top candy companies in the world are encouraging people to go on an all-candy diet.

A large consortium of candy companies called the CandyLand Group (which includes: Mars, Nestle, Hersey, Russell Stover, Tootsie Roll, Jelly Bellies, DeMets, Pez, and Fannie May) held their latest Candy Conference in Kandiyohi County.

At the Candy Conference, they made public a new scientific study which happened to be funded by the CandyLand Group.

The study showed that participants who ate an all-candy diet were amazingly smarter, much happier, and surprisingly healthier than their placebo counter-parts who ate a strict non-candy diet of anonymous foods that were all pureed together in a blender.

Top representatives from each company all agreed that eating an all-candy diet is simply giving the body more of what it needs to function in this fast-paced 21st century.

“Gone are the days of eating an apple a day to keep away the doctor” says Carmel Sweetooth of the CandyLand Group. “Fruits and vegetables can now be replaced by Smarties, Milk Duds, Skittles, and Gummi Bears.”

When asked if the CandyLand Group study was possibly biased towards trying to sell more candy, Ms. Sweetooth snapped that our question had an anti-candy bias and was therefore an unacceptable question, as she popped a Junior Mint into her mouth before storming off to CandyLand.