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Hitch-a-Bitch Doggy Dating Service to Open In Fargo

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Bow....wow!

Bow….wow!

Fargo, ND—Pet owners often wonder: does my dog get lonely sitting home by itself while i’m away? The answer is most certainly yes. Rover is scared, anxious and above all, lonely when you’re not there. But he doesn’t have to be. Get Spot laid! You, the dog’s owner, can now play the role of Pooch Pimp with the help of Fargo’s new doggy dating service, Hitch-a-Bitch!

Hitch-a-Bitch CEO Johnnny Moores invented his company after he got sick of his dog constantly humping his leg. He thought to himself, “I need to get you a woman, Spike” and thus, Hitch-a-Bitch was born.

Hitch-a-Bitch’s patented dating metrics will match your dog to a canine with similar interests/hobbies. Does your dog like to chew any damn thing it can fit its mouth around? HAB will pair your dog up with a fellow chewer. Does your dog eat rocks? HAB will line Rex up with a fur-covered rock-gobbler with whom he can lick genitals!

Turn ons: walks, toys. Turn offs: mailman, vacuum cleaner

Turn ons: walks, toys.
Turn offs: mailman, vacuum cleaner

As an added bonus, HAB will teach you basic sexualizing commands aimed at getting your dog better acquainted with its inner lover. HAB will help train your dog to hump on command. They can also train your dog to hug and and kiss other dogs at the snap of a finger.

Just fill out the hitch-a-bitch.com online questionnaire. Then, you and your mutt will be invited to the HAB doggie playpen to meet that special someone. Your pup is already well on its way to capturing canine companionship.

What could be more relaxing for your dog than a romp in the park with its one and only somebody? Rover and Daisy will soon be lovers. Your dog has a soulmate. Help him find it with Hitch-a-Bitch.

New FDA Drug Approved For Your Sick Dog

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Is your dog sicker than a dog?

Is your dog sicker than a dog?

Fargo, ND – Do you have a DOG? Is your dog SICK? Congratulations! You just might have a SICK DOG!

With the recent onset of the Dog Flu, the FDA (Federal Dog Agency) has approved a new drug called SICK DOG for testing on real dogs.

Through an exclusive offer with the FM Observer, you can get some SICK DOG for your sick dog today!

How do I know if my dog is sick? When multi-colors are coming out of every orifice of your dog’s feverish body, you probably have a SICK DOG! If your dog has lost all its fur and is coughing up blood, you probably have a SICK DOG!

How does the SICK DOG product work? Nobody really knows what’s in this “product” or how it “works”. However, if your dog shows ANY signs of improvement, please contact the SICK DOG Company immediately and read them the TEST CODE NUMBER on the side of your box of SICK DOG. The company will then scientifically use this information to determine which mixture of random ingredients might be the most effective on future SICK DOGS.

Are you planning a Super Bowl Party, but your dog is sick? Try SICK DOG!

Are you all dressed up just about to go out on a first date, but your dog is blowing chunks? Try SICK DOG!

Are you sick and tired of having a dog that’s sick and tired? Try SICK DOG!

Interested parties can also find out more about the SICK DOG Pyramid Scheme. Are you sick of living paycheck to paycheck? Are you dog-tired of trying to rob small-time convenience stores? Check out the SICK DOG Pyramid Scheme to learn how YOU can make up to $25,000 every month, without ever doing a damn thing, except calling 1-800-SICK-DOG!

Justin Beaver Pleads Drunk To All Charges

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Justin Beaver blames alcohol and an inner psychotic demon on all of his troubles.

Beaver Hills, CA – To the charges of driving his Lamborghini under the influence of alcohol, Justin Beaver pleaded Drunk to all of the charges.

While in court, the Beav explained to the judge in the case that it was not his fault for high-speed drag racing with the cops who were trying to arrest him. J.B. blamed alcohol for impairing his better judgment.

His team of attorneys is planning on filing a large lawsuit against the Jim Beam company for making their young and innocent client so damn drunk.

Once out of court, Mr. Beaver blamed the law enforcement officers on his troubles with the law. “If they would just stop following me around, trying to get an autograph for their wives, maybe I could have a little fun, and actually try to get something done around here, d’ya know what I’m saying?”, he ranted.

Justin’s psycho-therapist blames the troubles on a nasty internal demon for all of the acting out and the blaming of others.

Dr. Sheila Bunz believes that “a priest may be needed to exorcise this psycho-demon from the man-boy’s soul.”

To this, Justin Beaver snapped back: “Hey, I love to exercise! Just let me have a few drinks, before I start to get all pumped up, d’ya know what I’m saying? Yeah, like gimmy a frickin’ drink, or you’re frickin’ fired, bitch!”

FM Observer Asks: How Fricking Cold Is It?

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Temperatures are ranging from cold as shit to fucking freezing.

Fargo, North Dakota – It’s time once again for the FM Observer to shiveringly ask the proverbial question: How cold is it?

So, how fricking cold is it?

It’s so cold that polar bears are building their own igloos.

It’s so cold that hell has officially frozen over.

It’s so cold that both Russia and the USA thought the Cold War was back on.

It’s so cold that when cab drivers yell at pedestrians, their middle finger freezes.

It’s so cold that someone saw a dog trying to jump start another dog.

It’s so cold that firefighters are starting fires.

It’s so cold that penguins are putting mink jackets on lay-a-way.

It’s so cold that heating bills are arriving with a warning to sit down before opening.

It’s so cold that weathermen have started using the Kelvin temperature scale.

It’s so cold that people are playing checkers with tea candles.

It’s so cold that Miley Cyrus had to pull her tongue in.

It’s so cold that some women are thankful for hot flashes.

It’s so cold that hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs.

It’s so cold that muggers are phoning in sick.

It’s so cold that people are freezing their buns when leaving the bakery.

It’s so cold that the Four Seasons Hotel is changing its name to just “Winter”.

It’s so cold that Apple has introduced the iParka.

It’s so cold that after frozen pizzas are in the oven for 25 minutes, they’re still frozen.

It’s so cold that Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick.

It’s so cold that Bill Clinton thought he was standing next to Hillary.

It’s so cold that teenagers are having to pull their pants up.

It’s so cold that cats are looking out the window from across the room.

It’s so cold that in Maine, lobsters are throwing themselves into boiling pots.

It’s so cold that Playboy is publishing pictures of women with their clothes on.

It’s so cold that a comedian was rushed to the hospital after being pelted with frozen tomatoes.

It’s so cold that commerce was slowed when some shoppers discovered their bank accounts were frozen.

It’s so cold that Kate Upton has been downgraded from “Hot” to “Tepid”.

New Events Being Added To Winter Olympics

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One new Olympic event is the Doughnut Eating Contest!

Sochi, Russia – Olympics officials have announced some new and exciting events that will make their international debut at the Sochi Winter Olympic Games.

SnowCat Fights: Women from opposing countries try to run each other over while driving treaded snowcat mountain machines.

Vertical Toboggan Run: An exciting 100-foot vertical drop straight down in a small wooden toboggan. Watch out at the bottom!

Avalanche Survival Test Event: Team competition that awards one point for each team member who survives a real-life avalanche. 

King of the Hill: This one is pretty self-explanatory. Whoever can stand at the top of the giant snowpile for a full ten seconds is declared the winner.

Team/Individual Snowball Fights: This is a high-speed cross between DodgeBall and PaintBall except it is played with snowballs, none of which can be pre-made.

Donkey Kong Races: Multi-faceted racing event in which participants are blind-folded, covered with a gunny sack, and then spun in circles, just before the start gun.

Penguin Shooting Contest: Just imagine skiing to the next shooting location, drinking a shot of vodka, shooting real penguins, and then repeating this over and over.

Snowman Build & Destroy Event: Another team event which should really be a crowd favorite!

Snow Angels: Individual competition but held in two different categories – Gay and Straight.

Ice Skate Throwing: With such sharp blades, this one can get bloody dangerous, as the Brits would say.

Find the Black Widow Suicide Bomber: This is a special team event for the Sochi Olympic security staff.

Nigerian Prince Email Scam Academy Set to Launch This Spring

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nigerianNigeria—A country in Africa that is widely-known as a haven for princes-turned-internet scammers is slated to open its first internet-based scam academy this April. The Nigerian Scam Academy (NSA) is now accepting open enrollment for online courses in Spam Arts.

Nigerian Prince Jackson Kumalo is the Dean of Admissions at NSA. He says anyone who wants to learn how to scam the elderly should join the academy post haste:

“Our institution is excited to begin breeding Princes of Spam. Each student will be given a bogus email address, phone number, home address and Western Union wire transfer account. In addition, students will have access to hundreds of millions of dollars in play money with which to lure unsuspecting victims. Upon completion of the academy, graduates will be awarded a Certificate Of Unauthenticity and granted access to our exclusive database of gullible elderly. Sensational! Any and all who wish to become a Nigerian Prince con artist are urged to join.”

Kumalo then informed me that his grandfather had recently passed away in the Great African Tsunami and had left behind a small fortune; money that Kumalo is unable to keep for himself due to his noble status. He is offering a reimbursement of tuition amounts for all who join the academy:

“Join the NSA before enrollment closes and you will be awarded a substantial portion of Grandpa Kumalo’s inheritance, may he rest in peace! It is $5,000 USD to join. Please wire this money to my escrow, Bob Smith, and I will reimburse you that amount and an additional $10,000 in inheritance! Please do so before enrollment closes. Please help.”

Enrollment is open now until the open of spring semester, April 1st. Visit www.nigerianscamacademy.com to join. Please help.

North Korean Glee Club To Tour America

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North Korean National Men’s Glee Club will tour the USA with Dennis Rodman

Pyongyang, North Korea – The North Korean National Men’s Glee Club will soon be coming to the United States.

In a deal recently hatched by North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un and U.S. Envoy Dennis Rodman, the impressive singing group will be touring all 57 states in America.

As a special gift from North Korea’s Dear Leader, Kim Jong Un has declared that Dennis Rodman will act as official tour host and defection chaperone.

The tour dates for each state will be announced once Dennis Rodman completes his required detox and rehab stemming from a recent run-in with the law.

The North Korean National Men’s Glee Club, under the direction of Mr. Sing Long Song, will be performing works which have all been written by Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un. Each song is about twenty minutes long. Some song titles include: We Love Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Un Is Great, Dennis Rodman Is Our Friend, and We Have Nukes So Watch Out.

Travelling throughout the country by bus, each singer will be staying in host-family homes. If you are interested in hosting a singer, or want more information about this exciting tour, please contact Dennis Rodman at 1-800-THE-WORM for more specific details.

Breaking Bad Creating New Crop Of Chemists

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Everything needed to make crystal meth is on the Periodic Table.

Albuquerque, NM – The AMC TV series Breaking Bad recently won a much-deserved Golden Globe award for best dramatic TV series. Bryan Lee Cranston also won a Golden Globe for best actor in a TV dramatic series. He plays a high school chemistry Teacher who must deal with some family issues due to a medical problem.

A top research institution called the Western Area Learning Tree (or W.A.L.T.) has compiled some interesting statistics on the effect that Breaking Bad is having on our culture. One of the main take-aways from W.A.L.T.’s findings is that there is now a significant increase in the number of high School students wanting to go into the field of Chemistry.

Math and science had seen a long and Progressive decrease in interest by students ever since the Sony PlayStation first came out. Since the first Breaking Bad episode, Professor Betsy Carbunkle describes a 10-15% increase in students wanting to go into Chemistry for their chosen field of study when going on to higher education. Betsy says: “It’s quite encouraging that a show like Breaking Bad can have such a positive effect on what’s going on with today’s students.”

Unfortunately, the research is showing that Most of these students want to become chemists so they can learn how to cook their own crystal meth, just like on Breaking Bad. Also of concern, the number of high school crystal meth users has increased a remarkable 4800% since Breaking Bad broke onto the scene.

DeFenders of the show say that just as playing violent video Games doesn’t make youngsters more prone to violence, so does Breaking Bad not necessarily increase society’s usage of crystal meth. Jesse Tweeker said on his Methblog: “I believe that Breaking Bad shows the down-Side of crystal meth usage and therefore ultimately has an over-all positive effect on a generally Negative societal issue facing our country’s future Residents.”

Area Man Hiding Secret Phil Collins Obsession

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Fargo, ND—A friend of yours really likes Phil Collins but doesn’t want you to know, the Observer has learned. Recently, an area man looked left, looked right, then back over his shoulder as he discreetly plucked his latest purchase of Phil Collins memorabilia from his mailbox. He then scurried inside, delighted.

On the surface there isn’t a trace of evidence of area man’s obsession with the former Genesis frontman. No posters on his apartment walls, no songs on his iPod nor are there any albums in his CD collection. This isn’t because the evidence doesn’t exist—it’s because he is trying very hard to hide it from you.

Area man has made this statement in response to allegations that he was spotted wearing a white Genesis T underneath his work shirt:

“That’s not a band t-shirt,” he abruptly stated as he buttoned the top button. “I don’t own any music by Phil Collins or who did you say…Genesis? Never heard of them. But, seriously…the only famous Phil I know is Dr. Phil–that guy from TV.”

Locals believe that just the other day they witnessed area man in his car performing air drums while the hit song “In the Air Tonight” was blaring loudly at a stop light.

Our sources can indeed confirm that area man is, in fact, infatuated with Phil Collins and will do anything and everything in his power to hide it from you.

Fargo Proud To Be Named Drunkest City In America

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The drunker you live here, the longer you get.

The drunker you live here, the longer you get.

Fargo, ND – Fargo is proud to recently be named the drunkest city in the nation.

How proud is Fargo of this new distinction? So proud that the Fargo City Commission immediately passed a unanimous resolution declaring Fargo’s new slogan to be: Fargo is the Drunkest City in America!

National pollsters who came to Fargo said that virtually everyone who was interviewed admitted they had engaged in binge drinking at least five times within the past week.

Even more surprising was the fact that 80% of the people who were randomly selected to be questioned were drunk at the time of the survey.

One Fargo resident involved in the survey was Curby Feelers who said: “Just because I’m drunk, don’t mean I’m stupid.” Curby then proceeded to walk into a large tree that jumped out in front of him.

All of the other cities and towns on the National Drunk List were considered amateur compared to Fargo. The survey said: “When it comes to getting and staying the drunkest, Fargo is in the professional category.”

Now, let’s all fill our mugs, and toast to Fargo! The most bad-ass drunkest city in the United States of Beermerica!