Tag Archives: hockey

Cancellation Of UND Women’s Hockey Was Just A Bad April Fool’s Joke

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UND sincerely apologizes for joking that the Women’s Hockey program had been cancelled.

Grand Forks, ND – As many expected, the recent announcement that the famed UND Women’s Hockey program at the University of North Dakota was just a complete fake-news hoax.

It turns out that the university’s decision makers simply wanted to play a big joke on the top-notch world-class Women’s Hockey program but did not think that anyone would believe it.

But unfortunately, they took the joke too far and everyone including the Women’s Hockey Team and coaches all believed the poorly-planned hoax which its perpetrators now admit was very “mean and stupid”.

Even though the UND Women’s Hockey program has actually not been cancelled, there is one bit of follow-up news that might turn a few heads: The UND Men’s Hockey program will be cancelled due to financial problems at the school, along with the fact that they recently suffered a stunning double-overtime loss to Boston University in Fargo.

North Dakota Unveils Its New State Flag

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North Dakota's new slogan is: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)

North Dakota’s new flag displays its new state motto: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)

Bismarck, ND – After the Fighting Sioux won their eighth national hockey championship, and with the fifth straight national title for the NDSU Bison football team, North Dakota has decided to change its state flag and state motto.

In an easy-to-read, large, bold font (unlike the new license plates which suck), the new ND state flag will proudly say: North Dakota, and Nos Sunt Optima which is Latin for “We Are The Best!”

The official swearing-in ceremony for North Dakota’s new motto and flag will be in Bismarck on the 4th of July, followed by a massive display of fireworks, free mini-flags for everyone, fantastic foods for sale, fun until midnight, and just a general, old-fashioned fracking good time for all.

If you have a drone, bring it for the drone races! There will also be bocce ball and bean bag toss tournaments. All participants of these events will receive a collector T-shirt emblazoned with North Dakota’s new motto: Nos Sunt Optima.

The Ralph Engelstad Arena Being Dismantled Brick By Brick

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Bricks for sale as "The Ralph" is deconstructed as response to Fighting Sioux name change.

Bricks for sale as “The Ralph” is deconstructed in response to Fighting Sioux name change.

Grand Forks, ND – On the same day that out-going UND President Robert Kelley announced that the Fighting Sioux will now forever after be called the Fighting Hawks, workers quietly began the slow and painful process of taking down the Ralph Engelstad Arena according to the benefactor’s original instructions.

Back when “The Ralph” was first being built, Ralph Engelstad said that if the Fighting Sioux nickname ever fell victim to political correctness, he would have this most beautiful hockey palace taken down brick by brick.

As the Ralph Engelstad Arena is torn down, bricks will be auctioned off one-by-one along with everything else in the building, until everything is gone, and the site is once again back to what it once was, an open grassy piece of land where the Fighting Sioux once lived.

Professional Hockey Game Ends In Tie

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pat-lafontaine

Bummer.

Edmonton, Alberta—A professional sporting event sadly ended in a tie, the Observer has learned. The Edmonton Oilers hosted Calgary Flames in a National Hockey League matchup last Saturday that unfortunately finished with a 0-0 score. Both teams took the ice for no reason.

The Flames rode their team charter bus all the way to Edmonton only for it not to matter. The game ended after three whole 20-minute periods, an overtime period and a shootout in which zero, count ’em, ZERO goals were scored. Buzzkill.

The finish to this colossal misuse of time was met with shrugs and eye-rolls from many fans and players in attendance. Calgary defenseman Pierre Svodba had his thoughts:

“I always love riding cramped in the back of a bus for 3 hours, especially when it’s for no good reason at all,” he remarked, frustrated. “A tie in sports is just ridiculous, eh? It’s like two guys winning the lottery but getting none of the money. It’s like sharing a bed with your sister. It’s like meeting the girl of your dreams, but she’s an alien freakazoid who lives on Mars. It’s like having sex but ejaculating into the garbage. A total waste.”

LEAKED: New University of North Dakota Team Logo/Nickname

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University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

Grand Forks, ND—Sources have confirmed the existence of a newly revamped UND sports team jersey! This photo, leaked by an insider at the University of North Dakota, shows a rough depiction of a team hockey jersey embroidered with the word SPERM and what appears to be a giant sperm whale.

Team executives have been working in conjunction with the NCAA to implement a new, contemporary, non-offensive nickname for the University. It looks like they’ve hit a home run here.

While this leaves virtually nothing to the imagination, we still have to speculate whether or not the next UND team nickname will be the Fighting Sperm Whales. All things considered, the whale species pictured is definitely a sperm whale, and the lettering above the whale is absolutely S-P-E-R-M.

This being said, sports team broadcast announcers are said to be working feverishly on new in-game catch phrases:

  • “Sperm slam it home!”
  • “That’s a whale of sperm!”
  • “Spermtastic!”
  • “Sperm gonna getcha!”
  • “When a man and a woman love each other very much…”
  • “Sperm found the egg! It’s all over!”

Locals are excited to finally have a nickname for their beloved team.

UND hockey fan Sandra Crabapple:

“Sperm whales? Cool! That’s not offensive or gross at all.”

UND football fan Terry Noisewater:

“I can’t wait to yell about sperm during games!”

While there is no timetable for the return of a team nickname and logo, this new evidence suggests we will be screaming the name of the mighty sperm whale sooner rather than later.