Tag Archives: minnesota

New FM Lakes Shuttle Service To Alleviate Weekend Traffic

Fargo-Moorhead providing shuttle service to and from "The Lakes".

Fargo-Moorhead providing shuttle service to and from “The Lakes”.

Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead Corporation will begin providing driverless shuttle service to the popular Minnesota lakes area in an effort to alleviate weekend traffic jams.

Pick up points in the FM area will be from all Sam’s Club and Walmart parking lots.

Shuttles will leave once every hour. The cost per person will be $15 or 10 Bitcoins.

Once all passengers are on board, smartphone GPS technology will automatically determine the quickest and best route based on everyone’s destination coordinates.

“We think this is a great plan based on the fact the everyone involved is trying to take credit for the idea,” said Shuttle Captain, Charlene Melacon.

Large Sinkhole Creates New Minnesota Lake: Lots Selling Quickly

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Minnesota: The Land Of 10,001 Lakes

Sinkhole, MN – After a large sinkhole unexpectedly created a new lake in Northern Minisoda, realtors are wasting no time selling front row seats to the new gem.

The sinkhole, which is approximately 166 feet deep, naturally filled with early melting Spring snow due to Global Warming.

Geologist Marc Richlander: “It is rare that we get to witness what normally takes a million geological years to happen, and see it all unfold in a matter of mere weeks.”

Realtor Paddy Swanson: “Yes, we’ve already sold zero lots on the new Sinkhole Lake and are expecting to sell a lot more!”

Minnesota DNR Field Commander: “We are hoping to get Sinkhole Lake stocked with fish and zebra mussels as soon as possible.”

Minnesota Tells Residents To Stick It To Fargo

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Minnesota State Fair to serve Fargo-On-A-Stick!

Fergus Falls, MN – Apparently not everyone in Minnesota loves Fargo as much as Fargo does.

Emotions seem to be running quite high after a Minnesota County Board made and seconded a motion to “Stick It To Fargo”.

All this comes at a major watershed moment for the rocky Minn-Kota relationship, which has seen some growing turbidity lately due to the controversial $1.8 billion Red River Diversion Project.

Minnesota’s hostile new campaign to “Stick It To Fargo” will unfortunately only muddy the waters and make matters worse, while Fargo considers its own reciprocal “Stick It To Minnesota” offensive.

Exceedingly Mediocre Restaurant Tip Goes Viral

applebeesCoon Rapids, Minn. — Applebee’s waitress Nicole MaHobbes’s Tuesday night shift ended in misery after she received a tip so extremely average that it could only be explained as “an obvious insult.”

The $6.17 left on a $35.26 check, a tip of exactly %17.5, left MaHobbes infuriated and confused.

“I just don’t understand it,” MaHobbes said. “I gave grade-A service according to the Applebee’s handbook and I get left with this. I ususally get fifteen percent from total jerks and twenty percent from nice folks, but seventeen percent — that’s just cruel. How am I supposed to judge my customers based on that?”

Tipping has been a hot topic lately as servers continue to post pictures of their tips on social media. Some enjoy exceedingly generous tips while others are left with goose-eggs, but very few are left with the empty feeling MaHobbes experienced.

“People don’t understand that servers rely on tips that people leave us,” she said. “If you add six dollars from that tip to the seven that I’m making per hour, that’s only thirteen dollars an hour. How can I live off that? Plus I have other tables to worry about. People just don’t account for the stress of having so many tips to calculate in a day.”

Floor manager Gary Gubiak was alerted of the insulting gratuity shortly after it was left, and was able to track down the couple that left it.

“The customers, who shall remain unnamed, claim that they always leave exactly seventeen point five percent,” he said. “The Johnson’s told me that they feel seventeen point five is highest amount they feel comfortable with and they carry a calculator to leave the exact amount. I didn’t buy Rick and Diana’s charade, but instinctively gave them a free dessert to take home and two ten dollar gift cards to ensure a future visit.”

The Johnson’s wish to remain anonymous, but agreed to comment on their visit to Applebee’s.

“Diana and I thought the service and the food was good, but not outstanding,” Rick Gerald Johnson of 5689 Roark Avenue, Coon Rapids, MN said. “We had decent food at a decent price, so we left a decent tip. We didn’t mean to leave any emotions with our six dollars and seventeen cents.”

The incident sparked by unknown customers Rick and Diana Johnson, parents of Josh, Paula and Natalie Johnson who graduated from Coon Rapids High School, sparked fury from the service industry workers across the country.

“I don’t know who these ‘Johnson’s that attend Mount Calvary Luther Church every Sunday at eight o’clock’ are, but their actions will not go unnoticed” Nashville Applebee’s server Tom Babcock said. “You do the math America. Servers only get seven dollars an hour. Now add horrible tips like six dollars, times three tables and hour, and we can only add eighteen dollars to our wage per hour. Who can live off of twenty five dollars an hour? I have a cat to feed!”

On the other hand, the AARP claims that senior citizens are living off a fixed income and should diligently watch their monthly spending.

“I wish senior citizens could make twenty five dollars an hour,” AARP spokesmen Arty Betker said. “We live off an average of eight dollars an hour and now we get criticized for leaving a six dollar tip? That’s…. We gotta stop these damn kids from skateboarding on the sidewalk!”

 

City of Hawley to Construct Hawley-Wood Dock Of Fame

Dock of Fame prototype

Dock of Fame prototype

Hawley, MN—Taking a page from the Hollywood textbook of glitz and glamour, the city of Hawley, Minnesota will be constructing their own living, commemorative outdoor museum entitled the Hawley-Wood Dock of Fame. A gigantic, sprawling multi-level wooden boat dock made from carvings depicting various lake-related accomplishments will be built on Silver Lake as a moving tribute to those who have attained them.

The city council sees this as a fantastic opportunity to attract tourism to Hawley. Statewide fishing records and various water sport records will adorn the magnificent dock that officials hope will turn into the Hollywood Walk of Fame of the North.

Hawley Mayor Thamis Gwayrod shared his enthusiasm. “People from miles around will come see our soon-to-be historic Dock of Fame. State records like Biggest Bass, Largest Lake Trout, Wildest Walleye, Meatiest Muskie, Nastiest Northern, Highest Water Ski Jump and Most Consecutive Wakeboard Flips will all adorn our proud dock. If you build it, they will come and with a name like Hawley-Wood, who could say no?”

City officials are now taking applications from all who would like to lend their woodcarving talents to this wondrous memorial. Construction is set to begin in August.

Beautiful Meadow A Killing Field For LandShark

Don't be deceived by the tranquil appearance of this lovely meadow.

Don’t be deceived by the tranquil appearance of this lovely meadow.

Meadowlands, MN – We are standing at the spot of a LandShark attack.

Some call it the Bermuda Triangle of the North. Others simply call it the LandShark Lunchroom.

Is this for real or just another Facebook Folklore?

Dr. Scarlet Tanager says it is as real as real mayonnaise. “If you got fatally stung by a jellyfish, would that be real?” she asks.

Dr. Tanager, a leading LandShark expert, describes them as having the size of BigFoot, the personality of an African Killer Bee, and more teeth than a Denture Factory.

But why Minnesota? Dr. Tanager says it’s all about the element of surprise. “It would be similar to getting hit by a train, when you’re not even standing on railroad tracks.”

Because of the recent LandShark attacks, Minnesota children no longer go outdoors to play.

A common reason to stay inside is: “I want to play video games and update my Facebook page.” What they’re really saying is: “There’s no fricking way I am going to be an appetizer for a LandShark on the loose!”

Downer Changing Its Name To Xanax

Time for a name change...from Downer to Xanax.

Time for a name change…from Downer to Xanax.

Downer, MN – The sleepy town of Downer, Minnesota says it is time for a name change. All seven residents voted unanimously to change the name from Downer to Xanax.

The mayor of Downer, speaking from his basement couch, said: “The name Downer has served us well for hundreds of years, but it is time for a new beginning. As of January 1st, 2017, I will certify that the official new name of our town will be Xanax. We believe Xanax will more aptly reflect the feeling and energy level of this humble little community.”

If you are a person who suffers from panic attacks, anxious insomnia, or are just clinically depressed, Xanax might just be the place for you.

Please call 9-1-1 if you start to develop hives, or you can no longer breathe, or if your face and lips begin to swell up.

Stop living in Xanax if you have constant thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself.

Xanax might not be the best place for you if you no longer fear danger and your behavioral patterns swing toward unusual risk-taking, coupled with profound confusion and hyperactivity.

Have someone call a doctor if hallucinations lead to hostility and unnecessary agitation.

If you think you might pass out, or find that you can no longer urinate, it might not have been such a good idea to move to Xanax in the first place.

christian ponder

Christain Ponder To Play Kicker

christian ponderMinneapolis, MN  – Exciting and unusual news coming out of the Minnesota Vikings camp this morning.  The word on the street is that Christian Ponder will give up his quarterback position to play Kicker.

Leslie Frazier confirmed the news just this morning.

“We feel Christian Ponder is a great quarterback but an even greater kicker.  That is why, as of this morning, Christian Ponder will be our full-time kicker,” Frazier stated.

I asked how this position and Ponder came about in which he replied, “After seeing him kick the ball around out of frustration during training camp, I knew he’d make a great kicker.”

Joe Webb from quarterback to wide receiver.  Christian Ponder from quarterback to kicker.  The Vikings sure have a unique drafting strategy.

Oh yea, did anyone tell Leslie Frazier his new helmets don’t match the rest of the uniform?  Who’s smoking what in Minneapolis?

At least Mr. Ponder will have a better chance of scoring as a kicker then as a quarterback.

American Crystal Sugar Strike

Crookston Bishop To Host Prayer Service Sunday For American Crystal Workers Dispute

Crookston, MN – Bishop Michael Hoeppner, head of the Catholic Diocese of Crookston is coming to the rescue.  Bishop Michael has stated that he has seen the destruction and carnage strikes and disputes can cause.

“I’ve seen this before” Bishop Hoeppner stated.  “You have two groups that disagree for so long they end up wanting to kill each other.  I’ve seen it in the movies.”  That’s why it’s important to pray that such conflicts don’t arise out of the dispute between American Crystal Co. and the Bakery Workers union, he said.

It’s been nearly 10 months since union members rejected Crystal management’s proposed five-year contract.  The bishop is hosting a prayer service Sunday in Crookston, MN and will be inviting his own gang members Bishop Larry Wohlrabe of the Northwestern Minnesota Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America and the Rev. Daniel Wolpert of Crookston Presbyterian Church.

He stated that in case things get out of hand, he will at least have more priests on his side to fight the resistance.  “I might have to end up using my mind powers and the power of prayer to fight back if trouble were to arise” he stated.

One thing he did want to make sure everyone is aware of is that there will be donation boxes every 10ft on the way to the church.  “Jesus needs a new car” he said.

 

If you go

What: Prayer service for the resolution of the American Crystal labor dispute

When: 7 p.m. Sunday

Where: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception, 702 Summit Ave. in Crookston

Info: Everyone is welcome (bring your wallets preferably with a lot of money)

 

Super AIDS, living zombies, stupid fucks breeding in record numbers, Alotta Fagina the local prostitute who can’t perform her job in peace and quiet without getting arrested,  are a few other prayer service ideas.

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Jesus Arrested For Disorderly Conduct. Caught Mowing Lawn In Loin Cloth.

Fergus Falls, MN – Jesus who currently is parading around as a 43 year-old named Matthew Swanson, was arrested for disorderly conductfergus_falls_loin_cloth_Matthew_Swanson Wednesday afternoon while mowing the lawn in a loin cloth.  It is believed that the Jesus part of Jesus got the better of him and he slipped out of disguise for a brief moment which led to the loin cloth mowing incident.

Neighbors reported seeing a man resembling Jesus, mowing his lawn with his balls swinging about in the wind.  Once police arrived, Jesus just casually continued to mow the lawn with balls in full swinging motion yelling obscenities towards the police.  Jesus apparently dislikes the police as much as us humans.  He just wouldn’t stop which led to the arrest.