I can do whatever I want because I am President and I have all these pens.
Washington, DC – Not to be outdone by Governor Jerry Brown in California, President Obama just signed into law via another Executive Order, a new law which mandates that all 57 states increase their minimum wage to $30 per hour by the year 2040.
If that seems like a big increase, the President defends it by pointing out that it’s less than a dollar per year: “It comes out to only 83.3 cents per year, aaaand, I would bet that most people have 83 cents underneath their couch cushions”, says Obama.
But what about the issue of Big Government dictating yet another unfunded mandate to the private sector which in reality will cause many businesses to cut staff or even close their doors permanently?
To that, the President retorts: “Big Government is always willing to help. In this case, we can provide another bail-out program to assist struggling businesses, or with the stroke of my pens, I can sign another Executive Order which will disallow businesses to cut staff aaaand permanently close their doors.”
Triple the cost = Triple the joy
Christmas, FL – It’s about that time of year again to go buy a Christmas tree for your ho-ho-home.
Most of Santa’s helpers will be purchasing a real tree, that died for your sins.
Others will be bringing home an artificial tree made from unknown toxic chemicals in some polluted Chinese factory.
Either way, expect the final cost of your Christmas tree to be tripled thanks to President Obama’s Christmas Tree Tax.
Here’s how it works: Let’s say for example, a Christmas tree that normally would have cost $50 will now only cost you a mere $150.
In the name of Climate Change, this past executive order by former President Obama will provide him and his family a nice, much-needed, and much-deserved Christmas bonus each and every Christmas for the rest of their lives.
Say hello to the next Speaker of the House!
Framingham, MA – Bose has been named the next Speaker of the House.
With the power vacuum left by resigning John Boehner and now unfilled by indecisive Republicans, President Obama has used his growing Executive Action Authority to name Bose as the next Speaker of the House.
Democratics agree that Bose is the best and logical choice for Speaker of the House and praise President Obama’s wisdom and leadership during these difficult and unchartered times.
As Speaker of the House, Bose will be second in line to become president, after Vice President Biden.
Despite the fact that Bose is a privately held company, its stock value tripled on the news that Bose is the next Speaker of the House.
Right this way to the golf course, Your Popeness!
Washington, DC – After spending a busy day visiting with everyone from top Catholic bishops down to some lowly pawns and paupers, Pope Francis was challenged by President Obama to a friendly round of golf by way of a short ride on Marine One.
As many people know (or don’t know), the Pope is an avid golfer.
The Pope has played many a round of golf with fellow Argentinian Angel Cabrera, who has won both the U.S. Open and the Masters, after having received some helpful golf tips (and spiritual guidance) from the Pope.
Both Pope Frank and President Obama are expected to attend the upcoming world leaders’ invitational golf event in Russia called Puttin’ With Putin.
Don’t drool on me!
Arlington, VA – After addressing the nation during a somber Memorial Day service at Arlington National Cemetery, the ever-popular President Obama was jumped by a crazed, young Tea Party organizer.
Parker Cornell, of Hubert, North Carolina, successfully attempted to attack the president, in spite of a number of Secret Service agents who were surrounding the president at the time.
After jumping onto President Obama’s upper chest, young Parker quickly grabbed and scratched the president’s nose while drooling on his shirt.
Apparently Mr. Cornell (age 4.5 months) was upset about his Tea Party group being audited by the IRS, after the IRS had initially delayed the group’s application to become a tax-exempted 501(c)(4).
Parker’s parents told reporters that their son had been unusually quiet earlier that day and they had no idea of his planned presidential assault.
As a Class D felony, this crime is punishable by five to ten years in a federal prison, along with a maximum fine of $250,000.
When asked about this incident, young Parker held up a sign saying he cannot yet speak English. He also indicated that this would not be the last we hear from this young, right-wing zealot.