Tag Archives: red light

West Fargo Couple Dies In Car While Waiting For Traffic Light To Turn Green

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When the red light finally turned green, both the driver and passenger were no more.

West Fargo, ND – In a stunningly slow turn of events, an older West Fargo couple died while waiting for a red light to turn green.

Leth and Helt Ringgold had pulled up to a red traffic light which recently had been having some functionality “issues”.

Unfortunately for the Ringgolds, the red light took an extraordinarily long time to change to green.

By the time they finally got the signal to proceed through the intersection, both Leth and Helt Ringgold had passed on, gone bye-bye, kicked the bucket, gone upstairs, breathed their last, met their maker, checked out, bit the dust.

The West Fargo Street Department has apologized for this sad mishap and promised to check each and every traffic light to make sure something like this does not happen again.

Interestingly, both Leth Ringgold and Helt Ringgold can be re-arranged into: Long Red Light!

All North Dakotans Now Required To Take An Annual Mental Examination

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After being mentally evaluated, every North Dakotan will be ranked as either Green, Yellow, or Red

Green=Fine Yellow=OK Red=Bad

Bismarck, ND – With much of the national discussion being focused on mental health, North Dakota will proactively soon begin annually checking the mental health of each and every one of its citizens.

A new task force called MIND (Mentally Interrogating North Dakota) will do a thorough evaluation of all North Dakotans on their half birthdays.

Based on the official results of their mental examination, every person in North Dakota, over the age of nine (9) will be given one of three possible rankings:

Green Light: You are fine. No major mental problems were detected. See you again in one year, on your next half birthday. (For example: If your birthday is on April 15th, your mandatory mental exams will be every October 15th.)

Yellow Light: Some concerns were detected based on your responses to questions selected especially for you. You will need to be put on a MIND Watch List and retested monthly, until you are hopefully upgraded to a Green Light.

Red Light: A likely problematical situation was detected. You will be held for further testing to determine the magnitude of the problem. For your convenience, padded shuttle buses heading to Jamestown will be standing by.

Lottery Winner On Way To Collect Jackpot Killed By Distracted Driver

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Lucky to have won the lottery jackpot but then unlucky to have gotten hit by a distracted driver.

Bismarck, ND – Ty Barich was excitedly on his way to collect his jackpot millions after repeatedly checking his winning lottery ticket with his pregnant wife.

While crossing the street en route to the lottery headquarters, Mr. Barich got hit by a distracted driver who decided it was more important to text “LOL” to his friend rather than stop at a red light and look for any pedestrians crossing the street on a green light.

Now, because a dummkopf distracted driver thinking that texting a short quick message on his smartphone was more important than paying attention to being in control of his moving motorized vehicle, another innocent person’s life is unncessarily altered or even taken away from them and their family.

The North Dakota legislature is now considering increasing the penalty for distracted driving to either life behind bars (with no access to a smartphone) or quickly being put in front of a firing squad composed of people who have been negatively affected by a distracted driver.

Ironically, all of the letters in “Ty Barich” can be re-arranged to spell: Hit by car!

Anti-Distracted Driver Movement Gaining Steam

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Distracted Driver = No Driver

Hawley, MN – Just imagine you’re completely stopped at a red light and a distracted driver (who later claims he didn’t see you) rear-ends your vehicle at 50 mph without ever even slamming on the brakes.

This is happening more and more to more and more people every day.

The time to end distracted driving is now.

A new anti-distracted driver group calling itself B.A.D.D. (Berate All Distracted Drivers) is encouraging everyone who sees any sort of distracted driver to honk your frickin’ horn long and loud at distracted drivers in order to 1. wake them out of their stupor, 2. scold them for putting anything else as higher priority than driving, and 3. hopefully avoid them ramming into you or the person in front of them, or flattening a child running out onto the street unexpectedly.

A vehicle traveling at 50 mph is moving at 75 feet per second and if a distracted driver happens to be behind the wheel, that vehicle may as well be driven by a blind-folded drunk monkey.