Tag Archives: religious freedom

Some Religious Groups Demanding Statue Of David Wear Some Clothes

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Many devoutly religious people are quite offended by Michelangelo’s David being totally buck naked.

Florence, South Dakota – Many religious groups are now demanding that all statues of David be “properly clothed” so as to not offend onlookers.

Leo Gleichman, after seeing David, commented: “Perhaps this would’ve been OK back when times were different, but in today’s society, this is just plain offensive.”

Loli McGeehan, who couldn’t leave the statue of David fast enough, barked: “I haven’t been this offended since the first slow dance at my high school prom!”

Ameen Coghill strongly thinks: “This statue should either be draped with large curtains, or immediately removed and destroyed.”

Alice Engholm, who thought she had seen it all, noted: “The statue of David is very large, but why does he have to be so fracking naked? Someone needs to get that boy some clothes!”

Ironically, the letters in the names of all the people we interviewed can be re-arranged to spell: Michelangelo!

Solar Eclipse Cancelled As Some Find It To Be Offensive

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Since it’s a religious experience to some, others find solar eclipse to be offensive to their beliefs.

Sunbeam, Idaho – So as to not be offensive to people of certain religious beliefs, the solar eclipse has been cancelled by federal and state authorities.

While statues of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln are being pulled down because of their political incorrectness, the once-in-a-lifetime solar eclipse has now been cancelled after a number of religious leaders cried foul.

One politician wearing a Donald Trump mask in order to remain anonymous explained that by officially cancelling the solar eclipse, his chances of getting re-elected next year might improve with the voters in his district.

So, for all of you who purchased special glasses from Amazon for watching the solar eclipse, it’s not too late to return those via drone.

Now that the eclipse has officially been cancelled, this will give the country more time to tear down more monuments to our offensive past such as the Jefferson Memorial and the Washington Monument. Oh, and Mount Rushmore, you can run but you can’t hide, because they’re coming for you too.

FMO’s BiWeekly Public Service Announcements

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Contact FMO’s PSA Department if you have something to add to our next PSA listing.

West Fargo, ND – Here is this biweekly’s rendition of your FM Observer’s mandatory Public Service Announcements, offered freely to you, our beloved readers, under the strict strictures of the PSA Regulatory Council of America, Section VI, Code 9, Clausette B-12, where it clearly states: Thou shalt offer thy beloved readers free Public Service Announcements of your own volition and in accordance with The Regulatory Council of America.

Here are your Public Service Announcements for the week of January 7-18, 2017 (in some particular order):

☺Edna Adams will be hosting a Book Discussion Club in her basement on Tuesdays. The first book Edna would like to discuss is The Bible.

☺Carl Doofkins has a rabbit he would like to find a home for. The Doofster says it makes a good pet or tastes great sauted in a white wine garlic deglaze.

☺Melvin and Marvin Hankster want to sell everything in their basement. They do not believe their black mold problem should negatively affect anything down there.

☺Arlene Sorna would like to thank everyone for helping look for her cat. Unfortunately, Felixia was picked up by a bald eagle and taken to an undisclosed location.

☺Glenn and Marleen Gagsetter will be hosting a family getogether in their garage on Sunday. Please bring a treat to share while remembering that Marleen is gluten-free and Glenn is glutton-free.

☺Jeni Topkins is offering baby-sitting services to help pay for her trip to Colorado.

☺Alvin Damner is looking for a replacement chainsaw blade for his Model 1100 X-Pro after his last one came flying off while Alvin was trying to jimmy-rig his galvanized steel compression pipes.

☺The graduation party for Tim Nugator has been postponed again since it does not look like graduation will be in Tim’s near future.

☺Max Glanders thinks he might have lost his cellphone near The Northern Gentlemen’s Club. Please call Max if you found it. Max’s cellphone number is: 555-555-5555.

☺Doreen Bunglower will not be hosting Bridge Club on Wednesday because she wants to watch the Harry Conick Jr. television show that day since Michael Bolton is the scheduled special guest.

☺In honor of Sid Bumer’s 90th birthday, his family is planning a surprise party for Sid. All guests are asked to dress in crazy costumes and wait quietly in the dining room until Sid wakes up from his afternoon nap.

First Visionary Church Offers Portal To God

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Pastor Leary says that people today are looking for a new kind of church experience.

Fargo, ND – An alternative church is being started in the Fargo-Moorhead area. Members of the new First Visionary Church will strongly be encouraged to use psychedelic drugs to get closer to God. Pastor Tim Leary believes this is what many people are seeking today.

Pastor Leary says the whole concept is based on a wealth of knowledge gleaned from native American Indian religious practices. “By opening a direct mind-portal to God, you can then generate authentic visions from your own personal God experiences”, preaches Pastor Leary.

“Through carefully controlled usage of psychoactive substances such as mescaline, peyote, and psilocybin mushrooms, our church members can find what they’re looking for and then come back to share their personal revelations in the fellowship hall with some hot coffee and cookies”, he explains.

Interestingly, the freedom of religion clause in the U.S. constitution allows church congregations to use drugs that would normally be against federal law, as long as it is done “as part of an actual worship service or other legitimate church activity”.

If you would like more information about First Visionary Church or are interested in becoming a charter member, please call 1-800-MUSHROOM and ask for Pastor Tim Leary, who says: “If you like listening to Pink Floyd, you will love this church!”