Tag Archives: stealing

New Home Radar System Detects And Then Detains Package Stealers

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Detect & Detain with the Hatchett Protection System!

Fargo, ND – A new home property protection system developed by a Fargo inventor will safely protect your delivered packages on your front door step until you get home.

Dr. Nacci Hatchett’s system includes radar detection for your entire property along with the ability to completely detain the culprits with a variety of non-lethal weapons.

Once your Hatchett Protection System determines that a prowler (and not your spouse) is stealing an outdoor package, you can choose to have the intruder strongly bound by a system of bolas, tazed, netted, caged, or all of these (in the exact same order).

Dr. Hatchett’s system then automatically calls the police who will respond with an aggressively hungry K-9 unit.

Since North Dakota leads the nation in stolen packages, this new Hatchett Protection System is sure to sell like hotcakes with warm maple syrup.

Ironically, all the letters in Nacci Hatchett can be re-arranged to spell: Catch In The Act!

Shoplifter Sentenced To Twenty Years At The West Acres Mall

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Just imagine having to spend 20 years in the West Acres Mall…without ever leaving!

Fargo, ND – A chronic shoplifter who recently was caught stealing twenty items from the West Acres Mall has been given an unusual sentence for her crime.

A creative judge has handed Hope Flirts a punishment of twenty consecutive years of confinement in the West Acres Mall.

Hope in her own words: “Well, what the hell? Quite frankly, I would rather spend twenty years in a normal prison than be stuck in the fricking West Acres Mall for twenty fracking years! Do you know what I’m saying?”

Ms. Flirts who is now 45 years old will not be allowed to physically leave the West Acres Mall until she is ready to retire at the ripe old age of 65.

If she is caught stealing just one item during the next 20 years, she will then be invited to finish out the remainder of her sentence at Alcatraz.

Ironically, all the letters in Hope Flirts can be re-arranged to spell: Shoplifter!

Selling Stolen Pets Becoming Big Business

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Your little Trixy could be sold multiple times at underground pet auctions.

Fargo, ND – More and more people in the Fargo-Moorhead area are having their pets stolen. If this isn’t bad enough, these pets are then sold multiple times at underground pet auctions, sometimes while having to wear funny costumes.

The Sheriff’s office says some of the “bad people” are claiming lost pets, getting them from the humane society, or just stealing them from running unlocked cars or out of fenced back yards.

We were able to witness an underground pet auction while wearing a Donald Trump mask. At this auction we saw one small Shih-Tzu originally named Trixy sold as Biscuits for $100, then again by that buyer as Bingo for $200, and then again by that buyer as Flex for $350.

Apparently during winter months, after a dog or cat is stolen, they are then quickly transported through a series of snow tunnels. The problem is getting so bad that some people are hiring guard dogs to protect their pets, but those too are getting stolen.

We asked the Sheriff and one of his deputies what the answer is to this pervasive problem? Their answer was, at least during the winter months, to not allow systems of snow tunnels to be built within city limits.

When learning about how wide-spread the problem is, the astounding number of pets being stolen shocked the Sheriff, but did not shock the deputy.