Tag Archives: taser

New Home Radar System Detects And Then Detains Package Stealers

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Detect & Detain with the Hatchett Protection System!

Fargo, ND – A new home property protection system developed by a Fargo inventor will safely protect your delivered packages on your front door step until you get home.

Dr. Nacci Hatchett’s system includes radar detection for your entire property along with the ability to completely detain the culprits with a variety of non-lethal weapons.

Once your Hatchett Protection System determines that a prowler (and not your spouse) is stealing an outdoor package, you can choose to have the intruder strongly bound by a system of bolas, tazed, netted, caged, or all of these (in the exact same order).

Dr. Hatchett’s system then automatically calls the police who will respond with an aggressively hungry K-9 unit.

Since North Dakota leads the nation in stolen packages, this new Hatchett Protection System is sure to sell like hotcakes with warm maple syrup.

Ironically, all the letters in Nacci Hatchett can be re-arranged to spell: Catch In The Act!

Fargo Approves Taser Drones For Use In High Crime Areas

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Don’t taze me, drone!

Fargo, ND – Local police are celebrating the approval of new technology that promises to make fighting crime a little easier and a whole lot safer. City government has finally given a green light to the much anticipated Taser Administering Drone Army, or TADA. The fleet of 25 drones will soon be buzzing over crime-ridden neighborhoods where traditional law enforcement measures have been largely unsuccessful.

“Oh these little buggers are game changers,” raves Police Chief Warren Peese. “My men will soon be able to zap slimeballs silly without having to put down their donuts. The beauty is, the criminals will never see it coming. One minute they’re selling a bag of crack and the next…wham, they’re flopping around on the ground like a fish out of water. TADA!”

The drones, which are roughly the size of a shoebox, are equipped with surveillance cameras and long-range tasers that can be deployed wirelessly from a remote location. “These suckers have about a half-mile range,” says Peese. “In other words, there’s really nowhere to hide. Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when we aim at you?”

Asked about the drones’ accuracy, Peese admits, “Well, it’s not 100%. Heck, it’s not even 90%. Our guess is, though, that if you’re close enough to a criminal to get tased, you’re probably up to no good, and we’re ok with those odds. Also, if we hit the wrong target, there’s a slick little retract button that sucks that taser up like nothing ever happened. Problem solved. TADA!”

An inside source reveals that local networks are close to reaching a deal with police to broadcast live TADA taser action on a local area TV channel. Could be lots of fun to watch! Stay tuned to the FM Observer for details.