Area Man 3-D Prints Lusty, Dead-Eyed Carpool Lane Passenger

July 7th, 2015 | by Nick

Officer poses with “Moana”

Fargo, ND—The good ol’ high-occupancy vehicle (HOV) lane. It’s what all solo drivers long for during that treacherous afternoon commute. Do you ever wish you could drive freely down the wide-open carpool lane during rush hour traffic instead of pulling out your eyeballs and putting them back in their sockets as you sit there aging ungracefully during a traffic jam? Well, much to the chagrin of the Fargo Police Department, one area man made that wish come true with the use of a 3-D printer.

Ealio Sappsinbush, 34, was cited late yesterday afternoon for operating on an excluded byway when an officer noticed the cold, blank stare of a not unattractive mannequin in his front passenger seat. Sappsinbush stated that yes, the mannequin was in fact not an actual person, but a 3-D printed representation of his ex-girlfriend Moana. “I take Moana with me everywhere. Sometimes she’s tied up in the trunk; other times she sits shotgun while I speed down the HOV lane. It is with Moana whom I travel. Her empty, callous expression by my side always.”

Officers were not as impressed with his use of a fake carpool lane passenger as they were with his 3-D printed rendering of his ex. “The thoughtfulness and detail that the perp used to construct his HOV passenger is actually pretty impressive,” said officer Xanver McLorg. “After a few minutes of peering longingly into Moana’s seductive gaze, I felt like giving myself to her instead giving them a citation.”

Sappsinbush was forced to turn his beloved Moana over to police in addition to paying the $150 ticket.


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Nick

Co-Founder at FM Observer
Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.