Chris Christie: “I want to eat more voters in 2014”

December 31st, 2013 | by Nick

Cannibal? Or just hungry?

The FM Observer was granted permission to speak with currently-seated New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R). In a recently staged phone interview, the Observer asked a series of questions pertaining to his political practice, a future presidential run, and the status of hurricane Sandy relief:

FM Observer: First and foremost, as many in the political circle are wondering, are you preparing a campaign for President in 2016?

Governor Christie: “President Christie. That has a nice ring to it! But we’ll see. Nothing engraved in stone at this time.”

FMO: In your opinion, is humanity as a whole moving in a positive or negative direction?

GC: “I think that from a political standpoint, we, as a species, are stagnating. There have been equal amounts of progression and regression—specifically in the realm of human rights—abortion rights and gay rights in particular. With all due respect to our political party and the GOP, I have to say we’ve been sticking our pudgy little sausage fingers where they might not belong. That’s something I intend to work on in my political future.”

FMO: What has been your biggest accomplishment so far?

GC: Let’s see (long pause)…my cooperation with President Obama during the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy was huge for me. A republican working alongside a disgustingly liberal democratic President to provide quick and sustainable emergency relief to the citizens of our great state was pretty remarkable.”

FMO: The end of 2013 is upon us, and what a year it’s been. Moving forward, what key political strategy would you like to employ as governor in 2014?

GC: “I want to reach out directly to the residents of New Jersey. I want to try to be more accessible, you know? I want to eat more voters in 2014. No, i’m sorry. Scratch that, ha ha—I want to meet more voters in 2014 (BURP). Oh my god, I can’t believe…I… i’m so embarrassed.”

A classic Freudian slip from Governor Christie, who has admittedly struggled with weight gain in recent years. Christie apologized profusely for the slip, reiterating that he does not wish to consume human flesh. He then stated off-the-record that he was distracted over the loss of hit television show “Breaking Bad” and the elimination of many starches from his diet. He then ended the interview.

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Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.