New Crest Brownstrips Promise “Authentic British Smile”

March 9th, 2014 | by Kitz
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Fee, Fie, Foe, Fum, I want the smile of an Englishman!

Cincinnati, OH – As fans of Downton Abbey will tell you, Americans can’t get enough of the Brits these days.  It seems our country has fallen hard for all things English.  From their pompous literary intellect to their notoriously bad teeth, we’re in love.  And in America, where there’s love, there’s….you guessed it: a huge corporation looking for a cash cow.

Procter & Gamble hopes to have found just that with its newest product, Crest Brownstrips.  Similar to its popular Whitestrips, Crest’s Brownstrips offer customers a whole new experience in what marketers are calling “customized enamel expression”.  Instead of whitening the teeth, Crest Brownstrips are designed to give the user’s smile a more British look by “antiquing” the enamel to a yellowish-brown color in just two weeks.  “You’ll see some flecks of gray mixed in with the ochre tones,” says product designer, Jillian Stanes.  “We’ve even included a unique blend of botanicals which will give the teeth a sort of gummy look as opposed to the clean, smooth appearance that comes with good dental hygiene.  It’s super realistic looking.”

P&G CEO, Oliver Lemmon, explains, “The dental customer today is searching for an individualized mouth appearance which reflects his interests and beliefs.  A stained, gnarly smile says ‘I’m bonkers for Brits’ in a totally unique way.  Crest is committed to meeting our customers’ needs, and according to our attorneys, we should be OK doing that with Brownstrips.”

A source inside Crest labs reports that its chemists are working around the clock to create a rainbow of other Strip options.  Rumored shades include Avatar Blue, Glow-in-the-dark Neon, Hannibal Lecter Red, and Meth Mouth Medley.  “We think Crest Brownstrips are the beginning of something really special,” says Lemmon.  “One day soon, you’ll be able to just open your mouth and let people know who you are without the hassle of speaking.  According to our attorneys, we should be OK saying we think that’s pretty neat.”

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Contributing writer since February, 2014.