Rash of Burglaries Confounds Police in Little Rock, AR

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Police have a real head scratcher on their hands.

Little Rock, AR – Local police are dealing with what may be one of the worst outbreaks in recent memory. A highly contagious rash of burglaries is plaguing the precinct, causing symptoms ranging from intense itching to intense scratching. “The situation is bad, real bad,” claims Officer Stu Pittery. “Makes my skin crawl, it really does. We gotta get a handle on this, and right soon. It’s like chiggers gone wild up in here.”

The problem began on a day like any other. “I was out on patrol when I seen the first signs,” remembers Bubba Briggs, a deputy sheriff. “I saw this masked man running from a house carrying a pretty good sized flatscreen tv. It seemed kinda weird, but I just kept watchin’ him. Anyhoo, after a few minutes I happened to catch a look at myself in the cruiser’s rear view. I’ll be danged if my upper lip wasn’t just covered in red bumps. Well, then it started to itch. That rash was fixin’ to spread, right there under my nose. Sweet Delilah, I hightailed it back to the station faster than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest. I got like a sixth sense about things, and I just knew this weren’t good.”

Upon arriving at police headquarters, deputy Briggs’ keen suspicions were confirmed. The rash had indeed spread, making its way through the precinct virtually unchecked. The rapid progression has prompted city leaders to consider quarantining the station while they search for a solution. They are also going to consider changing “search for a solution” to “have us a bourbon”.

In a recently released statement, Police Chief Rufus Jackson attempted to calm the public. “Y’all don’t worry now, we’ll be all right. But this here rash is spreading faster than Tums at a chili cookoff. What we’re aimin’ for now is to try and get to the source. Best we can tell, there’s a masked man out there infecting our community. Every last one of my men done seen him haulin’ valuables around town and then, bang, they got the itch. We think he’s gotta be somehow connected, but it’s a head-scratcher. I ain’t never seen no rash of burglaries like this here. God as my witness, not never.”

Asked to comment, Little Rock Mayor Winston Abbott said simply, “Aw hell, I’m sure this will all be over soon. Them boys’ll be back fightin’ crime ‘fore they know it. I’ve had my share of rashes over the years, and I’m tellin’ you this’ll be gone faster than a Pabst Blue Ribbon at a Nascar race, mark my words. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return a call from the county vet. Somethin’ about the canine unit havin’ fleas or some tarnation.”

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Contributing writer since February, 2014.