Dallas, TX—Certifiably intimidating screen actor Vin Diesel, in Dallas filming the newest installment of The Fast & Furious movie franchise, has reportedly stonewalled a potential ebola infection.
Diesel, who we’re all aware that if you rearrange the letters in his name it reveals his credo: I END LIVES, apparently came into close contact with an ambulance containing the nurse who got infected with ebola a few days ago. As the ambulance rolled past the closed-off streetside action scene, big Vin caught a whiff of the ebola and sneered in its direction, instantly scaring it far away from himself and his fellow cast and crew members.
“Vinny intimidated the ebola into submission, man,” said co-star Michelle Rodriguez. “That ebola never had a chance, man.”
Diesel has thus far been able to keep cast and crew immune to the virus during their stay in Dallas.
Fast & Furious 7 is scheduled for release in April 2015.
New York, NY—In an ongoing measure to protect the quarterback and reduce the amount of on-field concussions, the NFL is giving its offenses a huge advantage by allowing them to use 12 players as opposed to the defense’s 11.
The change, it seems, is meant to provide the QB with an extra blocker to make the pocket safer, but the new rule does not state that a team must deploy a lineman. “I hope–HOPE–that teams will utilize the 12th player as a 6th offensive lineman, but hey, i’m not in the locker room…i’m not in the huddle,” says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. This means teams can get creative by adding either an extra position player or simply letting movie badass Vin Diesel roam the field freely in an “enforcer” type of role.
This move serves as a way to give both fans and the league what they want: more Vin Diesel and less player health lawsuits. “Being hit with lawsuits sucks. Have you ever been hit with a lawsuit? That shit hurts,” remarked NFL spokesman Greg Aiello. “Big Government is going to send us to the hospital if the lawsuits keep collectively kicking our ass. Come on, man. We just want to give the fans football. And Vin Diesel.”