The Northern To Begin Drug Testing Female Dancers

April 25th, 2016 | by Nick
The Northern Fargo North Dakota

Wanted: Elevated levels (of talent)

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s only gentlemen’s club is undergoing a drastic change in worker policy. Club Northern has vowed to begin drug testing female talent, but with a catch: To comply with this zany new policy, dancers must FAIL the test.

Newly-appointed club manager Lucian Dontabulo refused to comment. “No comment,” he said. He then went on to say “I don’t want my dancers coming in here clean. Every dancer I’ve ever managed has been on something. Dirty dancers print money. They make it rain like the Amazon, bro. Just sayin’ — don’t bring the juice unless it’s tainted.”

New hire eligibility is now contingent on a drug test containing greater than trace amounts of any narcotic.

Current dancers will be tested at random, once every month. Those who fail will be rewarded the usual stipend. Those who pass will be written up with a warning. Three consecutive warnings will get you 86’d.

This controversial new policy does not apply to amateur night contestants. Any random who’s brave enough to jump up there and swing on the pole is still welcome to try it.

The Northern does not enforce said testing policy nor does it employ the club manager referred to therein. This post is satire.

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Nick

Co-Founder at FM Observer
Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.