Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Two Dead After Facebook Comment Section Argument Escalates

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Fargo, ND—A local news outlet’s facebook comment thread got a little out of hand late yesterday. What started out as a simple weather forecast status update found itself turned into a battleground for what onlookers thought would develop into World Wide Web War III.

The news station and status creepers alike bore witness to a rapidly snowballing political argument that soon escalated into personal attacks. Other users looked on, horrified as commenter “Michael” somehow got into it with another user about Obamacare and the 1% vs the 99%:

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This political argument soon intensified into hateful name-calling, and ultimately, a rage-fueled meet-up between the two.

The men hastily agreed to fight about it in a back alley but unfortunately, both brought guns. Upon seeing each other’s facebook avatars manifest themselves in real life, they simultaneously shot and killed one another.

When asked why he flew off the handle, now deceased user Michael had this to say:

“I blew his head off because I chose to be enraged. I made the decision to take offense to an unsolicited comment on an internet link that I also made a decision to click on. I have only myself to blame….I did this….in essence, I blew my own head off, and I’d do it again because that is who I am. I’m a Facebook Comment Rage-A-Holic.”

Former Sunmart Building Being Renovated Into House Of 1,000 Corpses

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morgue

Haunted grocer

Fargo, ND—What was once an affordable area grocery has been abandoned, gutted, haunted by ghosts and now faces plans for a rather frightening makeover. The building formerly known as Sunmart on 25th street and 13th avenue in South Fargo is being repurposed by Cass County as the new location for their House Of 1,000 Corpses.

The screams of the dead are sure to continue at 2425 13th Avenue as the county prepares to deposit copious mortal remains into the proposed bodybag bank.

“Honestly, it’s a perfect location for a massive carcass hut,” said county zoning chairman Greg Barnaby. “Given that the building is and has been possessed by an ancient evil for years since it’s been abandoned, nothing should change with the addition of 1,000 corpses.”

Proponents of Black Magic have been picketing the location with crudely-made Bring Out Your Dead signs ever since the screams of the deceased have been mysteriously heard coming from between what used to be the produce section and aisle five.

Architectural bids on this enormous overhaul are being collected as we speak. If you or your company are interested in building a House Of 1,000 Corpses, you are urged to call the Scary Planning and Zoning Commission at 1-900-EAT-DEAD.

Fargo Inmate To Represent North Dakota In National Scared Straight Competition

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Inmate Postulates Proposed Pisspants Pennant

scared

#04627 dispensing the fear

Fargo, ND—Cass County Jail inmate #04627 has been chosen to represent North Dakota in this year’s Scared Straight International Competition being held at Idaho State Penitentiary this coming May.

Scared Straight International™ will be staging its yearly tournament Saturday, May 24th in which a chosen convict from each of the 50 states competes to scare the pp out of a very unlucky flock of hand-picked juvenile offenders.

The inmate who causes the most pisspants, wins. Texas State Prison repeat offender #55096-874 is last year’s reigning champion and will prove a worthy adversary to #04627 who was selected from a long list of area intimidators to attend this year’s tournament. He couldn’t be more enraged.

Presenter Zay atTexas Prison Museum 200x250

Returning champion #55096-874

“To represent my state in a national screaming competition such as this has been a furious dream of mine,” 04627 said, angrily. “Scaring the sweat out of waterbelly teens has been my life’s passion ever since sentencing. Facing down pisspants juveniles on behalf of my state in a national scaring competition is literally the top of the mountain for me. This is a big moment.”

Experts are saying that if #04627 can exert a consistent 3-out-of-5 pisspants ratio, he has a shot at taking home the Scared Straight Tournament crown.

Good luck, #04627!

Fargo Group Making Serious Run At Perfect March Madness Bracket

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officesetup

Bracket Central

Fargo, ND—Basketball fans have been guessing the March Madness tournament for decades. Every year, it seems, contestant stakes have been getting higher and higher. Cash prizes as well as bragging rights are among the available rewards for having the most accurate prediction.

The odds of you picking every single game correctly are roughly four trillion to one. Local March Madman Ryan Noisewater wants badly to destroy these odds. He’s crafted a master plan to win.

Hours before all the bracket challenges went live we spoke with Ryan to find out just what it takes to nail the perfect bracket.

“My hand-picked Bracket Posse spent the winter creating throw-away email accounts that can be used multiple times for any and every bracket challenge on the planet,” Ryan says. “We’re armed with two computers per guy–one ergonomic mouse for each arm and each machine has multiple monitors and replacement hardware on-site in case of computer malfunction. We run equipped with eighteen crates of Mountain Dew, prepaid masseuses, bedpans, and very limited basketball knowledge. We are ready.”

Ryan says he’s taken every factor into account during clinical trials he and his crew ran during the NCAA offseason. “We experimented with bracket completion possibility throughput via time-tested computer algorithms; how many left-clicks one hand can complete in a given second and how many seconds it takes to open an account and complete a bracket,” he explained. “This is how we’re cramming as many brackets as humanly possible into the system. I’ve also developed a simple equation in which you memorize a sequence of numbers (according to seed) and pick your teams in such a way that none of the brackets my team generates in the time allotted will be the same. One guy works with this set of numbers, the other guy works with that set of numbers. One of our brackets is bound to hit.”

By now, Ryan and his bracket posse should be hard at work clicking numbers and sucking down Dew in an effort to claim their trophy.

FOX finishes production on zany “Bachelor”-themed reality show

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accused-sean-bean-transsexual

Los Angeles, CA—FOX Broadcasting Company has officially declared it’s ready to compete for a share of the desperate female viewer demographic. Executives noted they have completed filming for a sensational new show titled, The Singleton.

In a press release this morning, FOX representatives indicated they’ve wrapped the first 5 seasons of their new Bachelor-themed reality dating program. Why did they secretly knock down five seasons at once, you might ask? Read for yourself:

“The Singleton – A scintillating new dating reality show is coming to FOX. The Singleton will feature a single male alongside 12 would-be mates vying for his love. But there’s a catch: Six of the contestants are women and the other six are—unbeknownst to the male—post-op transvestites! Who will our singleton pick? Will he pick a woman? Or will he pick a wo-MAN?! It’s The Mole meets The Bachelor, coming to FOX this fall! Check your local listings.”

The show’s narrative will provide the viewer with knowledge of who is who, so thankfully we won’t be left in the dark. How exciting! Finally a dating reality show worth watching; one in which the male could end up with a cleverly-disguised RuPaul. This show is poised to teach us a great deal about what personality means to overall sexual attraction.

[polldaddy poll=7856176]

Professional Hockey Game Ends In Tie

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pat-lafontaine

Bummer.

Edmonton, Alberta—A professional sporting event sadly ended in a tie, the Observer has learned. The Edmonton Oilers hosted Calgary Flames in a National Hockey League matchup last Saturday that unfortunately finished with a 0-0 score. Both teams took the ice for no reason.

The Flames rode their team charter bus all the way to Edmonton only for it not to matter. The game ended after three whole 20-minute periods, an overtime period and a shootout in which zero, count ’em, ZERO goals were scored. Buzzkill.

The finish to this colossal misuse of time was met with shrugs and eye-rolls from many fans and players in attendance. Calgary defenseman Pierre Svodba had his thoughts:

“I always love riding cramped in the back of a bus for 3 hours, especially when it’s for no good reason at all,” he remarked, frustrated. “A tie in sports is just ridiculous, eh? It’s like two guys winning the lottery but getting none of the money. It’s like sharing a bed with your sister. It’s like meeting the girl of your dreams, but she’s an alien freakazoid who lives on Mars. It’s like having sex but ejaculating into the garbage. A total waste.”

Minnesota Twins preview: Ron Gardenhire promises 2014 season

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RonFort Myers, FL – With Major League Baseball spring training officially underway in Fort Myers, media people went belly up to the podium for a little preseason insight from Minnesota Twins skipper Ron Gardenhire.

Gardy, candid as always, indicated that the squad probably won’t deviate from last year’s ways and that he expects another performance in 2014.

Taken from an amusing February 27th press conference:

Reporter 1: What are your expectations for this year’s squad, performance-wise?

Gardy: Performance wise…sounds like a tire model. Goodyear PerformanceWise (laughs). You know, we’ll play our butts off at Target but those long, arduous road trips really take a lot out of you. Our guys will suit up, hit balls, catch and throw ’em. That’s about the long and the short of it.

Reporter 2: Ron, how is (Joe) Mauer transitioning to his new full-time role at first base?

Gardy: Morneau is swinging a lead bat. Looks like he’s put on a little bit of weight, but I could be wrong. I think he’s waiting for the All-Star break.

Reporter 2: Excuse me, Morneau? Surely you meant to say Mauer…

Gardy: What? What did I say? Morneau, Mauer…um…ha ha. I guess we traded Morneau last year, so you’ll have to ask his new team that question. I’m Ron Gardenhire.

Reporter 3: Any news on the starting pitching rotation? How close are we to finding our ace?

Gardy: Our ace? Ah…. (long pause) you know what? We traded Spansy (Denard Span) for a triple-A guy a couple years back. Maybe him. Is Liriano still hurt? Pretty sure Pavano retired… uh…that’s a toughie. Better ask Rick (pitching coach Rick Anderson) that one.

Reporter 3: Has the acquisition of Phil Hughes significantly bolstered your starting rotation?

Gardy: Phil is a drinker, so he knows how to unwind after getting pummeled on the mound. He’ll be ok, unless he slips and falls on his bum-bum.

Reporter 4: Ron, has the team chosen a closing pitcher to come out of the bullpen?

Gardy: Nope.

Reporter 4: No?

Gardy: Nope. We got a ton of bullpen guys. We like to mix it up to throw the other team off. If one guy emerges as a decent closer, he’ll probably keep the job….but better ask Rick to be sure. 

Reporter 5: You’re about to achieve win # 1,000 this year. What does that mean to you?

Gardy: Is that right? Minnesota: Land of 1,000 wins, ha ha. Ah I dunno. It feels good to watch our guys play, and when you get a W out of it, feels even better as you lay down at night for sleepin’. Ok, one more question then I have to go get my noggin fitted for hats.

Reporter 6: Does your contract extension put the team’s 2014 performance under heavier scrutiny?

Gardy: Contracts are just paper. That’s all they are. Paper is made from trees grown in Africa somewhere and then the contract is printed on there. Probably gets scanned into a computer after I sign it, you know, so they don’t lose it. I don’t know much about computers, so…

Local Trucker Inducted Into Guinness Book Of World Records For Saying “Bullshit” 312 Times In One Hour

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Truck Driver in Semi TruckWest Fargo, ND—Russell Hvordsenen of West Fargo, North Dakota has been inducted into the 2014 Guinness Book of World Records for mentioning the word “bullshit” 312 times in one hour. He nearly doubled the previous record held by a local truck driver Augvald Audgard from Dilworth, MN who has held this honor since 1981 with a remarkable 165.

When asking Mr. Hvordsenen how he felt about taking over the record from the previous record holder, it became quite apparent he is currently in training to beat his own record some time this year. Russell seemed upset at the fact that Guinness didn’t really give him anything besides some “bullshit piece of paper” when he was “really hoping to get some bullshit trip out of the deal or some bullshit like that at least. This is a bunch of bullshit.”

During that rant, he mentioned the word ‘bullshit’ an extraordinary 21 times in less than 45 seconds. Simply. Epic.

Wrapping up our conversation with Russell, we asked him what the motivation was this year to make such an impact on American Culture. After asking us if we were “some sort of bullshit communist or democrat” for driving a foreign car, he simply stated this:

“Well, the weather is bullshit, management is bullshit, the government is bullshit, the grocery store is bullshit with their bullshit. Did I mention mention management is bullshit? They don’t know nothin’ and in my opinion, that’s a bunch of horseshit.”

Horseshit? This could be real exciting. We will be watching Russell Hvordsenen in 2014 real close.

-via Mike Johnson, published with permission

FM-area convenience stores: “We are out of cash so please stop robbing us”

small-time crook

small-time crook

Fargo, ND—A long string of recent armed attacks on gas stations in our town has left tills and registers completely tapped. After Fargo endured yet another pair of convenience store holdups yesterday, the Observer has learned local stop n shops are officially out of money.

Store clerks want the city’s armed hoodlums to know they don’t have any more cash to fork over after being robbed, like, fifty million times.

South Fargo Petro Serve clerk Zelda Holdsclaw:

“We’re out of cash so don’t bother robbing us anymore. You guys took it all. Holding us up again would be a complete waste of your time.”

It would appear that area convenience stores have become easy targets for a quick smash-and-grab. Thankfully, with this new announcement, all that is about to change.

North Fargo Stop-N-Go store manager Randy Noisewater:

“Robbers have finally taken us for all we’re worth. It might be time for criminals to step their game up, take off the training wheels and start robbing banks for Pete’s sake.”

FOX Cancels 28 Shows To Make Room For Two And A Half Men Reruns

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Los Angeles, CA—The brain trust at FOX Broadcasting Company has been busy reworking their primetime television show lineup. A total of 28 nighttime sitcoms have met the chopping block in a space-clearing effort as more Two and a Half Men reruns make their way to syndication.

Among the canceled titles were these popular shows:

  • Mortuary-Scene-Automaton-InteriorTwo Franks, One Amy and a Mortuary – This ill-advised “Two Guys, One Girl and a Pizza Place” spinoff was dead before it arrived (which could be why it was set in a mortuary).
  • chrisChris, The Upwards-Walking Clydesdale – America just wasn’t ready for a rip-roaring sitcom about a talking horse who walked on his two hind legs  😐
  • realtyRealty Check – What do you get when you put cameras inside a realtor’s office, an office in which much of the staff is usually not present due to their busy off-site schedules? Evidently, you get a poorly-conceived ripoff of “The Office”.
  • jaredMy Hair Friend – Take a journey through the life and times of Jared, a jovial-yet-psychotic man who hoarded all his haircut clippings, face shavings and manscapings to create with them a life-sized version of himself. Spoiler alert: The journey ends in the FOX tv show graveyard.

These gems didn’t hold their luster with FOX executives, who know how to cash in on syndicated reruns. Let’s hope cult classic My Hair Friend shows up on Netflix really, really soon.