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About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Sanford Hospital To Provide Free Valentine’s Day Heart Transplants

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Funny-pictures-baboon-butt-heartFargo, ND—A local hospital is taking a heartfelt initiative this Valentine’s Day. Starting at noon, the first 100 customers through the door at Sanford Health in downtown Fargo will receive a no-cost heart transplant.

“If you’re hopelessly alone on Valentine’s Day, chances are you have a broken heart and for that, we have a solution,” said Sanford President Kenneth Noisewater. “Due to a shipping error, our hospital is the proud, unfortunate owner of 22 crates of glistening baboon hearts.”

Noisewater mentioned that sufferers of heartbreak need to act fast as this is a very limited-time offer: “The first 100 victims of Valentine’s Day sadness will earn themselves a new ticker. Don’t wait! Surgeons are standing by!”

The Observer recommends you clutch your loved one tight this evening or you, too could be waiting in line for a set of monkey ventricles.

EPA Lifts Ban On Tire Fires to Combat Winter

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have a tire fire with your friends!

Have a tire fire with your friends!

Washington, DC—As yet another ice storm decimates the south with a torrential downpour of frozen goodness, local governments there are declaring a state of emergency. States like Georgia and North Carolina have deemed their roads undriveable and air travel impossible as this new winter storm wreaks havoc.

Having had enough of snowfall and winter in general, our federal government is ready to take drastic measures to fight this ongoing issue. As of this morning, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is lifting the ban on tire fires and other environmentally hazardous burning.

This announcement comes in response to the 12 deaths and over 4,000 canceled flights caused by another winter storm south of the Mason-Dixon line. Enough is enough.

Athfepglobalgrilling“It’s time to raise the air temperature by any means necessary,” declared EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy. “We will not stand idly by as United States citizens continue to perish.”

The EPA is prepared to forgo the need for an ozone in an effort to end this year’s increasingly long winter season. “Burn all of your garbage, especially tires. Let’s scorch the sky. We want it so hot outside that it melts the shingles right off your house and starts your sunglasses on fire.”

The Observer expected to see an outpouring of rage from local environmentalists, but so far there has been no disagreement with this new EPA initiative. Everybody wants Old Man Winter to back off, man, they’re just sick of him.

Rapper DMX Absolutely Destroys George Zimmerman In Celebrity Boxing Match

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DMX_GeorgeTampa, FL—In what was billed as a payback matchup for the ages, rap artist Earl Simmons (better known as DMX) went toe-to-toe in the squared circle with murderer George “The Hitman” Zimmerman.

DMX came in at about 165 lbs soaking wet while Hitman came in at a blubbery, shit-eating 233 lbs. This did not bode well for the Hitman as he looked sluggish and afraid–as if someone had stolen his gun. DMX immediately took control with a flurry of “bark! bark!” noises and heavy jab-hook combinations.

The teen killer looked altogether shocked by DMX’s wild array of punches and barks. He took a defensive stance, covering his beady little eyes with his boy-killing fists but it was too late. DMX unloaded on him with the power of a thousand gunned-down neighborhood kids and it was over just about as soon as it started. The referee called a stoppage to the fight at the 31 second mark. DMX by TKO.

During the post-fight interview, DMX explained his strategy:

“I told y’all I was gonna beat the f— outta that punk. He think he hard now? ARF ARF Ruff Ryders! Ride or die!!”

This marks the very first time Zimmerman faced any real physical consequence for the murder of Trayvon Martin. It also goes to show, if you put a pansy in the ring with DMX, there’s going to be an ass-kicking.

Walmart Polling Station Election 2012

Walmart to Stop Selling Soda

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walmart

Soda fans line up for one last pull

Birmingham, AL—In response to CVS’s announcement that they will discontinue the sale of tobacco products at its 7,600 locations across the USA, Walmart has proudly announced that they are pulling an incredibly harmful substance from their shelves as well. Walmart will stop selling soda, effective immediately.

Retail is and has always been a copycat industry. When one company makes a savvy maneuver, another company is sure to follow suit.

“Studies have proven that the sugars and other chemicals found in soda have been and continue to be very, very harmful to the body. That is why we’ve decided to pull it from our shelves.” said company C.E.O. Jonathan Walmart, in a statement made earlier today. “There’s still plenty of damn fine carbonated beverages available to our consumers, like Sparkling ICE and what not.”

When asked about the financial implications, Jonathan Walmart said simply “Make no mistake; we’ll take a financial hit from this, but it isn’t like we’re going to go out of business or anything. Probably just have to lower our employees’ wages even further in order to keep our prices where they are.”

The Observer sees this as not a health-conscious maneuver, but yet another shameful, backhanded swipe at employee compensation.

PepsiCo C.E.O. Alexander Pepsi could not be reached for comment.

City Waives Alcohol Compliance Fine Because Servers Weren’t Taught How to Use Calculators

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06.2.gifFargo, ND—After serving booze to a minor, Santa Lucia restaurant in south Fargo was hit with a fine as punishment for failing their random alcohol compliance check. The restaurant’s owner disputed the fine, saying that both servers who examined the ID of the patron were never taught how to use calculators during county-mandated server training class. Because if you can’t use a calculator, you can’t properly determine someone’s age.

The city of Fargo agrees. Today, city commission members voted to repeal the fine due to negligence on the part of server training staff.

“Failure to show these college-educated humans how to utilize an electronic device to make routine subtractions resulted in their inability to perform simple arithmetic in a real-life situation,” commission member Jonathan Noisewater stated. “It is obviously the responsibility of a simple government-mandated training seminar to properly educate service staff how to complete grade-school-level mathematical computations.”

Santa Lucia is set to resume incorrect mathematics as early as this week.

Doug’s Doggy Diner to Open In Fargo

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_44663815_dogs_getty_466Fargo, ND—Two things we know are true about man’s best friend: they love to eat and they love to act like people. Have you ever noticed how much fun Rover has riding in the car? Sleeping in your bed? Sitting on your furniture? Spot may not say it out loud, but he desperately wants to participate in all of your human activities—especially eating at the table.

That is just some of the motivation Doug Drangle used when launching his new pup eatery, Doug’s Doggy Diner:

“We set out to combine two of the things dogs enjoy: eating and acting like a person,” said Doug. “At Doug’s, dogs get to take in the human experience of dining among other animals of the same species in an intimate setting.”

Doug’s is working in conjunction with many of the top dog food manufacturers to provide your pup the food it loves, but with a twist.

Check out some of Doug’s exciting canine-themed menu items:

  • IAMS® A-La-Carte – $7.50. Straight-up IAMS®, served in 1 cup portions.
  • Bites of Kibble – $8.25. Kibbles & Bits®, served as an appetizer.
  • Beggin’ New York Strips – $14.75. A handful of Beggin’ Strips®, converted into a 3-ounce “steak”.
  • Blue Buffalo® Burger – $9.95. Blue Buffalo® all-natural dog food, mashed together into a burger patty.
Another satisfied customer!

Another satisfied customer!

Every menu item comes with a dead tree leaves side salad. Bowl of tap water is complimentary.

Doug’s Doggy Diner will renovate and move in to the former Taco Bell building on 10th Street and 1st Avenue North in Fargo. Doug can’t wait to start slingin’ grub for dogs:

“All dogs are welcome to come enjoy this exclusive dining experience. Our ever-expanding menu is sure to please pups of all sizes. Walk right in, sit right down, pee wherever. Get territorial! It’s OK. Our service staff will clean it up!”

Eat, drink, bark your head off and crap on the floor at Doug’s Doggy Diner!

Hitch-a-Bitch Doggy Dating Service to Open In Fargo

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Bow....wow!

Bow….wow!

Fargo, ND—Pet owners often wonder: does my dog get lonely sitting home by itself while i’m away? The answer is most certainly yes. Rover is scared, anxious and above all, lonely when you’re not there. But he doesn’t have to be. Get Spot laid! You, the dog’s owner, can now play the role of Pooch Pimp with the help of Fargo’s new doggy dating service, Hitch-a-Bitch!

Hitch-a-Bitch CEO Johnnny Moores invented his company after he got sick of his dog constantly humping his leg. He thought to himself, “I need to get you a woman, Spike” and thus, Hitch-a-Bitch was born.

Hitch-a-Bitch’s patented dating metrics will match your dog to a canine with similar interests/hobbies. Does your dog like to chew any damn thing it can fit its mouth around? HAB will pair your dog up with a fellow chewer. Does your dog eat rocks? HAB will line Rex up with a fur-covered rock-gobbler with whom he can lick genitals!

Turn ons: walks, toys. Turn offs: mailman, vacuum cleaner

Turn ons: walks, toys.
Turn offs: mailman, vacuum cleaner

As an added bonus, HAB will teach you basic sexualizing commands aimed at getting your dog better acquainted with its inner lover. HAB will help train your dog to hump on command. They can also train your dog to hug and and kiss other dogs at the snap of a finger.

Just fill out the hitch-a-bitch.com online questionnaire. Then, you and your mutt will be invited to the HAB doggie playpen to meet that special someone. Your pup is already well on its way to capturing canine companionship.

What could be more relaxing for your dog than a romp in the park with its one and only somebody? Rover and Daisy will soon be lovers. Your dog has a soulmate. Help him find it with Hitch-a-Bitch.

Nigerian Prince Email Scam Academy Set to Launch This Spring

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nigerianNigeria—A country in Africa that is widely-known as a haven for princes-turned-internet scammers is slated to open its first internet-based scam academy this April. The Nigerian Scam Academy (NSA) is now accepting open enrollment for online courses in Spam Arts.

Nigerian Prince Jackson Kumalo is the Dean of Admissions at NSA. He says anyone who wants to learn how to scam the elderly should join the academy post haste:

“Our institution is excited to begin breeding Princes of Spam. Each student will be given a bogus email address, phone number, home address and Western Union wire transfer account. In addition, students will have access to hundreds of millions of dollars in play money with which to lure unsuspecting victims. Upon completion of the academy, graduates will be awarded a Certificate Of Unauthenticity and granted access to our exclusive database of gullible elderly. Sensational! Any and all who wish to become a Nigerian Prince con artist are urged to join.”

Kumalo then informed me that his grandfather had recently passed away in the Great African Tsunami and had left behind a small fortune; money that Kumalo is unable to keep for himself due to his noble status. He is offering a reimbursement of tuition amounts for all who join the academy:

“Join the NSA before enrollment closes and you will be awarded a substantial portion of Grandpa Kumalo’s inheritance, may he rest in peace! It is $5,000 USD to join. Please wire this money to my escrow, Bob Smith, and I will reimburse you that amount and an additional $10,000 in inheritance! Please do so before enrollment closes. Please help.”

Enrollment is open now until the open of spring semester, April 1st. Visit www.nigerianscamacademy.com to join. Please help.

Area Man Hiding Secret Phil Collins Obsession

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Fargo, ND—A friend of yours really likes Phil Collins but doesn’t want you to know, the Observer has learned. Recently, an area man looked left, looked right, then back over his shoulder as he discreetly plucked his latest purchase of Phil Collins memorabilia from his mailbox. He then scurried inside, delighted.

On the surface there isn’t a trace of evidence of area man’s obsession with the former Genesis frontman. No posters on his apartment walls, no songs on his iPod nor are there any albums in his CD collection. This isn’t because the evidence doesn’t exist—it’s because he is trying very hard to hide it from you.

Area man has made this statement in response to allegations that he was spotted wearing a white Genesis T underneath his work shirt:

“That’s not a band t-shirt,” he abruptly stated as he buttoned the top button. “I don’t own any music by Phil Collins or who did you say…Genesis? Never heard of them. But, seriously…the only famous Phil I know is Dr. Phil–that guy from TV.”

Locals believe that just the other day they witnessed area man in his car performing air drums while the hit song “In the Air Tonight” was blaring loudly at a stop light.

Our sources can indeed confirm that area man is, in fact, infatuated with Phil Collins and will do anything and everything in his power to hide it from you.

Classes, We Are Offering. Yoda Speak, You Shall Learn.

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Star_wars_yodaND, Fargo—Proud to announce, FM Observer is: Anastrophe classes, we’re providing. What, anastrophe is? Normal syntactic order of words, the inversion of. Yoda talks, it is how.

Excited to offer them, we are. Take them, you must. Enlighten yourself, you will. Attend, you are welcome to. Wednesday nights, they are scheduled.

Three hours, in length they are. Two months, they will last. Yoda speak, we shall educate you on. Perfect it, you will. Piss off everyone, you shall. Alienate your friends, you are going to.

Include, the program does:

  • Grammatical syntax, the inversion of
  • Vocal inflection, the warbling of

Teach you, we will. Verbal exercises, you must complete. Master a 2nd language, you shall.

$500, it will cost. An 8-week trial, you shall endure. Yoda boot camp, you will call it. Frustrated, you shall turn. Quit prior to graduating, you most certainly will.

F-M Labor Temple, they will be located. 7:00pm, they will start. 10:00pm, they will end. January 15th, it will commence. April 2nd, it will terminate. Insane, you shall go.

Learn to speak Yoda, you must. The Force, you will be with.