Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

LeBron James grateful for another shot at losing NBA Finals

Leave a reply

Miami, FL – NBA MVP LeBron James has once again, for the 2nd straight year and 3rd time in his career, led his team to the NBA Finals earning yet another shot at despair and failure. King James has been terrific throughout his career at playing well when it doesn’t count and putting up fantastic numbers pretty much always, except during clutch moments. This upcoming finals series will prove no different, as James is poised to make it 3-for-3:

“I’ve been here before. I know what it takes to lose. Instead of being the man in a clutch moment, I plan on deferring to a random teammate. I’m going to push hard for D-Wade to make things happen. Playing the role of decoy is what works for me and guarantees a series loss for my team.”

King went on to predict that his Heat would hang with the Thunder for “maybe 5 or 6” games, but if it went the full 7 he thinks they would definitely get blown out. We wish the best of luck to both teams as the first ever NBA Finals battle between two weather patterns gets underway this Tuesday.

White House Not Returning George W. Bush’s Voicemails

Leave a reply

Washington, DC – Former President of the United States George W. Bush is a good man. He worked hard to benefit our country while in office. He is a man of considerable pride and generosity, and recently found it in his heart to reach out to the US government headquarters that he used to call home. It is a simple, kind gesture, to call an old friend to see how they’re doing. The White House, however, doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge the attempts of the former POTUSA. White House Chief of Staff Jack Lew:

“Dubya calls here about once a week looking to shoot the shit with anyone that’s willing to talk about legos or horses or whatever he finds interesting at the time. I usually end up taking the bullet because Barack leaves his phone status set to ‘in a meeting’ literally all day long. Lately, i’ve been letting the calls go straight to voicemail lol!”

Good ol’ Dubya must not know exactly what to do with himself anymore what with not having a country to run and all. Maybe he and Rick Perry can have a barbecue or a hoedown or something like that?

Dead Morbidly Obese Arsonist Torches Crematorium

Leave a reply

Graz, Austria – A gigantic 440-lb hunk of dead & smoldering fatty tissue was the cause of a fiery inferno at a Graz, Austria crematorium yesterday. The Observer wondered at first why a beached whale would be brought to a human crematorium but as it turns out, the dead animal arsonist was no whale–it was a massive human female.

The blaze raged with such a fury that firefighters had to push water through heating vents to put it out. Firefighters were also forced to wear special equipment to extinguish this mess and were said to have been covered by a “sticky, sooty substance” after the fire was put out. They were coated with human napalm! Oh, the humanity!

The corpse burn community is now calling for updated cremation procedures to better deal with the deceased Morbidly Obese in an effort to prevent future disasters. The temperature inside the cremation chamber reached to upwards of 570 degrees Fahrenheit, causing the entire place to erupt. We here at the Observer would like to congratulate this humongous woman for causing arson from BEYOND THE GRAVE.

Car insurance adjuster freaking out over NASCAR wreck

Leave a reply

Fucked.

Dover, DE – Yesterday’s NASCAR FedEx 400 event in Dover contained one of the most heinous multiple car pileups we’ve seen so far this year. A total of 13 cars were involved in this chain-reaction wreck, and the monetary damage is said to be in the “freaking billions, maybe”. That is, according to the insurance adjuster tasked to clean up the aftermath. Keith McGregor is in full-on panic mode after yesterday’s NASCAR disaster. We caught up with Keith to get his take on the accident:

“I’m fucked. Thirteen cars got completely fucking totaled and I can’t get ahold of any of the drivers to have them sign damage disclosures! And where the fuck are the cars?? Did they even bother getting estimates done?? NO! They loaded them onto trailers as I sat there waving. HELLOOO??? Trying to do my job over here! Would love to get who’s at fault sorted out! Now i’m completely loaded with 13 fucking vehicles worth of paperwork and nowhere to send it. What the fuck am I going to do??”

McGregor went on to say that he’ll “get his ass fired if he doesn’t process this wreck” and that if that happens “the Mrs. will probably divorce him.”

We wish Keith the best of luck with his fucking estimates.

Cannibals Anonymous Group Therapy At Hilton Garden Inn

1 Reply

219579407_2990f2806d_oFargo, ND – Due to a widespread craving for human flesh causing concern that a zombie apocalypse is right around the corner, the Observer has decided to hold open workgroup sessions to help cannibals deal with their insatiable hunger for skin and organs.

We are happy to announce the FM Observer Cannibals Anonymous weekly group therapy sessions being held at the Hilton Garden Inn (MAP) on 19th Avenue in Fargo.

Meetings will occur every Tuesday and Thursday during the week at the following times:

  • 3:00 pm to 4:00 pm (followed by cannibal Q&A)
  • 5:30 pm to 6:30 pm (phalanges served as appetizer)
  • 7:00 pm to 8:00 pm (eyeball casserole with sangria entrée available. $20/plate)

Entry fee for each one-hour session will be $500/head. Severed heads $50 extra. We are willing to waive your entry fee if you bring a sack of spring-harvest spleens.

FYI: We will not be feasting on each other. That is not what this is for. Please only come if you wish to curb your addiction to live flesh.

Please register in advance HERE. We’ll see you there!

Zombie Sighting West Fargo

ZOMBIE SIGHTING IN WEST FARGO

Leave a reply

Zombie Sighting West FargoWest Fargo, ND – The Observer is fearful to report that early Sunday morning at around 3 a.m., a zombie was spotted foot-dragging alongside Interstate 94 in West Fargo. This reporter is absolutely certain that this was, without a doubt, a member of the undead or a “walker” as they are affectionately called. Walkers typically come out of hiding after midnight and during periods of intense weather. Late Saturday night and into Sunday in West Fargo we had a thunderstorm so I took the opportunity to go zombie hunting. What I saw was the stuff of internet legend. A bald, toothy, decaying walker appeared to me in a clearing from the north side of a ditch along the highway. I was only able to snap one photo of the heavy-breathing ghoul before fleeing since I was unable to take the thing down–I had forgotten my crossbow before venturing out! The walker looked to have procured a new t-shirt and jeans somehow (most likely from its last victim) so at first glance it looked like just another drunk human wandering the grass, but upon getting a closer look I now know what I saw. A flesh-hungry zombie.

As far as I know, the creature is still on the loose somewhere in West Fargo. Until the walker is taken out, i’d like to remind everyone to lock your doors at night and if you see a grey shirt/blue jeans-wearing corpse lurking around your home or residence, notify the Observer immediately.


Should I go see The Avengers or watch a real movie: HELLRAISER?

Leave a reply

Washington, DC – Today at the White House, a government mandate was unanimously passed into marshall law requiring every American citizen to go see The Avengers because “It’s SO damn good.” It seems that everybody has seen The Avengers and an equal amount of people (everybody on the planet) loved it. You want to be entertained, maybe even shaken to your innermost core? GO BUY HELLRAISER TONIGHT. Hellraiser was so scary good, they made, like, 20 sequels to it. They couldn’t keep Pinhead off the screen he was so damn alluring. Pinhead is the baddest villain of all time, hands down. Why don’t you try & piss off Pinhead, hot shot. Watch what happens. It’s only the most heinous act of torture imaginable.

And then there’s the Cenobites. Who are they, you ask? Just Pinhead’s evil-toting, inescapable torture posse. This sticky, slimy band of ghoulish hellfreaks?? You could take Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers AND Leatherface to the party and not get nearly the amount of heart attacks, face explosions and blood vomit that you would if you brought the freaking CENOBITES. The Cenobites walked straight through hell’s portal just to torment you. They aren’t human (Myers, Leatherface, Jason (allegedly)) nor are they conjured from some poor little kid’s dream (Krueger). These leatherclad hellbeast torture specialists are gonna waltz right through the gates of hell, find you, and fucking ream your ass.

I would like for somebody to provide a convincing argument as to why The Avengers is better than Hellraiser and if you can persuade me, I will go see The Avengers tonight wearing only a jock strap & cape. Please watch Hellraiser then leave your argument in the comments section below. Thank you.

Super AIDS of Fargo Moorhead

UPDATE: Super AIDS reign of terror showing no signs of stopping

Leave a reply

Super AIDS of Fargo MoorheadFargo, ND – With its tiny but deadly hands held firmly at the throat of our quiet community, the Super AIDS virus continues its unrelenting reign of terror on the home front. Human bodies are still being violently penetrated by Super AIDS a handful of days after a cleanup week mishap caused a sudden breakout of the virus by way of airborne pathogen. And what a persistently furious and annoying airborne pathogen it has become, violating the psyche and buttholes of many all the while causing an obnoxious chorus of showtunes to be sung by the infected.


Walking outside these days, you would think you’d stumbled upon a crowd of bad karoke singers with bunghole infections participating in a road race of some sort. The infected can be seen singing, scratching and sprinting for their lives while the rest of the immune stand by and laugh. LOL. You see, Super AIDS does not affect the clean of body and spirit. It only attacks especially filthy humans; those possessors of unwashed bodies and tainted souls. That being said, this article is a cry for help as this reporter has been trapped inside his house for roughly 36 hours since the outbreak first started. Anyone with a military-grade flamethrower, please help if you dare. I have an immovable swarm of Super AIDS banging & beating its way inside my patio door and I do not know how much longer the glass will hold….

North Dakota declines offer to secede from America & join Canada

Leave a reply

North Dakota, USA – In what many in the geography community have called a desperate attempt at coolness, Canada, our gracious neighbors to the north, made a pitiful request to the USA to secede North Dakota & add it to the southern region of Manitoba. Canada, being as envious and so totally jealous of our perfectly run country as they are, figured they could alter their reputation by adding a piece of American culture to their vast, snowy landscape:

“We really like America, eh? America is soo coool, eh? Maybe America wouldn’t care if North Dakoota left the country, eh? Come be a part of Canada, eh? We’ll even move the border for you. Okeh?”

Upon finding out about Canada’s bold proposal, the United States government showed no concern over the threat of losing one of its Dakotas. When questioned about the possibility of ND seceding from the union, President Obama had this to say:

“Whatever. We’ll just suck out all the oil, let ’em move and replace ’em with Puerto Rico. No big deal.”

After a few minutes of careful deliberation, the 39th state of our great union made the final decision to stay a part of the US:

“This was a very tempting offer, but we ultimately decided we’re already as close to being Canadian as we’re willing to get.”

The Observer has breathed a collective sigh of relief at this great news. We think we speak for everyone when we say ZERO FLANNEL IS ENOUGH FLANNEL.

**ALERT** PRESENCE OF SUPER AIDS IN CLEANUP WEEK TRASH PILE SPAWNS EPIDEMIC

Leave a reply

Fargo, ND – The filthy remnants of a cleanup week trash pile containing an unknown quantity of Super AIDS is believed to be the cause of the rampant Super AIDS epidemic here in Fargo. Due to environmental concerns, a residence on 10th Street in Fargo that is home to a neurotic garbage-loving hoarder finally came under orders to evacuate the piling tons of trash built up inside. It is believed that the gigantic, black, sludgy clumps of nasty left on the yard are derived from a heinous Super AIDS reservoir scrape-away taken from beneath the basement stairwell. Now that the Super AIDS have been exposed to the outside, it has since manifested itself into an airborne pathogen infecting every living being within a 10 square-mile radius. The Observer recommends you use extreme caution to avoid the Super AIDS if and when you dare to venture outdoors. Some pertinent information on the virus:

  • The Super AIDS virus is visible to the naked eye. It looks much like a swarm of butthole-hungry gnats when approached
  • Super AIDS can fly up your nose, in your mouth or burrow itself under your eyelid or inside your genitalia
  • Super AIDS will not react to any type of disinfectant, i.e. pepper spray, bug spray, smoke or other harmful chemical. It is best to KILL IT WITH FIRE
  • Super AIDS will call you names prior to forcing itself all up in your face, bunghole or junk so if a swarm of bugs starts calling you “pissface” or “cock-munch”, RUN LIKE HELL

Please be wary of Super AIDS and its symptoms. If your face, genitals or asshole ingests a Super AID, here is what to expect:

  • Immense bloating
  • Beady, shifty eyes
  • Growling & other incoherent ramblings
  • Profuse sweat
  • Intense anger
  • Projectile diarrhea

These symptoms are, 9 times out of 10, immediately followed by explosion death. Super AIDS pretty much skips the useless “HIV” portion of infection and goes right to being horrifyingly AIDSy. There is but one known cure for an affliction of Super AIDS, and that is to sing showtunes until your asshole bleeds the Super AIDS out. Super AIDS hates showtunes. Be careful out there, you guys.