Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Denmark Charged With Tresspassing Onto Finlandian Space Nebula

Leave a reply
media-20160131

Pictured: Denmark’s 3 square-mile Self-Contained Village Unit 54. This monstrosity houses an entire village of humans as it closely orbits Earth.

This article originally published February 5th, 2066

Nebula 79.10250:91.01, Property Of Finland—The Interstellar Order Of Protection has charged the country of Denmark with unlawful trespass after one of Denmark’s self-contained village units inadvertently breached an intergalactic boundary, traversing space territory owned by Finland.

Since the first colonization of space nebulae in 2048, accidents like these are not uncommon.

Negligence here on the part of Denmark’s Galactic Colonization Effort resulted in their Self-Contained Village Unit’s (SCVU) unlawful drift into Finlandic Nebula 79.10250:91.01’s established boundary. 

High Ruler Of Denmark Qens Vuntnen called the trespass accidental. “Megathrusters on starboard 3-mile fell inactive, causing SCVU 54 to rove nearly 1,000 meters outward. The last thing we want is a nebulaic trespass to propel the galaxy into another Star Wars. Please know that this was a mishap.”

The penalty for space trespass is a fine of 4,000,000, payable in only Marklar.

Area Clowns Needed To Scare Off Pipeline Protesters

Leave a reply
“Clean them clowns off our city streets ‘n get em out to the pipeline”
42daa11cf103e08e10a31494a5d14f71

Clowning an end to the protest.

Fargo, ND – Authorities think they’ve found a solution for all the unwelcome clowns we’ve noticed lately.

Clowning around has the people on edge. Ronald McDonald, Bozo, Krusty–they’ve all gone dormant after the recent outcry.

Lucky for them, authorities have found a more positive use for these Bozos. They want the color-clad jokesters to put their inadvertent scare tactics to work on the Dakota Access Pipeline protest.

Burns county sheriff Wint Cowbuster explains: “Nobody likes clowns anymore. Have you seen the news? A clown can’t even drive a car without spooking someone into phoning dispatch. ‘Yes, hi, 911? There’s a clown in a car.’ Really, guys? Really?? A clown can freak somebody out from inside his own vehicle? Fine, if they’re so scary we’ll see how the protesters like ’em.”

State patrol wants “a few dozen” volunteer clowns to hitch a ride out to the pipeline protest.

Any clowns who want to scare off some protesters will be picked up from wooded areas and sidewalks in the coming days.

They say a typical patrol squad car can transport up to 20 clowns at a time. 

Tilda Swinton Adds Fargo Shapeshifting Charity Tour Stop

Leave a reply
tilda-slide-640x290

Will morph 4 U.

Fargo: The Witching Hour is nigh upon you. Famed Hollywood actress Tilda Swinton, best known for her superior acting prowess, is spearheading Breast Cancer Awareness month by bringing one of her lesser-known talents on a nationwide tour for charity.

Tilda Swinton’s Witching Hour gives patrons an up-close glimpse into her uncanny ability to shape-shift. Metaphysical duality will be on live display as Swinton morphs from a human to a ghost, floats aimlessly about the crowd caressing cheeks and twirling hair, then returns to form. This bewildering spectacle can be seen for the low-low price of $69.95 per person, 100% of which Swinton will donate to breast cancer awareness.

In a promotional video (that has been banned by YouTube) Swinton could be seen chanting “You will come. You will witness, in awe, the inspiring movement. You. Will. Experience.”

This marks the fifth consecutive year Tilda Swinton’s Witching Hour tours the nation but only the first time it appears in Fargo.

The witching shall commence at midnight October 29th in a field next to Hector Airport.

A large medium will read palms and minds to open the show.

Republican National Committee Considering Cormorant Mayor As Presidential Nominee

Leave a reply
From mayor to Republican Presidential Nominee? Duke is rising fast.

From mayor to Republican Presidential Nominee? Duke is rising fast.

Washington, DC – After a very tumultuous couple weeks, the Republican National Committee is flailing. The Donald has finally boasted himself out of public favor (for the most part–but some still want to Make America Great Again) and after last night’s debate meltdown, morale is lower than ever.

Reince Preibus has optioned another replacement nominee after his ridiculous idea of bringing in a broomstick to replace the Donald went south faster than those backyard sparrows did last week after the weather turned. 

Preibus: “Our nominee cannot be intolerant. He must be a friend to all. He mustn’t pander; he mustn’t beg, unless he’s really, really hungry (for votes). He must live to serve the American people. He must sift around in the grass for answers to what ails our country. He will sit, stay, lay down in the White House. He must be, in all cases, man’s best friend, mmkay?”

We suspect that Preibus is alluding to Duke, the mayor of lakeside town Cormorant in Minnesota.

Why Duke, you might ask? Duke, the incumbent mayor for the last 3 years, is not a chauvinist. He’s not a demagogue. He’s not a fascist. No, he’s none of these things because Duke is a 9-year-old Great Pyrenees.

Duke is clearly their guy. He will serve as an obvious upgrade from Donald Trump, who recently apologized for derogatory, aggrandizing banter made to a Bush about women. 

We expect a more formal announcement after Duke has his afternoon nap then goes potty.

Republican National Committee To Replace Donald Trump With Broomstick

Leave a reply
Potential GOP Presidential Nominee

Better option than Trump?

Washington, DC – At this hour, the Republican backpedal is spinning at over 6 million revolutions per second as the GOP scrambles to find a replacement for noted gropesmith Donald Trump. 

Reince Preibus was forced to remark on the possibility of extracting the Donald from state ballots prior to the November election. “We are evaluating every avenue and all options like we always have been and will continue to, do you see? The inevitability of a slender, stoic, hardline, bristly straight-sweeper with perfect hair that stands tall running for office is in the realm of potential, alrighty then?”

It sounds to the Observer like the Republican National Committee is efforting a broomstick as a last-minute replacement for Donald Trump. The broomstick is slender, stoic, hard, bristly and sweeps straight if you aim it in the right direction. It is a great tool that can clean up Washington without getting caught musing over sexual assault ardor.

The time is now for Reince to act. With yet another Presidential debate looming, perhaps the RNC will trot out a secret weapon to avoid the embarrassment of another Donaldism.

E Corp Chief Technology Officer Warns Of Possible Hack

Leave a reply
e_corp_by_threebik-d958irt

Trust in E Corp®

New York, NY – In a coded briefing released at 12:34:56 PM yesterday, Terry Colby, the Chief Technology Officer of banking conglomerate E Corp, warned of another potential hack aimed at their users’ personal data.

This briefing, deciphered from a standard base-10 algorithm downloaded from a .docm macro, reads “A femtocell DDoS containing malware infiltrated a back-door zero-day vulnerability via our static IP resulting in a rootkit packet-sniffing botnet. This won’t reoccur but could be perpetrated again by fsociety members as a 2nd-phase 5/9 attack. -TC”

The Observer cannot confirm nor disconfirm the suspicion that Terry Colby or any top-level E Corp representative actually did release this coded briefing, but we can confirm that it was found in an encrypted email from E Corp to fmobserver@gmail.com at 12:34:56 yesterday with instructions to release it at 12:34:56 today. 

This comes after the public was made aware of a Yahoo user account breach that finally made national headlines two whole years after it occurred. 

Skittles Founder Responds To Newest Trump Campaign Metaphor

Leave a reply

Skittletopia, West Virginia – The founding father of one of America’s favorite candies has taken offense to this new Trump campaign musing:

Bowl of delightfuls

Bowl of delightfuls

Shortly after Donald Trump, Jr tweeted that photo, Skittles pioneer Phictor Skittle went ballistic on behalf of the small sugary candy his family invented back in the early 1940s.

“Isn’t it too bad that a basket of deplorables chose to use my tart ‘n tangy tongue treats as xenophobic fodder for the refugee movement? It pains my taste buds to say this, but you’re far more likely to die from choking on one of my fruity delights than you are to get killed by a war-torn refugee. Leave my family’s gritty gum bombs out of it.”

Phictor Skittle has formally asked the Trump4Prez camp to remove this cruel, unfair depiction from the internet out of respect for his family’s succulent legacy.

Ryan Lochte Found Hiding In Swimming Pool

Leave a reply
Ok, whatever

Sorry I guess, and junk

Rochester, NY – Amidst controversy over statements made to A Polícia Brasileira, Ryan Lochte had been sought for questioning until today. With help, A Polícia Brasileira have located Lochte hiding in his favorite training facility swimming pool.

The Olympic swimmer had been hiding underwater for 15 minute intervals until A Polícia Brasileira detained him via a non-anonymous tip.

“I mean, like, oops? I just didn’t want to get my bros in trouble, so, like, I made it sound like, like, it, like, was like, a robbery or whatever,” said a stammering Lochte, whose body temperature had fallen tremendously after sitting for 3 straight days submerged in água fria.

“O dopey swimmer vai responder to falsificação de informações,” said enforcer of A Polícia Brasileira Janio Almeida, who chose to locate-extricate Lochte under condition of anonymity via diplomatic immunity.

Lochte will now reluctantly meet with A Polícia Brasileira to discuss what to do about what he told A Polícia Brasileira. He will remain in the United States since A Polícia Brasileira have now confiscated his passaporte.

Pokemon Go Trainer Wants Your Ass In His Class

Leave a reply
OmryPeled4

Glef Chryznc: Poketrain with him, or you’re nothing.

Fargo, ND – There is high local demand for Pokegoods and Pokeservices now that the hot new app Pokemon Go has taken America by storm. People of all ages are looking to level-up as they embark on a quest to “catch them all” as quickly as possible. Unfortunately for some, leveling up requires a combination of physical as well as mental ability. The pokemon aren’t going to come to you.

Enter Glef Chryznc. Glef is the sole proprietor of “ChryzPhit” a crossfit gym on the outskirts of town. This gym specializes in crossfit training, but as the need for Poketrainers continues to grow, Glef has decided to moonlight as a Poketrainer at his facility in Northeast Fargo.

His last name also has ZERO vowels, so be confident he can amp your gains.

Poketrainin’ = fun!

Glef will run you through crossfit-ish parkour training to get you up trees and atop buildings. You will also undergo rigorous hand-eye coordination drills that are sure to hone your Pokeskills.

Glef claims he can transform you into a Pokehunting machine in as little as five days. 

The facility is open Monday thru Friday from midnight to noon, then noon to midnight. Weekends hours are 12:00 to midnight. Holiday hours are midnight to midnight.

Grab life by the pokeballs at ChryzPhit!

Scientists Warn: Sugarloaf Mountain Fermenting In Polluted Rio de Janeiro Bay

Leave a reply
rio sugar loaf compressed

Water into wine

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Water pollution isn’t the only thing tainting the enchanting landscape of Rio de Janeiro, home of the 2016 Summer Olympics. Scientists now warn that the polluted Guanabara Bay in Rio is rotting a famous landmark.

Sugarloaf Mountain, or Pão de Açúcar as it’s called in its native tongue. The mountain gets its name from its shape: a loaf of refined cane sugar. Unfortunately, it bisects Guanabara Bay and the Atlantic Ocean. As you can see in the graphic, it’s in a precarious position.

Bictor Tedhanger

Crackpot Geologist Bictor Tedhanger

Geologist Bictor Tedhanger warns that the mighty Sugarloaf is falling victim to the pollution of its neighboring bay. He threw some geographical jargon at this alarming fact. “Peak elevation of Sugarloaf’s baserock structure has reduced 8.594 cm per year over the past 14.2948 years, partly due to global warming but mostly due to water pollution. The Sugarloaf bedrock is, in essence, fermenting, turning Guanabara Bay into toilet wine.”

The best part about Pão de Açúcar is you can ride a cable car up to the top and see the entire city. It’s a spectacular view, but for how much longer? Either they clean up the bay, or Sugarloaf melts into the ocean. 

Sugarloaf Mountain will need to be renamed Sugarloaf Butte or Sugarloaf Hill if and when it falls below a certain height. Scientists urge you to use it while you can, before its sugar loaf dissolves.