Category Archives: Local

North Dakota Farmer Takes Wrong Turn, Never Heard From Again

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Shitsville, ND

anywhere, ND

Lisbon, ND – A Lisbon-area wheat farmer has been reported missing. This vast expanse of frozen nothingness has swallowed up yet another victim, it seems, most likely from a missed turn on a gravel road.

Wendell Pierce was reportedly driving back to his farmstead last night after making a trip to Lisbon to pick up a few things. It is believed that during a drive-time fight with a fruit fly in his pickup, Wendell completely spaced turning into his gravel driveway on a remote country road in Southeastern ND and simply kept on going.

Mr. Pierce is now missing. He could be anywhere in the state as he does not own a GPS or a smartphone and the state is mainly comprised of nothing but miles and miles of white tundra bisected by uncharted and poorly-maintained gravel roads.

A statewide search has NOT yet been initiated due to the fact that local search and rescue is too scared to venture out into “The Abyss”. The Observer is asking that you pray like hell he finds his own way back because nobody is crazy enough to go out looking for him.

2 Fargo schoolchildren left unattended on school bus; resorted to cannabalism

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"Is anybody out there?" he stated while eating his friends leg.

“Is anybody out there?” he stated while eating his friend’s leg.

Fargo, ND – In a very short series of unfortunate events, two Fargo school children were left for dead in a Valley Bus school bus Thursday morning.

Temperatures reached a staggering 23 below when the children were left to battle the elements all by themselves.  Unfortunately, the temperature continued to dive and reached a mind blowing 40 below.

One of the children tried to hold on but the elements proved too tough and he ended up freezing to death right there in the bus.  The other child, desperate to survive, had to resort to cannibalism in order to stay awake as he was slipping fast.

The child used a plastic scissor, a scissor that had been used just the day before to cut beautiful snow flakes out of construction paper,  to cut his friends leg off.

For the next grueling 5 hours, the child had to feast upon the leg of his dead friend.  Luckily, a Valley Bus worker who needed to clean the bus unexpectedly walked onto the scene.

“I stepped up into the bus and that’s when I saw it.  Blood everywhere.  There was a leg propped up on one of the seats.  It was horrible.”

The surviving bloody child was then rescued from the bus and taken to the nearest shower.  Presumably to wash the blood and flesh off.

The mother would like to know what went wrong.

“Where did my child get the idea to cut someone’s leg off?  Is this what they are teaching my child?  How am I supposed to trust them with my kids? This is serious and I plan on suing.”

Valley Bus could not be reached for comment.

Area Man Wants To Tell You All About Epic New Year’s Eve Party

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19161226_3de09088ef_bFargo, ND—Below-zero temps never stopped one area man from having a good time on New Year’s Eve! Vince Noisewater of Fargo had a rockin’ good time on New Year’s Eve, and now you’re gonna hear about it.

“What’d you do for new year’s, bro?” Vince asked, baiting you with an open-ended question just so he could fire back with intimate details of his Dec 31st exploits. “Yeah, I was at this rager. Shit, bro, you should’ve seen all the tail. Chicks were dressed up all fancy and junk. Man, it was epic.”

Vince went on to explain how much he drank and who he failed to get with at midnight. He even went as far as to depict what color his vomit was later that night. “Was crushing 99 Bananas shots all night, dog! It looked like I was peeing out my mouth!”

Area Aunt Wants You To Know She Included Receipt With Your Christmas Gift

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It's okay.

It’s okay.

Fargo, ND—Your aunt wanted to remind you that the box that the sweater she gave you came in does, in fact, have the receipt inside should you want to return it, sources confirmed at Christmas yesterday. This news comes with the knowledge that at press time, your aunt was not sure what size you wore.

“Here, keep this in your wallet should you need it,” your aunt demanded as she thrust the receipt into your hand. “If that’s too small or too big or whatever, you can return it. I won’t mind.”

Local aunts are reinforcing the notion that it’s OK if you need to return their gifts—that’s why they included the receipt.

Area Wife Elated After Leaky Faucet Turns Into Entire Bathroom Remodel

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CRAP.

CRAP.

Moorhead, MN—Local woman and homeowner Cynthia Noisewater couldn’t be happier today after what appeared to be nothing more than a drippy bathroom faucet snowballed into a “full teardown and rebuild” of her master bathroom, sources confirmed Wednesday night.

Cynthia notified her husband Kenneth about the dripping she heard the evening of December 17th. Upon investigating the leak yesterday, Kenneth ended up having to remove the entire sink to discover the problem.

“Well, now that we have the whole frickin’ sink torn apart, I spose we better do the cabinets above and below, too,” Kenneth grumbled. “Since we’re here doing it and all, I mean, I guess it makes sense,” he added.

Cynthia could not be more pleased. “I’ve been getting after him about this old, outdated porcelain sink, clanky steel cabinetry and faucet that squeals every time you turn the cold water nozzle,” Cynthia explained. “Now that Ken FINALLY has it torn out, it looks like we’re joining the 21st century with a newly-remodeled master bath!”

Coach Bohl To Become Pastor Bohl

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caption here

The mountains are calling me.

Fargo, ND – The spiritual leader of the champion NDSU Bison is about to trade in his coaching cap for a clerical collar. Coach Craig Bohl has announced he will be packing his bags and moving to Wyoming. He will become the head pastor at Harmony Lutheran Church in Lusk, Wyoming.

The FM Observer asked: “Whyoming?” Pastor Bohl calmly answered: “Because that is where I have been called to serve my higher power. Not to mention, that I have always loved the mountains.”

As the most successful coach in NDSU history, Harmony Lutheran Church can expect that Pastor Bohl will be their most successful minister ever. Church committee members there said they really liked his God-given ability to recruit new church members and bring out the best of everyone’s talents in their church community.

Mr. Jonas Bagley, who headed up their search committee, said that during his interview, Pastor Bohl’s ability to motivationally speak to their hearts about doing the Lord’s work in Wyoming really put him head and shoulders above all the rest of the candidates.

Church treasurer Ms. Connie Francis said she is very excited about what Pastor Bohl’s influence will be upon their upcoming stewardship drive. Their goal is to raise $1.5 million to build a new Sunday School Center and also help translate all their current teaching materials into Spanish.

Jeana marie smart

Jeana Marie Smart Speaks Out

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Jeana marie smart

I was dressed as a pumpkin.

Fargo, ND – Jeana Marie Smart, a Horace woman, was recently charged with felony drug possession for having a broken meth pipe in her vagina.

The story is so bizarre we had to get an interview and an explanation.  There are always two sides to a story so today I had the chance to speak with Jeana in her jail cell.

You may see my interview in its entirety below.

 

 

 

Bill:  Jeana, first, how is your vagina doing?

Jeana:  It’s doing great.  I wiped the blood up and gave it a good wash.  Really got in there this time.

Bill:  So no more pieces of meth pipe in the vag?

Jeana:  None.  At least I think I got all of it.

Bill:  So, everyone wants to know.  Why did you have a broken meth pipe hidden in your piss flaps?

Jeana:  Well the funny thing is, on Halloween, I dressed as a pumpkin on meth.  You can tell by my hair.  I was at a party and you know how those go.  Next thing you know I have a meth pipe in my meat wallet.  I got so drunk that night that I TOTALLY FORGOT about it.  That is, until the police found it.

Bill:  Did you say you’re sorry to your muff?  It must have been quite a traumatic experience for it, don’t you think?

Jeana:  Oh yea.  I’ve apologized over and over again to it.  It’s still ignoring me a little bit but it’s opening up to me slowly.  I just need to give it time.

Bill:  Alright Jeana.  Thank you so much for you time.  Just my advice but try not to stick anything else up there ok?  It needs it’s space.

 

So there you go.  I was able to answer all your questions.  This story is no longer a mystery.  Somehow a meth pipe got put into her vagina on Halloween and she simply forgot about it.  Her defense is most likely to use this story.

West Fargo Teacher Stung By A Sting Operation

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Sting Stang Stung

Sting Stang Stung

West Fargo, ND –  A young teacher at the West Fargo High Skool named Gordon Summers (age 32), was allegedly, the subject of a school-girl fantasy. She wanted him, so badly, and she knew what she wanted to be. Inside her, there was so much longing, and this girl was an open page. The problem is, that the girl, (let’s call her Lolita), was only half his age (16).

Mr. Summers, after noticing her nearness, initially tried to maintain a professional distance from Miss Lolita by repeating to her: “Please, don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me.”

For good reason, her friends became quite jealous, you know how bad girls can get. Sometimes, it’s not so easy, to be the teacher’s pet.

Temptation coupled with frustration got so bad, that it made him almost cry. Then, while she was waiting at a wet bus stop, he drove by in his car, all warm and dry. When she got in, he repeated to her: “Please, don’t sit so, don’t sit so close to me.”

With a lot of loose talk in the classroom, to hurt Lolita, her classmates would try and try. There were also many strong words in the staffroom, and (as you can imagine) the accusations began to fly.

At this point, there was no use in denying his attraction to Lolita. Everytime he saw her, he would begin to shake and cough, quite similar to Humbert, in that one book by Vladimir Nabokov.

Update #1: Mr. Gordon Summers was recently arrested and taken to jail for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. While in jail, he would often tell his cellmates: “Please, don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me.”

Update #2: It turns out…that Lolita was actually the daughter of the Police Chief, and the whole thing was one giant set-up. Basically, Mr. Gordon Summers was stung by a Sting Operation.

Update #3: This entire multi-level plot was written by a very creative sophomore named Stewart Copeland from West Fargo High Skool for a homework assignment in his Film Studies class.

Update #4: Ironically, the teacher of this Film Studies Class is named Mr. Humbert, and his daughter, whose name is Lolita, is going to prom with…Stewart Copeland!

Red River Diversion On Hold Due To Analysis Paralysis

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Diversion map to be made into quilt.

Diversion map to be made into quilt.

Red River Valley – After years of maps and meetings, officials are throwing their hands up and saying “Enough is enough!”

“We give up and need a fucking break from all this shit.” said Norman Assberger, chairman of the Diversion Research Information Project (DRIP).

“If one more person comes up to me in the grocery store and wants to talk about ‘The Diversion’, I swear my fist is going to land in their fracking face.” he continued.

With tensions building between opposing groups regarding where the Red River diversion should go, a past all-star wrestler/governor suggested having an alcohol-induced free-for-all brawl to reduce the level of animosity amongst former friends who now are on opposite sides of this polarizing issue.

Some are talking about the possibility of having a ‘Diversion to the Diversion’. This would translate into bringing in Shania’s Twain for a special series of concerts in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

At some participating retirement homes in the area, the map of the diversion project will be made into beautiful quilts in an effort to raise enough money so that members of the Diversion Committee can go on an extended vacation to some remote island and experience the relaxing effects of hot-stone massage therapy.

Professional mediator and website-ordained pastor Harry Bongmeister says that he has seen this type of situation before.

“Yeah, I seen this type of situation before, don’t cha know. Back when them there sugar beet union workers were locked outta that there one building. After too much stress, people just start to snap, crackle, and pop!”

“My professional advice would be: If ya don’t like the stress of being in the limelight no more, take that there lime and mix it with a generous portion of tequila, and propose a few margarita toasts to yourself, if ya know what I’m saying. It certainly works for me!”

Downer Changing Its Name To Xanax

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Time for a name change...from Downer to Xanax.

Time for a name change…from Downer to Xanax.

Downer, MN – The sleepy town of Downer, Minnesota says it is time for a name change. All seven residents voted unanimously to change the name from Downer to Xanax.

The mayor of Downer, speaking from his basement couch, said: “The name Downer has served us well for hundreds of years, but it is time for a new beginning. As of January 1st, 2017, I will certify that the official new name of our town will be Xanax. We believe Xanax will more aptly reflect the feeling and energy level of this humble little community.”

If you are a person who suffers from panic attacks, anxious insomnia, or are just clinically depressed, Xanax might just be the place for you.

Please call 9-1-1 if you start to develop hives, or you can no longer breathe, or if your face and lips begin to swell up.

Stop living in Xanax if you have constant thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself.

Xanax might not be the best place for you if you no longer fear danger and your behavioral patterns swing toward unusual risk-taking, coupled with profound confusion and hyperactivity.

Have someone call a doctor if hallucinations lead to hostility and unnecessary agitation.

If you think you might pass out, or find that you can no longer urinate, it might not have been such a good idea to move to Xanax in the first place.