Category Archives: Local

Minnesota Couple Marry In Cemetery

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AUSTIN, Minn – How do you gain the brides deceased parents respect in the non creepiest way possible? Get married by their graves in a cemetery of course!

In an unconventional wedding ceremony, Diane Waller and Randy Kjarland exchanged vows in Austin’s Oakwood Cemetery.  The bride and grooms parents were unable to attend because they are, well, dead.

All of their friends thought that having the wedding in a cemetery was a joke.  I mean…pfff…who wouldn’t!  They also said others cried when they heard of the couples story.  In actuality, they weren’t crying out of joy but were crying because they had to attend a fucking wedding in a cemetery.

“I think it’s great having a wedding in a cemetery” a family friend stated.  “It represents exactly what marriage is about.  Death and decomposer.”

We wish them the best.

Red River of Fargo Moorhead

Red River Now Considered “Less Dickish”

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Red River of Fargo MoorheadWest Fargo, ND – In a weird turn of events, locals have started praising the Red River and now consider it “Less Dickish.”  Last month we reported people to be calling the Red River a dick head and even tried killing it with bad words and physical violence.

A criminal over the weekend jumped into the red river in order to evade police after robbing a man.  The river, not wanting people to throw shit into it again, consumed the criminal and drowned the man hoping to gain the locals respect again.  Since the river has been a baby it has been removing criminals and stupid people from the gene pool for decades.  It has never asked a favor or asked for respect from the people.  However, after the residents of Fargo-Moorhead found out the Red River was apprehending criminals for them, they now consider it “Less Dickish” and respect the magestic river once again.

“I knew that by kicking the river with my deadly karate kicks that it would teach it a lesson to be nice” a local who was seen last month trying to kill the river said.

With the Red River on the locals good side again, they can get back to living with each other peacfully.  So cute.

Super AIDS of Fargo Moorhead

UPDATE: Super AIDS reign of terror showing no signs of stopping

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Super AIDS of Fargo MoorheadFargo, ND – With its tiny but deadly hands held firmly at the throat of our quiet community, the Super AIDS virus continues its unrelenting reign of terror on the home front. Human bodies are still being violently penetrated by Super AIDS a handful of days after a cleanup week mishap caused a sudden breakout of the virus by way of airborne pathogen. And what a persistently furious and annoying airborne pathogen it has become, violating the psyche and buttholes of many all the while causing an obnoxious chorus of showtunes to be sung by the infected.


Walking outside these days, you would think you’d stumbled upon a crowd of bad karoke singers with bunghole infections participating in a road race of some sort. The infected can be seen singing, scratching and sprinting for their lives while the rest of the immune stand by and laugh. LOL. You see, Super AIDS does not affect the clean of body and spirit. It only attacks especially filthy humans; those possessors of unwashed bodies and tainted souls. That being said, this article is a cry for help as this reporter has been trapped inside his house for roughly 36 hours since the outbreak first started. Anyone with a military-grade flamethrower, please help if you dare. I have an immovable swarm of Super AIDS banging & beating its way inside my patio door and I do not know how much longer the glass will hold….

**ALERT** PRESENCE OF SUPER AIDS IN CLEANUP WEEK TRASH PILE SPAWNS EPIDEMIC

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Fargo, ND – The filthy remnants of a cleanup week trash pile containing an unknown quantity of Super AIDS is believed to be the cause of the rampant Super AIDS epidemic here in Fargo. Due to environmental concerns, a residence on 10th Street in Fargo that is home to a neurotic garbage-loving hoarder finally came under orders to evacuate the piling tons of trash built up inside. It is believed that the gigantic, black, sludgy clumps of nasty left on the yard are derived from a heinous Super AIDS reservoir scrape-away taken from beneath the basement stairwell. Now that the Super AIDS have been exposed to the outside, it has since manifested itself into an airborne pathogen infecting every living being within a 10 square-mile radius. The Observer recommends you use extreme caution to avoid the Super AIDS if and when you dare to venture outdoors. Some pertinent information on the virus:

  • The Super AIDS virus is visible to the naked eye. It looks much like a swarm of butthole-hungry gnats when approached
  • Super AIDS can fly up your nose, in your mouth or burrow itself under your eyelid or inside your genitalia
  • Super AIDS will not react to any type of disinfectant, i.e. pepper spray, bug spray, smoke or other harmful chemical. It is best to KILL IT WITH FIRE
  • Super AIDS will call you names prior to forcing itself all up in your face, bunghole or junk so if a swarm of bugs starts calling you “pissface” or “cock-munch”, RUN LIKE HELL

Please be wary of Super AIDS and its symptoms. If your face, genitals or asshole ingests a Super AID, here is what to expect:

  • Immense bloating
  • Beady, shifty eyes
  • Growling & other incoherent ramblings
  • Profuse sweat
  • Intense anger
  • Projectile diarrhea

These symptoms are, 9 times out of 10, immediately followed by explosion death. Super AIDS pretty much skips the useless “HIV” portion of infection and goes right to being horrifyingly AIDSy. There is but one known cure for an affliction of Super AIDS, and that is to sing showtunes until your asshole bleeds the Super AIDS out. Super AIDS hates showtunes. Be careful out there, you guys.

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Cleanup Week In Fargo-Moorhead Leaves Strange Items On The Curbside

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Fargo, ND – It is Clean Up week around the Fargo-Moorhead area or the Scavengers Super Bowl other people call it.

This week, thousands of people will throw various filthy piles of shit they have been hording in their house out on the curbside.  Fargo street crew workers have their work cut out for them.  Sifting through bed bug ridden, piss stained bed mattresses, dog shit, super aids, and even more super aids, these sorry bastards deserve more pay for the week.

Along with the filth people throw out, there are a number of strange items the Fargo street crews have come across.

One worker came across an actual full-blooded breathing human.  It seems the husband put the wife out on the curb hoping a passing scavenger will pick her up.

Some other items found are:

The Constitution.  Found on the boulevard of a state representative.  “We don’t need this shit” he said.

Expired Breast Implants

Blood-Stained Cauldron

Various children.  Presumably annoying brats.

Super AIDS as mentioned before.  It be everywhere.

Dynamite

Wolf Urine

Illegal Mexican Immigrant

Pathetically Deflated Blow-up Doll

Broken Sex Swing

Lion Cage

Balloon animals in the shape of Kanye West

Small Wedding Chappel

Inflatable Bondage Chair

Clean up crews are asking that you keep your piles of shit to a minimum.  One neighbor is reporting that his dirty filthy neighbor has already consumed 5 neighbors boulevards with his crap.

 

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Cops Leave Hostage Situation To Bust NDSU College Party.

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Fargo, ND – At around 12 a.m. Saturday evening, police were called to a home on N Broadway Dr & 20th Ave N with reports of a hostage situation.  Police arrived on scene to find a man holding his girlfriend hostage inside the house.  He had a gun and a steak knife to her throat threatening to kill her and the police.  For a whole 5 minutes, police tried to talk to the man calmly and to let the women go.

10 minutes later and without success, a report came in about a NDSU college party a few blocks away.  Considering the college party was a much more serious threat, police left the hostage situation and surrounded the young partying men and women with guns drawn.

Those arrested face charges including unlawful assembly, disorderly conduct, and inciting a riot, cops said.  One partier was shot dead while trying to enter a taxi cab to leave.

No word on what happened to the man holding his girlfriend hostage but it is being reported that the women has been missing now for a few weeks.  Nobody knows what could have happened to her.  The boyfriend simply says, “I don’t know.”

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Jesus Arrested For Disorderly Conduct. Caught Mowing Lawn In Loin Cloth.

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Fergus Falls, MN – Jesus who currently is parading around as a 43 year-old named Matthew Swanson, was arrested for disorderly conductfergus_falls_loin_cloth_Matthew_Swanson Wednesday afternoon while mowing the lawn in a loin cloth.  It is believed that the Jesus part of Jesus got the better of him and he slipped out of disguise for a brief moment which led to the loin cloth mowing incident.

Neighbors reported seeing a man resembling Jesus, mowing his lawn with his balls swinging about in the wind.  Once police arrived, Jesus just casually continued to mow the lawn with balls in full swinging motion yelling obscenities towards the police.  Jesus apparently dislikes the police as much as us humans.  He just wouldn’t stop which led to the arrest.

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Horse Buggy Collides With Car On Interstate. Horse Takes a Dump.

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New Salem, ND- At around 8:30 a.m. this morning, a SUV carrying a family of 4 struck a horse buggy on Co Rd 139.  The family from New York were on vacation and merrily on their way to New Salem, North Dakota to visit ‘Salem Sue’ or ‘The World’s Largest Holstein Cow’.  Salem Sue is the worlds largest fiberglass holstein cow sculpture situated on School Hill between the city of New Salem and I-94 Highway.  The driver stated they were driving down Co Rd 139 when then went around a bend and hit a horse buggy that was in the middle of the road.

“I wasn’t expecting to see a horse buggy,” the driver said.  “I really didn’t think people still used those things.  I mean it’s 2012 for christ’s sake.”

“Grandma just wants to see the largest fiberglass cow sculpture before she dies,” one of the kids said crying.

After the crash, the horse carrying the buggy was seen taking a large dump on the road and running excitedly into the horizon.  Presumably happy to be free from his slave labor.  The driver of the buggy was not injured.

Red Bull® gives man wings; man sues

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West Fargo, ND – A local man is suing the makers of Red Bull® energy drink, claiming the product produced “uncomfortable and disproportionate feathery growths” sprouting from underneath both shoulder blades. Adam Odegaard fell victim to the quaint little slogan “Red Bull® gives you wings” the very minute he threw back his fifth can of the caffeine-infused swill while fishing the Sheyenne river. The process was said to have been incredibly painful, and when finished, the flying abilities Adam experienced were akin to that of a newborn vulture. The wings were utterly useless. The Observer caught up with this very flustered individual directly after the incident took place:

“I was inhaling Red Bulls that day. One after the other. All of a sudden, I caught a gust of wind and flew about 25 feet into the air. It sucked. It hurt like hell to flap my new appendages and as I tried to guide myself I had no control & ended up plunging into the river. If I wasn’t completely high and numb from all the caffeine I would have been even more pissed.”

Adam went on to say that the wings were what kept him from drowning, acting as a sort of awkward flotation device. Mr. Odegaard is seeking compensation for damages caused to his body as well as his dignity. Red Bull® could not be reached for comment.

teens_high_toilet_flushing

New Trend: Teens Getting High Off Toilet Flushing

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Fargo, ND – In the recent weeks, 6 teens have shown up in the Sanford hospitals emergency rooms completely high and buzzed out of their minds.  One death is being reported as well.  This has caused concern for the local public health officials who feel this could be the next dangerous trend.

The hospitalized teens have stated that all the kids in school are now toilet flushing to get high.  What they do is put their head upside down into the toilet and keep flushing it a few times.  The combination of holding your breath to keep from drowning and the blood rushing to your head from being upside down creates an intense high and head buzz.

We don’t know where these kids recently picked this up but we assume it could be from the old school bullying tactic called the “swirly.”

“All it takes for these kids is a toilet, a few flushes, and bam!  They’re high!” said Molly, a poison control specialist at Sanford Health located in downtown Fargo.

Over the years teens have found creative and stupid ways of getting high.  From drinking cough syrup in the 90’s, mouthwash, and Purple drank, officials want to make sure teens don’t add ‘Toilet Flushing’ to the list.

Parents should start putting locks and the toilets and tell their kids to poop outside.  Keep that shit on lock down until this trend passes.  It’s the only way to assure no more teens are hospitalized.  We need to keep these stupid kids from removing themselves from the gene pool.  Who else would we laugh at if they were gone?