Category Archives: News

Fanatical Mathematical Radical Goes On Problematical Sabbatical

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What is the square root of apple pi?

Fargo, ND – An overly-zealous Fargo math teacher has been suspended from teaching.

Students in Mr. Cal Cuelator’s third grade class had been complaining of having a steady heavy load of math homework assignments.

Parents of these students also were bitching about the unusually large workload their kids were bringing home every night.

Apparently the parents were being asked by their children to help figure out increasingly difficult math word problems.

Ms. Shirley Buxom: “These word problems Timmy was asking me to help him with started out at the add and subtract level but somehow quickly moved to the college calculus level! How the hell is my little Timmy supposed to figure out the decreasing rate of gravitational pull on a fricking weather balloon that’s ascending at an average rate of 32 feet per second per second?!”

When asked about his teaching methods, Cal argued: “I am simply trying to prepare these children for the real world where they will have to compete for jobs with kids from other countries in order to bring home the bacon.”

For now, Mr. Cuelator has been suspended with partial pay for a finite amount of time. However, he is fighting the School Board on just how that partial pay is calculated and the finiteness of the suspension period.

On a daily basis, School Board members are being mailed to their homes example word problems demonstrating the resulting differences in pay calculation methods and their effects on the long-term outcomes of total pay depending on the number of months involved, which they are then asked to mail back to Mr. Cal Cuelator so he can check their work for accuracy.

Clever ‘Calibration Errors’ Ensure Democrat Victories In Every Political Race

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It's not voter fraud if it favors the Democrats.

It’s not voter fraud if it favors the Democrats.

Washington, DC – Even if no Democrats show up to vote in the upcoming state and national elections, Republicans better be ready to lose each and every political race in the country.

Democrat community organizers have cleverly rigged all the voting machines in every voting district to register any Republican votes as Democrat votes.

For any Democrats that do show up to vote, each vote that’s actually entered for a Democrat candidate will automagically be duplicated by a special multiplier factor that is specifically, scientifically, and strategically set by the Democrat Party for each voting district.

By rigging each voting machine to only register votes for Democrats, this eliminates the need for the IRS to target troublesome conservative Tea Party groups.

By ridding the U.S. House of Representatives of all Republicans, and increasing the Democrat’s control of the U.S. Senate, this will free Washington of all that paralyzing gridlock so that President Obola can fully implement his “Lean To The Left” transformational agenda for America during his last two years in office.

So, don’t forget to get out and vote early and often in the upcoming elections. What matters is that you do your civil duty to cast your ballot. What doesn’t matter is for whom you vote. That’s already been taken care of.

Downtown Project Seeks To Turn Street Vomit Into Barf Art

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Barf Art

Downtown Fargo Barf Art

Fargo, ND – The growing problem of vomit in the streets of downtown Fargo due to late-night binge drinkers has had city leaders’ stomachs churning for some time. However, a local group of forward-thinkers believe they have the solution: Barf Art.

With a project dubbed, “Regurgitation Appreciation: Let People Hurl”, or RALPH, the group proposes that downtown streets and sidewalks be covered in large white sheets of paper which people can barf all over, Jackson Pollock-style. The paper will then be collected, dried, framed, and put up for auction.

Proceeds from the Barf Art sales will likely benefit someone, but those details have yet to be released.

“Great art always elicits an emotional response,” explains project leader Chuck Upton. “Based on that idea, we think these pieces will be appropriately viewed as brilliant. For collectors in search of a statement piece, Barf Art will be organic and bold, yet intensely intimate. Struggling to find a gift for the person who has everything? Well, guess what? They don’t have Barf Art.”

Downtown bars and restaurants are being encouraged to contribute to the RALPH project by offering happy hour specials on drinks made with colorful liquors. Raspberry Kamikazes and Blue Hawaiians create drama and vibrancy in the art, while Bailey’s Irish Cream drinks add a subtle earthiness.

Free bar snacks, such as peanuts, pretzels, or chips and salsa will also be welcomed for their texture-rich qualities.

“We still have a few logistical snags to work out, but overall we’re super excited about the RALPH project,” raved Upton. “Our hope is that someday people all over the world will see barf on a wall and just know immediately…It’s Downtown Fargo!”

Downtown Business Owners Looking to Curb Curb-Vomit

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no_puking_320The prevalence of vomit on city sidewalks has locals concerned.

Fargo, ND—In case you haven’t been downtown lately, or have been downtown but have not yet encountered a lurching pile of partially-digested filth on the sidewalk, the walk down Broadway is facing an issue that it would like to curb….or UN-curb, permanently. There’s an ongoing problem of vomit on downtown-area sidewalks.

Sidewalk hurler Gnaph Lurchfellow makes no bones about it: “I walk by Sweeto at 2 a.m. after bar close…what am I supposed to do? NOT buy a burrito, crush it, then throw it and the fourteen irish carbombs I slammed earlier up??”

Whose fault is it? Bars and restaurants are quick to deflect blame. “Nobody’s forcing that Sweeto Burrito down your throat and back out again,” says Sweeto cashier Dovio Flexano.

“We serve alcohol. Too much of that stuff can make you sick. We reserve the right to refuse service to those who look barfy,” says Rooters bartender Xyler Moleyhorse. “Once they leave the front doors, there’s not much else we can do.”

NO VOMITING signs are to be strategically placed next to the NO FORNICATING and NO MICTURATING signs on area street corners until this issue is both curbed and un-curbed, for good.

Fargo Debates Downtown Vomit

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Where do you stand on the vomit issue?

Fargo, ND – City officials in Fargo are urgently wondering if you think more should be done about vomit on the streets in downtown Fargo.

While some people here are understandably anti-vomitus for the struggling downtown Fargo area, others believe that vomiting in public is protected as free speech by the 1st Amendment to the United States Constitution.

“Since vomitus usually comes out of the mouth, this action is legally considered to be a form of speech, and therefore, anyone in the United States of America should be able to vomit anytime, anywhere” argues the Rev. Perry Stalsis, a well-respected vomitologist, author, and retired pastor from the Barf University Research Project (BURP).

“If we give up the right to vomit in downtown Fargo, what will be next? Urinating in Sioux Falls?” he worries.

In coming months, expect to see sickish protesters from the Fargo Free Vomitus Society working the streets in opposition to a possible proposed city ban against downtown vomitus.

Thirteen Injured at Blind Pumpkin Carving Event

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A beautiful autumn day at Olafson Orchard in Hutchinson, MN quickly turned sour as several participants of a pumpkin carving contest found themselves with bloodied hands.

The event allowed blind people from the area to pick their own pumpkin and carve it with guidance from a volunteer. The jack-o-lanterns were supposed to be auctioned off with all proceeds going toward the school for the blind, but due to the amount of blood spilled, the event was cancelled early.

“I feel partially responsible,” event planner Jackie Gleeman said. “Everything was going great until we handed out the knives, then things took a turn.”

Gleeman and other volunteers watched as the participants blindly stabbed at their pumpkins, inevitably cutting their hands in the process.

“It’s like they weren’t even looking at what they were doing,” an onlooker said. “I was trying to line little Suzie up to make your standard smiling jack-o-lantern with triangle eyes, but her first cut was right into my thumb and I gave up after that.”

Fortunately, a box of SpongeBob Squarepants Band-Aids was available and many received medical attention immediately. However, the box quickly ran out, leaving the injured to fend for themselves.

“After the Band-Aids ran out I just didn’t know what to do,” Gleeman said. “Most of the pumpkins looked terrible and had blood on them, but we told the kids that they looked great.”

Of the 13 injuries, none were more serious than a small cut on the hand, but there were several on the edge of needing stitches.

Following the incident, orchard owner Pete Olafson said he was going to rethink the activities planned in upcoming months.

“Well, next weekend we had a blind pheasant hunt set up, and in the winter we were gunna try some chainsaw ice sculpting,” Olafson said. “I’m starting to think those aren’t such great ideas anymore. Maybe we will just do a hay-ride and s’mores.”

 

Child And His Parent Fail To Sell Your Cheap Ass A Magazine Subscription

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MV5BMjE0NDY2MzkxNl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzM5NDA5Nw@@._V1_SX640_SY720_Fargo, ND—For the third consecutive year, Tommy and his father Craig have stopped by your house unannounced to try and sell you some junk publication you’ll never read. And for the third consecutive year, your cheap ass said no.

“Hi. I was wondering if you’d like to make a small purchase? I am selling candy, popcorn, magazines–” little Tommy started out as you interrupted his opener with a stern “Not interested, thank you.”

Your penny-pinching butt wasted no time shutting down Tommy, crushing his fragile little ego in the process as his father scowled at you from behind. The look of sheer dejection on his face apparently meant nothing to you…? They were just trying to make a quick buck for their school program, you tightwad.

At press time, the Observer is predicting that you also intend on ignoring trick-or-treaters this Halloween. We will update this story as we learn more.

Lumberjack Union Working With CDC To Stop Treebola

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Feverishly working to rid forests of Treebola!

Lumberjack Woody Axman feverishly working to rid forests of Treebola!

Treetop, North Carolina – Lumberjacks all across the country are wasting no time in their frantic effort to chop down any and all trees suspected of having the dangerous Treebola Virus.

According to the Center for Disease Control’s new Treebola hotline, the best and surest way to identify any trees with Treebola is to look for the telltale red leaves which may also be withering and even falling off a sickly dendrite.

To help slow the spread of Treebola, immediately chop down any trees you think may be harboring this vexing virulent virus, or call your local Lumberjack Union representative for a coordinated assistance response plan (CARP).

Gandalf Costume Sales Skyrocket As Area Dorks Prepare For Halloween

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Lord of the Dorks

Lord of the Dorks

Fargo, ND – Local costume stores are reporting record sales for Halloween this year.

Top sellers include perennial favorites such as Spiderman, Snow White, and Satan, along with the usual Obama masks and kitten ears.

However, the most popular costume for Halloween 2014 is the “Gandalf”, which is flying off shelves like a wizard heading to Mordor on a giant eagle.

The FMO hit the streets to find out more.

SpookyWorld clerk, Wyatt Orcmann described the run on Gandalf costumes as “insane, dude”.

FMO: Can you expand on that?

WO: Well, like, it’s been crazy.

FMO: Yeah, we know what insane means. What’s been happening in your store?

WO: Dude, it’s like every dork in a thousand mile radio is dressing up for Halloween this year. If I have to hear “This is gonna be epic!” one more time I think I’m gonna go Ray Rice on somebody. Don’t tell my boss I said that.

FMO: Is it unusual for so many dorks to buy costumes?

WO: Yyyeeeeaaaaahhhh. Usually they just sit at home and videochat with their little chess buddies or something. Now they’re all up in my face saying crap like “Speak, friend, and enter” and “You shall not PASS!” Whatever, dude, like, go back to Hobbit Town or something, you little freak.

FMO: Interesting.

WO: Yeah, and then they get their stupid capes and wizard hats and they’re all like, “Run, you fools!” and I’m just like, good luck with your awesome college careers and great jobs someday, you little Frodo Bilbos or whatever. Seriously, man, what a bunch of dorks.

FMO: Right, dorks, got it. Well, thanks for the info, Wyatt. And Happy Halloween.

WO: Whatever, dude. I’m gonna go chill in my mom’s basement.

White House Ebola Response Team Practicing Their Craft

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Ebola Response Team: Practice Makes Perfect

Ebola Response Team: Practice Makes Perfect

Washington, DC – Luckily for the American people, the White House Ebola Response Team (WHERT) is constantly practicing to improve their game.

Top key players of WHERT, including the newly named Ebola Czarina, Dr. Pam Demic, Senior Professor of Ebology from the University of Ebolia, are focusing their main efforts on playing as much golf as possible at as many different golf courses as possible in an effort to make sure that any golf course the President may want to play is a 100% Ebola-free zone.

Realizing the importance of winning the War on Ebola, each WHERT member has a special disinfected smart phone capable of calling the President at the drop of an Ebola-contaminated hat.

One hazmated WHERT member said: “We’ll allow feverish Ebola patients to board commercial airline flights but we will NOT let anyone who’s possibly been exposed to Ebola to get within 10 miles of any golf course that’s on the President’s list.”

WHERT is also working hard to ensure that any future White House intruders that wildly run through the Executive Mansion have not recently flown to the United States from Nigeria, Guinea, or Liberia in the last two months.

Dr. Pam Demic emphasizes that “WHERT will be focused on fighting Ebola so that the President can focus his attention on jobs, the economy, and making sure golfing is safe for all future generations of anyone who survives this untimely and unfortunate Ebola pandemic.”