Local residents were delivered quite a treat Sunday night as the supermoon was in full view. If you were one of the unlucky ones not able to witness it in person, we’ve provided pictures of this spectacular phenomenon below. Enjoy!
Washington, DC—The Observer has learned that after months and months of careful consideration, President Obama has approved the final piece of the Keystone Light® pipeline. The proposed “phase 4” development, which will complete the structure and pump buttloads of Keystone Light® to homes across the midwest and Canada, has officially been given the go-ahead.
“This state-of-the-art liquid transport implementation is fully permitted to move forward,” the White House stated during their morning press conference.
It would appear that the Obama Administration is ruling in favor of the smooth-but-never-bitter flavor of Keystone Light® over the sensitive natural resources in Kansas impacted by the pipeline infrastructure.
Locals across the midwest are gearing up for Keystone Light®’s arrival. Fargo resident Coll Prushpeed is excited to re-purpose his countertop keg tap once the Keystone Light® goes live. “I use this to dispense beer from my fridge but hey, comin’ out of the wall pretty soon,” exclaimed Prushpeed.
Coors Brewing Company© estimates that Keystone Light® will begin flowing through your pipes as early as fall 2016.
West Fargo, ND – Bill Hennesy, 32, was arrested Saturday evening for excessive use of the word “dude” and “man”.
Police are reporting that patrons at Bar Nine in West Fargo heard Mr. Hennesy say dude and man in nearly every sentence. One bar patron counted the two words being used a total of 40 times in 3 minutes. After nearly two hours of countless dudes and mans, a couple sitting next to them had enough and called police.
Mr. Hennesy was arrested and released on $1000 bond for excessive use of the word dude and man.
Upon release he stated, “Oh my god dude! Man! What the hell? This is totally bogus dude. Oh my god man I’m totally going to fight this charge dude.”
Fargo, ND – Arby’s on 42nd ST in Fargo North Dakota has been discovered to be hiding life’s greatest secrets.
After years and years of visiting Arby’s restaurant for luch, Janet Soviet began noticing that the employees working there were always ridiculously happy. Not just on this particular day, but everyday. This prompted Janet to reach out to friends and family asking them if they had similar experiences. With no luck, Janet contacted the Fargo police department. The Fargo police department had just written enough traffic tickets for the month and was more than happy to help.
Jay Derp of the Fargo Police Department, went undercover for two weeks. He visited the Arby’s store on 42nd Street a total of five times. With every visit, officer Derp was able to gather more and more intel. With enough evidence, Derp was able to acquire a search warrant and searched the business residence later this afternoon. What Derp found was remarkable.
Police records state that the officers upon searching the residence, found a large entrance that leads to an underground bunker of some sort. A discovery that will change the history of mankind forever.
Fargo police searched the underground bunker and state that they may have made the biggest discovery in human existence. One such secret found was that Santa Clause is actually Chinese.
Police will not go into full detail due to the ongoing investigation but state that this is one of the biggest, greatest, most important discoveries ever.
We will report more once new information becomes available.
Fargo man often mistaken for Abraham Lincoln.
Fargo, ND – A local Fargo man often gets told he looks a lot like someone else.
Mr. Gilmore Rawls, a long-time resident of Fargo, bears an uncanny similarity to President Abraham Lincoln, who lived about 150 years ago.
When asked if he ever gets requests for an autograph, Mr. Rawls says “Oh yes, all the time!” And then he proceeds to write out “Gilmore Rawls” using an old ink pen he made from an eagle feather.
“If I had a dollar for every autograph I’ve signed over the years, it probably would have been enough to pay my way through law school, which was always a dream of mine.”
Gilmore Rawls’ family originated from the Kentucky area, also similar to Abe Lincoln.
After moving to Fargo, Gilmore worked at the post office and also as a county surveyor. “I was also pretty good with an axe, and have made many a fence in my days”, he added.
These days, he likes to spend most of his time reading history books by the light of his old stone fireplace.
On whether or not he’s seen the recent movie about President Lincoln, Gilmore said: “I’m not really a movie-going person. If anything, I like to go see a good play at the local community theater.”
Watering no longer allowed in West Fargo
West Fargo, ND – The City of West Fargo is now implementing a total ban on watering for at least the remainder of this summer.
The fastest growing city between Chicago and Hiroshima has decided to impose a complete watering ban because its earlier even/odd restrictions were not being followed.
The normal guidelines allow for even/odd numbered homes to water on even/odd numbered days between the hours of 6PM and 10AM.
The total watering ban was unanimously voted on by the City Commission.
The cities of Fargo and Moorhead are seriously considering doing the same thing.
Climatological data suggests that we are entering a period of Global Drying which may last for the next 10-30 years.
West Fargo residents who are caught watering their yards will first be given a $500 warning.
Second violations would receive a $1,000 fine along with confiscation of all sprinklers and hoses.
The faces of residents who violate the watering ban will also be shown on the “Water Glutton” board which will be largely displayed at the intersection of Main and Sheyenne streets.
Keet Paliograph and Whackite Chlomsburger, both Fargo, gave birth to daughter Knat, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Thursday, July 10th
Lazza and Gayton Toesmasher, Fargo, gave birth to son Back, Larry’s Labor Lounge, Thursday, July 24th
Hixy Blowflash and Floper Dunksted, both Fargo, gave birth to daughter Zwirla, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Friday, July 25th
Ketcha and Tomby Scabblick, West Fargo, gave birth to son Joz, Larry’s Labor Lounge, Monday, July 28th
Kula RePaParker and Zemp Clobberchopp, both Fargo, gave birth to son Durt, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Thursday, July 31st
Congratulations, all!
Proud to be a Viking!
Mankato, MN – Former Attorney General Janet Reno has been named the new Special Teams coach for the Minnesota Vikings.
Just as she was the first woman to serve as the United States Attorney General, she will also be the first woman to serve as a coach in the NFL.
“If I can catch and convict the Unabomber, I can coach a few punters and kickers” she was quoted as saying during a formal press conference.
The talk around the league is that Janet Reno will be a great fit for the struggling Vikings.
The Vikings have had recent trouble with their Special Teams coordinator Mike Priefer, leading to likely litigious activity from former punter Chris Kluwe.
An unknown Vikings spokesperson said: “If anyone can handle litigation, it’s Janet Fracking Reno!”
When phlebes bite us, you have phlebitis
Fargo, ND – Dr. Willy Nilly MD is an expert in disease-carrying ticks as we have recently seen.
The FMO’s doctor friend would now also like to share some tips and tricks for folks who suffer from phlebitis.
FMO: Dr. Willy Nilly, what is phlebitis and how did it get its name?
DWN: First, my heart goes out to anyone who has phlebitis, which is painful blood clotting in the legs. The name comes from an early belief that a small phlebe would actually “bite us” thus causing the pain in the lower extremities. It was later learned that the lower leg pain comes from an inflammation of the phlebes, which is one of my particular areas of specialty.
FMO: What about trombone-phlebitis?
DWN: Trombone players are especially susceptible to phlebitis because of the amount of air pressure required to fill their long horn tubes.
FMO: What tips and tricks can you share for phlebitis sufferers?
DWN: After a half century of focused study, my advice would be:
1. Stop taking the pill (unless it’s asspirin).
2. Wear special support stockings.
3. Walk instead of drive or fly to your destination.
4. Don’t smoke cigarettes in bed.
5. Do as many jumping jacks as possible 3 times a day.
6. Do a head-stand while watching TV.
7. Attend local Phlebitis Support Groups for the latest information.
If you have phlebitis and would like Dr. Willy Nilly and his staff to visit you at your home, simply dial 1-800-WILL-NILL. Please leave a detailed message describing your problem and any other pertinent information that might help Dr. Willy Nilly help you.
The North Dakota Frackers Football Team
Bismarck, ND – North Dakota is excited by the NFL’s announcement that it has landed one of eight new team franchises. The latest NFL expansion is adding one team to each of its eight divisions.
The North Dakota Frackers are being added to the NFC North Division in which you find the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers. Vikings QB Christian Ponder stated that: “Now it’s going to be just that much more difficult to win the Super Bowl.”
Each new team costs about one billion dollars to purchase. The North Dakota legislature voted to use $1.1 Billion from its oil money Legacy Fund for this special purpose.
Other teams being added to the National Football League include the: London Broils, Montana Unibombers, Alaskan Mushers, Hawaiian Alohas, Arkansas Hillbillies, Iowa Corn Cobs, and the Mexican Amigos.
A top North Dakota official said: “On the record, this is very exciting news for North Dakota to finally have its very own NFL team. Off the record, we have a lot of work to do to make this work: Cheerleaders try-outs, team logo selection, location of the official stadium, not to mention the entire coaching staff, plus all the players. Right now, we have no football players on our team, but that’s OK, because we do have the North Dakota Frackers! Our goal is to win a Super Bowl before the Vikings do.”