Category Archives: News

Aging Presidential Administration Ships Horse Masks To Puerto Rico

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Puerto Ricans warm, dry, funny wearing disaster relief.

San Juan, Puerto Rico – After playfully tossing paper towel rolls to locals seriously affected by hurricane Irma, Donald Trump has seemingly permitted a shipment of latex horse masks to Puerto Rico. To the aid of the stricken comes a few dozen thousand goofy conversation starters, just in time for Halloween. Halloweenluiah!

“Hey, cool horse mask. I’ve got one, too! Where did you get yours?” “Ah, yeah, our sort-of President sent mine. Not real sure if he’s our President or not because we’re not one of the 50 states.”

Domes will stay pretty dry and overly warm while suffering. The Red Cross is working their tails off to bring help and assistance to Puerto Rico while our aging Prez is dispatching flimsy headwear to the post-apocalyptic almost-a-state.

Aging US Secretary of the Exterior Serf Shoemaker, in a statement made earlier today: “Donald Trump has never heard anyone complain about getting something for nothing. Make Unincorporated American Territories Great Again!”

Shoemaker then reiterated the fact that this was a shipping error and in no way was it a prank played on the kind-of-American island.

Inadvertently hilarious disaster relief? You make the call. A final note: the Fake News name Serf Shoemaker can be joyfully re-arranged to formulate the phrase FREE HORSE MASK.

 

Eddie Money Cover Band ‘Edward Currency’ To Open For Eddie Money

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Edward Currency. Will they steal the show from Eddie Money?

Mahnomen, MN – An upcoming tour stop for classic rock icon Eddie Money could get even more interesting than it previously was with a last-minute addition to the show’s lineup. The scheduled opening act being forced to bail left the promoters with a split-second decision to make. Lo and behold, did anyone expect this gift from above to fall right into our lap? An Eddie Money cover band volunteered to fill the slot!

Two for the price of one is the theme for Friday night’s show. The fill-in band, named Edward Currency, is an Eddie Money cover band from Eagan. They will rock you, they say, even better than the real thing.

“Shakin'”, “Two Tickets to Paradise” and “Take Me Home Tonight” will likely be performed twice in the same evening by two different-yet-similar bands, in essence an awkward competition.

Edward Currency lead singer Rabe Corpio calls this a dream come true. “Getting to perform our idol’s songs, before our idol, on the same night as our idol. This is my dream. This is my moment. These tears you see, they are tears of joy as my soul is now completely devoid of sorrow. Tomorrow, my mark on the world will be made, etched in stone amongst the annals of rock and roll cover band elite.”

The main man seemed dubious over this strange turn of events. “Let them try,” A curious and brooding Eddie Money replied when asked about the possibility of being upshown by his doppelgangers.

Deja vu will likely be in widespread attendance tomorrow at the Shooting Star. Tickets for this extraordinary event are still on sale.

Fargo American Idol Audition Winner Lied About Age

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Lamina Ceroid. Wowed the crowd, loud and proud.

Fargo, ND – Auditions for the hit game show American Idol took a pit stop in Fargo today with much ado. Both young and old, women and men from parts known and unknown came forth to profess their talents to a small array of judges, expecting to change their careers and lives for the better.

The minimum age limit is 15. The maximum age limit is 28. But, to competitor Lamina Ceroid age ain’t nothin but a number and her effort has no limit. A what was purported 28-year-old Montana resident stormed the Idol stage at Marriot in Fargo this morning around 10:47 to give what was (regarded by many) a heartfelt rendition of Culture Club’s hit single Do You Really Want To Hurt Me. Man, did she slay! 

Judges were so overtaken by Lamina’s performance that they pronounced her the winner on the spot. However, there is a but. But, Lamina Ceroid might have gently lied about her identity. In fact, she lied completely about her age. The self-glossed 28-year-old is actually a 67-year-old female from Malibu whose actual name has been withheld to protect the innocent.

Not so ironically, all letters in the name Lamina Ceroid can be re-arranged to spell AMERICAN IDOL. Coincidence? We think not.

Area Man Cancels Plan To Follow Solar Eclipse Across United States Using Solar-Powered Jetpack

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Viddio Burstweiler, Scientist. PhD in Aerotronics, doctorate in Aeronautics.

Fargo, ND – Area mad scientist Viddio Burstweiler wanted to be the first man to traverse a solar eclipse’s entire path of totality as the moon followed it. He noticed that the moon’s umbral shadow will take a “leisurely” trek across the entire United States, covering 2,496 miles in just 90.7 minutes, whizzing by at an average speed of 1,651 mph. This was an attainable mark for his homemade jetpack.

One major setback, however, was that his jetpack is solar-powered.

Path Of Totality®

“I had all the knobs tweaked and I’s dotted until I realized the moon would be between me and the source of my device’s power.”

The Observer caught wind of Vid’s masterplan weeks ago but, like Vid, failed to realize the fatal flaw in his logic until he canceled an August 18th follow-up interview due to this unforeseen circumstance. That is why we didn’t say anything to him at the time.

Looks like he blew it bigly. The next total eclipse isn’t until 2024 at which point most every human will (unfortunately for Vid) be equipped with a nuclear fusion jetpack and be fully capable of traversing the Path Of Totality quite easily themselves.

Trump Administration Considering Travel Enforcement To New Arctic Iceberg

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Big is beautiful.

Washington, DC – Last week, in the thrall of a red-hot northern hemisphere summer, the shockingly brittle Larsen C Ice Shelf buckled under the pressure and shed a few trillion tons of unneeded weight. This signifies a huge win for climate change accepters like Al Gore. Climate change deniers remain mum.

The Trump administration is considering a travel enforcement to this new iceberg as compensation for the recent travel ban, a spokesman for a representative of an anonymous member of a Fake News source is said to have maybe repeated early Monday. It is not known who will be forced to travel to the new ‘berg or how they will get there, but do know that mandatory travel is possibly being maybe or not considered.

A brief roundup of things not quite as big as the broken ice shelf:

Bifton Dingwater. Doesn’t have much to say about the broken iceberg.

  • Donald Trump’s hands
  • The national debt
  • United States Tax Code
  • The Guinness World Record for biggest hamburger ever eaten
  • An Ice Breakers® sugar-free mint with cooling crystals

Locals are saying that this broken iceberg is definitely NOT a sign of things to come. They are saying it has nothing to do with climate change. “I don’t live in Antarctica. This is North Dakota. Quit bothering me with these weird questions,” says Antarctica resident Bifton Dingwater. 

The Observer is of the ilk that maybe NASA ought to freeze-weld that big berg back onto Antarctica before Al Gore blows a gasket.

Area Police Setting Up Four Hundred Twenty 420 Checkpoints

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Don’t let this be you today.

Fargo, ND – Via a confidentially anonymous series of trusted fake news sources, the Observer has learned that area police will be staging 420 “420 checkpoints” around the region today.

Four hundred and twenty strategically-placed traffic interventions will take place on four hundred and twenty throughways and byways–perhaps even a few highways–during and shortly after 4:20PM today, April 20th, or 4/20 as it is more affectionately known.

Four hundred twenty law officers will be seeking out suspicious activity, especially that which contains a certain numerical value. Fargo, Moorhead, West Fargo, County, State, DEA, ATF, Marshall, Guard. You name it, they’ll be there. There will be 420 of them out looking for 420 at 4:20 on 4/20.

Police are gently asking the concerned public: If you see any 420 at 4:20 on 4/20, please dial 911 then get the 411.

Gmail Now Permitting Use Of Emoji In New Email Addresses

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octopus thinks kermit smokes poo at gmail dot com is just one of the many hilarious combinations you can use.

Palo Alto, CA – Great news this day for emoji fans and horrifying news for emoji haters. That little smileyface icon you’ve fallen in love with using in messages has taken one step closer to formally joining the lexicon as Google announced yesterday it is allowing those characters in brand new Gmail usernames.

Now, instead of using a series of letters, numbers, or periods, you can slide an emoji or 12 in there.

Emoji, the double-edged sword of 21st-century typists, are officially allowable characters to use in a new Gmail address. What does this mean for computer users? It means you’re going to have to join the rest of the mainstreamers and go mobile OR you can refer to the internet as your not-too-convenient emoji clipboard. Good news is, we’re here to help ease you through this transition.

Here’s a gentle listing of the most commonly used emoji for you to copy/paste whenever you need to send one of those annoying new emoji gmail addresses a message:

😀 😃 😄 😁 😆 😅 😂 🤣 ☺️ 😊 😇 🙂 🙃 😉 😌 😍 😘 😗 😙 😚 😋 😜 😝 😛 🤑 🤗 🤓 😎 🤡 🤠 😏 😒 😞 😔 😟 😕 🙁 ☹️ 😣 😖 😫 😩 😤 😠 😡 😶 😐 😑 😯 😦 😧 😮 😲 😵 😳 😱 😨 😰 😢 😥 🤤 😭 😓 😪 😴 🙄 🤔 🤥 😬 🤐 🤢 🤧 😷 🤒 🤕 😈 👿 👹 👺 💩 👻 💀 ☠️ 👽 👾 🤖 🎃 😺 😸 😹 😻 😼 😽 🙀 😿 😾 👐 🙌 👏 🙏 🤝 👍 👎 👊 ✊ 🤛 🤜 🤞 ✌️ 🤘 👌 👈 👉 👆 👇 ☝️ ✋ 🤚 🖐 🖖 👋 🤙 💪 🖕 ✍️ 🤳 💅 🖖 💄 💋 👄 👅 👂 👃 👣 👁 👀 🗣 👤 👥 👶 👦 👧 👨 👩 👱‍♀️ 👱 👴 👵 👲 👳‍♀️ 👳 👮‍♀️ 👮 👷‍♀️ 👷 💂‍♀️ 💂 🕵️‍♀️ 🕵️ 👩‍⚕️ 👨‍⚕️ 👩‍🌾 👨‍🌾 👩‍🍳 👨‍🍳 👩‍🎓 👨‍🎓 👩‍🎤 👨‍🎤 👩‍🏫 👨‍🏫 👩‍🏭 👨‍🏭 👩‍💻 👨‍💻 👩‍💼 👨‍💼 👩‍🔧 👨‍🔧 👩‍🔬 👨‍🔬 👩‍🎨 👨‍🎨 👩‍🚒 👨‍🚒 👩‍✈️ 👨‍✈️ 👩‍🚀 👨‍🚀 👩‍⚖️ 👨‍⚖️ 🤶 🎅 👸 🤴 👰 🤵 👼 🤰 🙇‍♀️ 🙇 💁 💁‍♂️ 🙅 🙅‍♂️ 🙆 🙆‍♂️ 🙋 🙋‍♂️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♂️ 🤷‍♀️ 🤷‍♂️ 🙎 🙎‍♂️ 🙍 🙍‍♂️ 💇 💇‍♂️ 💆 💆‍♂️ 🕴 💃 🕺 👯 👯‍♂️ 🚶‍♀️ 🚶 🏃‍♀️ 🏃 👫 👭 👬 💑 👩‍❤️‍👩 👨‍❤️‍👨 💏 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 👪 👨‍👩‍👧 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧 👩‍👩‍👦 👩‍👩‍👧 👩‍👩‍👧‍👦 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 👩‍👩‍👧‍👧 👨‍👨‍👦 👨‍👨‍👧 👨‍👨‍👧‍👦 👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 👨‍👨‍👧‍👧 👩‍👦 👩‍👧 👩‍👧‍👦 👩‍👦‍👦 👩‍👧‍👧 👨‍👦 👨‍👧 👨‍👧‍👦 👨‍👦‍👦 👨‍👧‍👧 👚 👕 👖 👔 👗 👙 👘 👠 👡 👢 👞 👟 👒 🎩 🎓 👑 ⛑ 🎒 👝 👛 👜 💼 👓 🕶 🌂 ☂️

Better scoop up lying sick clown dancer at gmail dotcom before anyone else does. 🤥🤢🤡🕺@gmail.com.

**Please note our email address has changed from fmobserver@gmail.com to: @gmail.com**

United Airlines Expecting Insignificant Revenue Shortfall Amidst Controversy

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Louisville, KY – $36 billion in annual revenue could turn into a mere $33 billion after video of United airline staff violently re-appropriating or re-accommodating or re-moving or whatever they call what they did to a paid customer surfaced the other day.

“We might lose a couple potential flyers. It is an unfortunate consequence of millions of people witnessing an involuntary de-boarding or mandatory un-planing or whatever we’re calling what we did to that passenger the other day,” said United spokesperson Phishla Crowntank. “He wouldn’t get himself off so we had to get him off.”

There’s no telling what this tiny revenue shortfall will do to the airline. Our guess is that instead of 4 passengers getting up to $1300 apiece for being unavoidably extricated from a flight, perhaps they’ll have their bouncers fist-beat and drag three paid customers for $1000 apiece instead.

Meanwhile, remember to bring a helmet in your carry-on luggage next time you fly United.

Fargo Student Has Seriously Woke Minecraft

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Woke AF

Fargo, ND – One Fargo student has taken his Minecraft building talent to surreal levels. Geil Carmeister, 12, has caught the attention of friends, teachers, and the FM Observer with his uncanny ability to depict real life situations, especially geopolitical ones, using the computer-generated world simulation game Minecraft.

Geil is as woke or woker than your typical 6th-grader.

We’re gonna Minecraft a wall.

“This huge man is the President. This bush is the media. Watch.” His Minecraft screen then portrayed the huge man lighting the bush on fire and as it did so, the bush went away as the huge man grew larger in stature.

“This is the wall. The wall keeps out people,” he explained. “No one new can get over it.”

His parents express a limited amount of concern. “Geil is so lit! I wasn’t nearly as lit at that age,” says his father Burg. “I guess we’re mostly glad he’s paying attention. Mostly.”

Geil’s extremely dialed-in worldview is “just a passing phase” and is something he will “grow out of, unless he becomes a hipster” according to his mother Vanta, who chose to remain anonymous.

FM Observer Hiring SPAM Email Answerer

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Give these spammers a taste of their own medicine.

Fargo, ND – Our email address fmobserver@gmail.com has been getting its ass kicked by SPAM lately and our receptionist Blenda has been unable to keep up. Between sifting through the seemingly constant flow of corporate buyout and advertising requests, she’s simply not able to sarcastically fulfill each and every Nigerian prince’s donation inquiry in a timely manner because we at FM Observer will be damned if we let one zany SPAM email go unanswered.

Are you familiar with SPAM email? Silly question–of course you are. Who hasn’t taken a leisurely dip into the cesspool that is their SPAM inbox, if only for pure amazement? Next question: do you consider yourself a smart Alec? A silly Sammy? A snarky Susan? If you answered yes to these, you’re the right person for the job.

Skint Boobidoo, III

One lucky Larry will be assigned the unending task of replying hilariously to every SPAM email fmobserver@gmail.com gets. This position can be highly amusing for the right candidate. You will engage the sender in hilarious-yet-offputting banter until the sender becomes infuriated to the point of blocking you.

Successful applicants must undergo Trump-inspired “serious vetting” prior to enlistment in this permanent part-time temporary project. Terms of employment will be discussed during vetting. Come prepared.

FM Observer correspondent Skint Boobidoo, III has already applied so your chances of landing the gig are very limited, but do try anyway. Leave your credentials in the comments section and we’ll consider hiring you instead of Skint.