Category Archives: News

Man Takes ‘What Superhero Are You’ Quiz, Gets Batman, Attempts To Fly, Dies

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Batman_didn_t_make_it___sf__baytobreakers_by_renaudvisageFargo, ND—FBI Fargo Division confirms this morning that newly-christened local superhero Adam Noisewater, 22, took his own life yesterday by jumping from the top story of the big bank skyscraper downtown.

Upon searching Noisewater’s internet history (which happens to us ALL after we die, so try not to leave a digital trail of utter debauchery. Google searches of “bi-curious tranny Asians camel” most certainly WILL be read off during your funeral in front of your loved ones), investigators noted that a recently-visited sites log included participation in Buzzfeed’s popular “What Superhero Are You” quiz in addition to the online purchase of a Batman costume.

This critical data helped investigators easily piece together the events that led up to Noisewater’s death.

FBI agent Ralph Carswell explains: “Evidence collected by our detectives concludes that the deceased had taken one of those stupid quizzes that convinced him he was Batman which made him go so far as to buy a Batman outfit and attempt to jump off a tall building like the Dark Knight. Case closed.”

The deceased’s parents are preparing to file a mega-lawsuit against the original creators of Batman DC Comics, Christian Bale, Warner Brothers Studios Inc, Buzzfeed, his internet service provider, the inventor of the internet Al Gore, the computer manufacturer who built the computer he used to take the stupid Buzzfeed quiz, the online retail outlet who sold him the costume, the vehicle manufacturer of the car he drove to the building, the shoe company who made the shoes he wore on the way to the building, the bank building management, and finally, the elevator manufacturing company of the elevator he took to the top floor.

The Observer has also learned that Noisewater is now a front-running candidate for the 2014 Darwin Awards.

Expiring Windows XP Causes Widespread Computer Suicide

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The last thing the XP user sees before their computer melts their face (kind of like what happened when they opened the ark in that Indiana Jones movie. Wasn’t that fucked up?!)

This is this decade’s Y2K.

 

Redmond, WA—They warned us. They tried to tell us. “We are discontinuing support for Windows XP,” Microsoft said. But did we listen? NOPE. We held onto those old XP computers in hopes that they wouldn’t go completely nuclear on April 8th. Little did we know, this expiring operating system would trigger the End of Days.

PC LOAD LETTER ! !

PC LOAD LETTER ! !

XP owners were led to believe that their trusty old operating system would simply stop doing updates and become a little more vulnerable to cyberattacks. Boy were they wrong. Computers have been blowing up in people’s faces since Microsoft cut the cord at midnight last night. Smoke…fire…the constant smell of death…it is all around us now. Bodies are piling up as Death By Computational Combustion claims the lives of millions of unsuspecting users.

The Observer has learned that any attempt to utilize an XP computer results in the aforementioned (pictured above) error message, directly followed by a fiery complosion.  🙁

Are you or any of your loved ones affected by the XP Meltdown? If so, and if the explosion hasn’t sizzled most of your face, call Microsoft at 1-800-MICROSOFT. They have operators standing by to assist with massive head trauma sustained by heavy compusplosive blowback.

New Aquatic Nuisance Species A Nightmare From Hell

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Say hello to the bigger badder cousin of the zebra mussel.

Say hello to the bigger badder cousin of the dreaded zebra mussel. Say hello to MegaCrab.

Detroit Lakes, MN – The Minnesota DNR has begrudgingly confirmed the addition of a new aquatic nuisance species (ANS) to their growing list.

While the inexorable invasion of zebra mussels continues to threaten local lakes and lake property values, this newest aquatic nuisance species could even threaten the lives of innocent human beings.

Say hello to the MegaCrab. These bad boys reproduce almost as prolifically as zebra mussels but have multiple ways to cause pain and/or death.

Besides being able to kill humans with either their antennae, front pinchers, crab-hands, or tails, their entire outer hard shells are lined with poisonous razor-sharp barbs.

“If you accidentally step on one of these hella-demons, all your neighbors at the lake will hear and feel your pain” warns ANS biologist Dean Dooley. “Once your lake is discovered to have MegaCrabs, have fun trying to sell your lake property with one of them sitting on your dock, while eating a duck.”

It is believed that the MegaCrabs, which can grow to the size of a large cocker spaniel, are the result of transmutations coming out of the radioactive fall-out from the 1986 Chernobyl disaster.

These giant creatures have slowly been spreading throughout the world by attaching themselves to ocean-going petroleum tankers because they, for some reason, love the taste of sweet crude oil.

This is why biologist Dean Dooley also has to remind folks to not eat the MegaCrabs. “It would taste like eating a radioactive lobster that’s been marinating in crude oil for ten years.”

Man vaporized

Man Immediately Vaporized As He Stepped Outside

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Man vaporizedWest Fargo, ND – A West Fargo man says his neighbor was vaporized this morning.

Earlier this morning police received a call from a man who stated he just witnessed his neighbor being vaporized right before his eyes.

Roger was getting the paper outside this morning when he looked to the left and saw his neighbor immediately vaporize as he stepped outside. Leaving just his clothes behind.

“I looked left and POOF he was gone. Just gone. Once the sun hit him..he disappeared.”

Experts say this weird phenomenon is called “vaportification” and mostly happens in the upper Midwest areas such as Fargo, North Dakota. They say that sitting inside for months and months at a time will drain your body of vitamin c, vitamin d, and other important life ingredients.

“Once you step outside after hibernating so long and the sun hits your skin, it goes into a hyperbolic disistenization. This interacts with the giglictic dispotiosiscalictoma.  Once that happens, your bodies cells begin to klosiform. Due to the suns luminosity of≈ 98 lm/W efficacy, the surface temperature has to be just right for the serapatosas to coligulary follicular the phase of the klosiform. But get this, the milky way also plays a factor! It has to have a mean distance of absolute magnitude so the visual brightness can be on the same equatorial radius as earth.  Now, however, the north pole on earth has to have the same measurable rotational period as the axis of the pole dissemination.  That, is why this man instantly vaporized as he stepped outside.  Pretty easy to avoid.”

These vaporizations can happen to anyone.  Be very careful once spring arrives and you step outside after hibernating for 8 months. If you follow the experts explanation above, you will never be a vaporfication victim.

The police chief just made a statement that he would like to ban the sun and the milky way now and would like to implement a fine for anyone using the sun or being in the milky way. He stated he is an expert in this matter and everyone should listen to him.

First Visionary Church Offers Portal To God

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Pastor Leary says that people today are looking for a new kind of church experience.

Fargo, ND – An alternative church is being started in the Fargo-Moorhead area. Members of the new First Visionary Church will strongly be encouraged to use psychedelic drugs to get closer to God. Pastor Tim Leary believes this is what many people are seeking today.

Pastor Leary says the whole concept is based on a wealth of knowledge gleaned from native American Indian religious practices. “By opening a direct mind-portal to God, you can then generate authentic visions from your own personal God experiences”, preaches Pastor Leary.

“Through carefully controlled usage of psychoactive substances such as mescaline, peyote, and psilocybin mushrooms, our church members can find what they’re looking for and then come back to share their personal revelations in the fellowship hall with some hot coffee and cookies”, he explains.

Interestingly, the freedom of religion clause in the U.S. constitution allows church congregations to use drugs that would normally be against federal law, as long as it is done “as part of an actual worship service or other legitimate church activity”.

If you would like more information about First Visionary Church or are interested in becoming a charter member, please call 1-800-MUSHROOM and ask for Pastor Tim Leary, who says: “If you like listening to Pink Floyd, you will love this church!”

Rash of Burglaries Confounds Police in Little Rock, AR

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Police have a real head scratcher on their hands.

Little Rock, AR – Local police are dealing with what may be one of the worst outbreaks in recent memory. A highly contagious rash of burglaries is plaguing the precinct, causing symptoms ranging from intense itching to intense scratching. “The situation is bad, real bad,” claims Officer Stu Pittery. “Makes my skin crawl, it really does. We gotta get a handle on this, and right soon. It’s like chiggers gone wild up in here.”

The problem began on a day like any other. “I was out on patrol when I seen the first signs,” remembers Bubba Briggs, a deputy sheriff. “I saw this masked man running from a house carrying a pretty good sized flatscreen tv. It seemed kinda weird, but I just kept watchin’ him. Anyhoo, after a few minutes I happened to catch a look at myself in the cruiser’s rear view. I’ll be danged if my upper lip wasn’t just covered in red bumps. Well, then it started to itch. That rash was fixin’ to spread, right there under my nose. Sweet Delilah, I hightailed it back to the station faster than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest. I got like a sixth sense about things, and I just knew this weren’t good.”

Upon arriving at police headquarters, deputy Briggs’ keen suspicions were confirmed. The rash had indeed spread, making its way through the precinct virtually unchecked. The rapid progression has prompted city leaders to consider quarantining the station while they search for a solution. They are also going to consider changing “search for a solution” to “have us a bourbon”.

In a recently released statement, Police Chief Rufus Jackson attempted to calm the public. “Y’all don’t worry now, we’ll be all right. But this here rash is spreading faster than Tums at a chili cookoff. What we’re aimin’ for now is to try and get to the source. Best we can tell, there’s a masked man out there infecting our community. Every last one of my men done seen him haulin’ valuables around town and then, bang, they got the itch. We think he’s gotta be somehow connected, but it’s a head-scratcher. I ain’t never seen no rash of burglaries like this here. God as my witness, not never.”

Asked to comment, Little Rock Mayor Winston Abbott said simply, “Aw hell, I’m sure this will all be over soon. Them boys’ll be back fightin’ crime ‘fore they know it. I’ve had my share of rashes over the years, and I’m tellin’ you this’ll be gone faster than a Pabst Blue Ribbon at a Nascar race, mark my words. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return a call from the county vet. Somethin’ about the canine unit havin’ fleas or some tarnation.”

Replace Your Insomnia With 15 Possible Side Effects

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CAPTION HERE

I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia.

Sleepy Eye, MN – Are you one of the millions of frustrated people who have trouble sleeping at night? Maybe you should consider doing what many other desperate insomniacs do. Perhaps you need to get hooked on Ambien.

Most agree that the best cure for insomnia is sleep. And the best way fall asleep is to pop an Ambien. Ambien lurks under many nicknames, such as: Intermesso, Zolpidemic, Insania, Hypnotica, and Silent Night. If you want your Ambien to work quickly, avoid the “CR” version, which is Controlled Release. The non-CR tablets will hit you like a brick, hopefully knock you out within 15 minutes, and will last for about 2-3 hours, if you’re lucky.

Unfortunately, the possible side effects from taking Ambien include: headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, hallucinations, delusions, increased appetite, increased libido, amnesia, altered thought patterns, loss of balance, poor motor coordination, impaired judgment, uninhibited extroversion, and increased impulsivity.

However, can you imagine trying to fall asleep while you’re dizzy, nauseated, and vomiting, and while experiencing a raging headache, bizarre hallucinations, grand delusions, ravaging hunger, and an off-the-chart libido? Plus, if and when you ever dare stop taking Ambien, your insomnia will rebound with a vengance, way worse than it was before.

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All this might help explain why Ivan Lopez recently went postal during the latest shooting at Fort Hood. He chose to choose Ambien for his problems, just like you can.

When trying to reach Army officials at Fort Hood for comment, they were all zonked out on Ambien. When trying to reach the French pharmaceutical company Sanofi-Aventis for comment (which sells Ambien in the United States), we didn’t understand a fricking word they said because they rudely insisted upon speaking French.

Two Dead After Facebook Comment Section Argument Escalates

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Fargo, ND—A local news outlet’s facebook comment thread got a little out of hand late yesterday. What started out as a simple weather forecast status update found itself turned into a battleground for what onlookers thought would develop into World Wide Web War III.

The news station and status creepers alike bore witness to a rapidly snowballing political argument that soon escalated into personal attacks. Other users looked on, horrified as commenter “Michael” somehow got into it with another user about Obamacare and the 1% vs the 99%:

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This political argument soon intensified into hateful name-calling, and ultimately, a rage-fueled meet-up between the two.

The men hastily agreed to fight about it in a back alley but unfortunately, both brought guns. Upon seeing each other’s facebook avatars manifest themselves in real life, they simultaneously shot and killed one another.

When asked why he flew off the handle, now deceased user Michael had this to say:

“I blew his head off because I chose to be enraged. I made the decision to take offense to an unsolicited comment on an internet link that I also made a decision to click on. I have only myself to blame….I did this….in essence, I blew my own head off, and I’d do it again because that is who I am. I’m a Facebook Comment Rage-A-Holic.”

GM Now Recalling Every Car Ever Made

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Every GM vehicle made since 1936 is being recalled because they were made by GM.

Every GM vehicle including this 1936 model is being recalled because they were made by GM.

Detroit, MI – What started out as a massive GM recall of only certain makes and models has now mushroomed into the largest recall that we can ever recall in human history.

GM Haiku:
Own a GM car?
If so, it’s being recalled.
We found a problem.

GM has now issued an unprecedented total recall for every car they have ever made, no matter the make, model, or year. The reason: Because they were all made by GM.

Because of so many different problems and reasons, Government Motors finally just decided to officially recall every car it has ever made, including the 1936 Suburban pictured in this article.

This stunning news comes as GM Chief Executive Mary Barra prepared to testify before Congress during the first week of April.

Possible faulty ignition switches sparked the first, original recall. But then after it was determined that its dealers used potentially defective switches to fix recalled vehicles, many more problems were discovered. The faulty switches that were linked to many deaths not only shut off the car but also cause the power steering to go out and cause an electrical outage thus rendering the airbags useless.

GM has now expanded the recall to include every motorized car and truck that has ever come off of a GM production line, no matter the shape, size, or year it was born.

CEO Mary Barra: “Out of an abundance of caution, we are recalling every damn vehicle we’ve ever made. Our customers deserve some peace of mind knowing that GM cars and trucks are not death machines.”

As the granddaughter of the famous Yogi Barra, she also added: “This recall won’t be over until the fat lady sings. The future ain’t what it used to be, until every GM car is safe. If you come to a fork in the road, don’t take it until your car has been fixed.”

These Are The Wasps That Killed The FM Observer

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Bee on the lookout for these dangerous wasps, because they're the ones that killed us.

Bee on the lookout for these dangerous wasps, because they’re the ones that killed us.

West Fargo, ND – As you know, your beloved FM Observer was allegedly attacked by a gang of wasps. Not only did they attack us, but they stung us many, many times, and then they killed us.

We did not want this to happen. Nor did we provoke the wasps in any way, except maybe to smash their stupid hive with a wooden baseball bat.

Bee that as it may, we did not deserve to die, and especially just when things were starting to really take off. But please do continue to check in with the FM Observer, your favorite source of the best fake news in the region.

After all, the phoenix did rise from the ashes to become the mascot for the Phoenix Suns basketball team, didn’t she? Tiger Woods did return to golf after he totally disgraced both himself and the entire sport of golf.

And after a rocky beginning, Obamacare did successfully cause millions of people to lose the insurance plans and doctors they loved, and then, under threat of penalty, force them to purchase nationalized health insurance.

So, after the stroke of midnight tonight, hope for the best (for us), but plan to expect some government robo-writers to have taken our place in the morning.