Category Archives: News

Frack Lives Matter Movement Galvanizes In Western North Dakota

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Frack Lives Matter!

Williston, ND – With oil prices tumbling and jobs disappearing, western North Dakotans are channeling their frustration into a powerful, singular message: Frack Lives Matter.

Spokesperson Ole Baryll says the once booming oil fields are now standing idle, leaving only run-down man camps in their wake. “The drop in oil prices has left us frackers with a fracking disaster on our hands. We need the world to know how fracking bad it is here. Frack Lives Matter!”

In an effort to raise both awareness and money for the jobless man-campers, the Frack Lives Matter coalition will be staging a protest on Main Street in Williston at 5:00 Friday evening. In true North Dakota style, the protest will be promptly followed at 5:30 by a potluck/dance in the basement of Peace Lutheran Church.

“We’re calling the event Frackfest 2016,” says Baryll. “There will be fun games for the kids, an oil-filled dunk tank, and plenty of casseroles and Cheez-Whiz buns. The Sons of Norway will be serving up Frackfurters & beans, and Erma Johnson is in charge of the coffee. Hoppin’ Joe and The Crude Dudes take the stage at 7:00. Donations will be much appreciated. Frack Lives Matter!”

If you would like to participate in the protest, please dress warmly and bring a politely worded sign to the Town Hall parking lot at 4:30.

Fargo Man Performs Amateur Exorcism

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exorcismFargo, ND – An area man, without the help of a brave Catholic priest, has completely freed his significant other from demonic possession. Blenn Fristle, 42, was able to purge the darkest beast from within his wife Pavia by quickly skimming through the 2013 edition of Exorcism For Dummies.

“I won’t get into it too far, but chapter 4’s Scream Away The Ghost worked damn well in a pinch,” said Fristle. “It’s an easy read. You don’t gotta recite no spiritual hibbajib like they do in movies. You basically yell ‘get out of here, ghost!!’ a buncha times ’til you pass out. And, boom! The devil’s gone.”

Fristle’s wife Pavia isn’t convinced she had ever taken in an evil spirit. “I wasn’t possessed by nuthin’. Blenny just thinks i’m ‘full of the devil’ when it’s that time of the month. It weren’t no damn exorcism.”

The Observer commends Mr. Fristle for standing tall against Satan on his wife’s behalf. Exorcism For Dummies can be found at a bookstore near you.

Vin Diesel To Donate 4,000-Gallon Collection Of Distilled Tears To Flint, MI

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Genuine heart

Genuine heart 

Distilled-Water1

Not happy tears

Hollywood, CA – Contrary to what we all had thought, acclaimed movie badass and feared megaman Vin Diesel isn’t 100% ferocious. 

No! Upon hearing of the Flint water crisis, he’s taken the call to donate to this long-term need. Diesel will be sending them his 4,000-gallon repository of cried human tears.

He keeps a huge stock of distilled tears on hand that keep him “lit”. 

“Sadness tears give me that edge. They get drank [sic] before a lift or a shoot,” Diesel growled in between bites of raw tiger meat. “So i’ll give ’em to Flint.”

When asked where the heck he got 4,000 gallons of distilled tears, Diesel vehemently denied harvesting them. Instead, he claims, he gets them from an anonymous source in Dubai. “Flint can have what I got. I’ll just get more.”

Canadian Movie Star Thonn Furbeglan To Host 2016 Maple Syrup Festival

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Thonn Furbeglan

Thonn Furbeglan

Edmonton, AB, Canada – The syrup world is abuzz this morning with the announcement that Canadian action film star Thonn Furbeglan will be donning the flannel stageside for this year’s Maple Syrup Cookoff Festival set to take place at City Theatre in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

The competition will be hot as thousands of maple syrupers from around the country bring their best concoctions in hopes to snag the coveted Golden Leaf Award. Furbeglan plans to gleefully lend his talents as both festival emcee and TasteMaster.

Golden Leaf

Golden Leaf

Contestant syrup will be judged thoroughly in the following categories:

  • Genuine Richness
  • Mapleness
  • Friendliness
  • Trueness Of Strength

Furbeglan has been waiting for this moment. “I’ve always wanted to host this, eh? But every year there’s been a scheduling conflict as i’m always out filming Canadian movies in the woods and snow during winter, eh? I’m real-eh excited to final-eh be a part of it.”

Throughout the festival, Furbeglan will be readily available for photos, autographs, hugs and the like, as is tradition. The week-long festival runs from Sunday, January 24th til February 1st, a Monday.

Cenobites Denied Foreign Immigration Visa

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Hellraiser 10: Hell Is War

Not so fast, foreigners.

Hell’s portal is closed…for now

Hell—Due to increasing skepticism over foreign immigration, The Cenobites, aka Satan’s Minions, have been denied entry to America via Hell’s customs portal.

Pinhead, the leader of the Cenobites, voiced discontent over these new restrictions. “HELL HATH BEEN TORN BY WAR. WE, THE CENOBITES, SEEK REFUGEE STATUS VIA YOUR COVETED J-4 VISA. HOWEVER, DUE TO A NEW VETTING PROCESS IMPLEMENTED BY YOUR DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, WE MUST PROVE OURSELVES WORTHY OF PASTURE. IN THE NAME OF LUCIFER IN THE HIGHEST, WE SHALL ULTIMATELY, WITHIN THE CONFINES OF ELIGIBILITY, OBTAIN RESETTLEMENT AND ONCE AGAIN TORMENT THE SOULS OF EARTH’S MORTALS.”

Filming for the tenth Hellraiser movie Hellraiser X: Hell Is War is on hold until the Cenobites can prove that they’re merely harbingers of Hell’s circus of agony and not moderate Muslims.

Woman Lists Infant Child On Ebay

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kidforsaleIn another edition of You Can’t Make This Stuff Up (But We Did Anyway), an area mom has listed her infant son, Bemmen, as a bidding item on popular online auction site Ebay.

“Kid was born in a hot air balloon, thought he’d be worth some money,” said societal wretch/mother Backy Stinkhook. “My lil’ Bem came into the world at about 5,000 feet high. Probly the first kid bein’ born way up there! Reserve at $1,000.”

The listing had already risen to 47 bids at press time. Barring any unforseen circumstances (such as Ebay ripping down the listing as it is both highly illegal and completely immoral), young Bemmen will find himself a new hot air balloon by the end of this week.

Haunted Corn Maze Hiring 20 Children Of The Corn

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your kid?

Your kid?

Moorhead, MN—Local terror attraction Haunted Corn Maze is in search of blonde-haired, pale-faced, ghoulish children for its upcoming Children Of The Corn exhibit. Area parents, take heed: if you think your prepubescent adolescent fits the criteria of a leering horror child, have him or her line up for an audition!

Corn Maze is looking for 10-20 creeptacular grade-schoolers to wear white contacts and fill a special area of the darkened cornfield. “We’re looking for the weirdest possible small young humans,” says Maze Coordinator Xinder VinReaux. “Don’t apply unless your child is visibly troubling and carries an aura of general unease.”

VinReaux is high on standards, but easy on expectations. “All the kids have to do is stand there motionless and gawk at our patrons while the tour guide tells the story of how each child murdered his or her parents in a blind, painless rage before being excommunicated to our cornfield.”

Qualifying children will receive a year’s supply of Whizzers® and season passes to the Corn Maze.

North Korea To Trademark New Time Zone

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kimjongun-despot

Mean time.

With news that North Korea is planning to extract itself from a time zone shared with Japan comes the apparent corporate branding of said time zone.

In bold opposition to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT), North Korea will file an international trademark to brand its time zone Korean Mean Time™, or KMT.

“Time mean in North Korea. It always mean time,” says Kim Jong-un spokesman/right-hand man Doug Jon-in.

Rumor has it that Jong-un only wants this new time zone as a means to “officially” pioneer time travel since it is Jong family tradition to be the first and best at many things. No word yet whether or not PM will be hilariously renamed “PMS”. Check back later for an update on that.

Woman Living In Hammock Above Fargo Park

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Hammock woman tells FMO reporter to "Fuck off!"

Hammock woman tells FMO reporter to “Fuck Off!”

Fargo, ND – One of our best junior reporters (who recently attended FMO Summer Camp) somehow discovered a woman living up in a hammock in Fargo’s Lindenwood Park.

Our on-the-scene reporter cleverly asked the lady why she was there, living in a hammock?

Her reply was that she was getting set up early for the WE Fest and wanted to “grab a good spot before they all were taken.”

After our reporter kindly informed her that the WE Fest is down by Detroit Lakes and not in Fargo, the stunned hammocker became quite irate and proceeded to drop multiple F-Bombs on our staffer while madly throwing empty tunafish cans down from her high-hanging hangout.

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with the WE Festers, especially when they’re high.

Zebra Muscles Invade Red River Zoo

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Zebra with outstanding glutes and lats now on display

Zebra with outstanding glutes and lats now on display

Fargo, ND—Red River Zoo officials have gleefully added zebra muscles to their fleet of exotic animal inventory. A big, buff zebra named “Junto” is the zoo’s newest member. He’s 6’3, 884lbs of brawny zebra muscles that has zoo people ecstatic.

“We’re so happy to have zebra muscles. One freshwater lake’s trash is a local zoo’s treasure,” explains zoo head Bemmen Derschwariatz. “Zebra muscles might be the plague of the small sea, the scourge of the freshwater, but to us, they’re a gift. Just look at those deltoids! Why you wouldn’t want that specimen grazing your lake shores is a mystery to me.”

Why no one has informed Derschwariatz of the difference between zebra muscles and zebra mussels has yet to be determined. Perhaps it’s best to keep zoo officials in the dark and let them have their moment.

Junto and his zebra muscles will be available for all to see this summer.